playgroup leader chatted to me about dd who's just started ...

[twik]

Dd's literally only just turned 3 and started at playgroup 5 mornings a week about 6 weeks ago. Previously she's been a very clingy child, quite demanding but very sweet and chatty. Really very engaging, the kind of child that adults love and other kids aren't that interested in if that makes sense? Anyway I was thrilled that she settled so nicely, she hasn't cried one single time and has never kicked up a fuss about going in the morning.

Today I asked the oldest member of staff there how she was doing and she said she was a real loner, she wandered round a bit watching other children but didn't want to join in. She also said she's very inflexible (which I know only too well), will only do things the way she wants to. And she never joins in with songs etc. during story time. She loves singing at home normally.

Anyway I felt quite sad to hear all this. What do you think I can do to help her?

my ds2 is also 'very independent' and likes to have things the way he wants them. He isn't too concerned about mixing in Playgroup and prefers to just play his own way. I was getting worried and sat in on a session last week which was really interesting. He did interact more than I thought by joining in with singing and enjoying story time, also happily sitting and having milk and fruit with the other children on his table. He didn't really play one to one with another child but that is because he is perfectly capable of entertaining himself. In a way it was a relief as some of the boys were jumping on top of each other and hitting each other etc.

Is it possible you could spend a morning helping out at her playgroup and make some of your own observations?

Ds2 will happily play at home with his brother or cousins or even some of his brothers friends (older) but doesn't seem as interested in his own age group. He told me one day he didn't speak to any of the children as playgroup because the were all 'useless'?? Also a 3 year old girl he doesn't know well invited him to her birthday party but he point blank refused to go and I had to tell the mother he wouldn't go which was very embarassing but I know he would have had a tantrum if I had taken him there.

Good luck

Twik, this sounds very normal to me.
When DD started at nursery school she was just short of 3. Initially, though she settled in easily and told me a little about the other children there, she did not according to the staff mix that much with them, preferring to stick with the grownups. As the year wore on, she just changed: grew up, started to play in a different way and with the others. It was one of those big developmental shifts.

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling very reassured now.

To go to an even older 'child' - my DH has always been like this, and he assures me that it wasn't that he didn't like the other children, he just liked wandering around, watching the others and playing on his own. he was (and still is sometimes!) quite self centred in that if he really wanted to join in, he would go and do just that, when HE wanted to and not when anyone else expected it. He still likes doing activities that are more individual than teams, ie surfing rather than rugby, and like fullmoonfiend's DS, refused things like scouts and so on. He does join in with our group of friends and enjoys it, but he MUST have time alone or he gets in a grump. (hope this isn't making him sound weird, he isn't!!)

not meaning that your daughter is self centred, just wondering if she is maybe a bit of a people watcher and likes being on the edge of things, rather than in the middle?

this probably makes no sense at all, but wondered if it might help!!

It does make sense, Lel. Dp is a lot like this too. And me, to an extent. Thanks.

Twik. I work at a nursery and we often have children like your DD. We tend to go very slowly with these children and gradully encorage them to join in then after a few weeks they start doing this for themselves, We have a 3 year old at the momwnt who prefers to stat near the adults and although sems to like the singing and story sessins ahs has to sit right by a member of staff and won't actually join in with the songs. DSo don't worry she will get there in the end.