Saw this today and it articulates what we're fighting for beautifully.
My daughter (20 years) struggled with anorexia on and off for about 4 years. She came out of hospital last June and has been in a good recovery place since then. She wrote this letter for Eating Disorder Awareness Week and I thought it might be helpful to some of you.
To those who are caring for a loved one with an eating disorder:
Thank you for saving my life. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for fighting my battle when I couldn’t or just didn’t want to. Thank you for choosing recovery for me before I could chose it for myself. I am so sorry for causing you pain and fear. Please hear this: it’s not your fault.
I’m sorry I caused strain and fear for the whole family. And I’m sorry that you had to give me more attention than my other siblings. But I promise I didn’t do it for attention. I’m not doing it to get recognised or to be noticed. Trust me, I am ashamed that I struggle so much with food. I can’t wait until the day this is all over, and all of this is just a memory.
Thank you for sitting through all of the crying and screaming and still making me eat, driving up to school/work to eat with me, dragging me to doctor’s appointments. Ultimately I do believe that someone needs to truly want to recover before they can actually get better. But my parents kept me alive until I got to the point where I could want it for myself.
So I think most importantly, I would tell any parent whose child is struggling with an eating disorder, do not wait until that person is ready to get better, do not buy into the idea that until someone wants it, that there’s nothing anyone can do. When someone is drowning, you don’t wait for them to clearly say, “I’m having trouble swimming, could you please come in and help me?” You just dive in and grab the person, and you would try and get them out of the water (even if they’re kicking and screaming). You would encourage them to keep going, not to give up regardless of how hard they are fighting back.
Don’t let the fear of losing or damaging your child’s love for you keep you from fighting– that love will come back deeper and stronger when they are healthy, alive, and in recovery. It is not your child that hates you; it is the illness that has taken them hostage. Think of their disorder as a separate person; when your child is yelling, screaming, throwing things, refusing to eat, negotiating meals, begging for the scales, whatever it may be, you are not dealing with your actual child, you are face to face with their disorder. This hate comes from an eating disorder that is losing, so just remember, the more hate you feel from them in these moments, the better job you are doing. Stand strong and unwavering when you are confronted with the demons and struggles you and your child face every day, every meal, every snack.
It is so important to remember that your sick child is not your child. When I was sick, I was not me. Anorexia turned me into a lifeless, unpleasant, and unloving version of myself. It must be the scariest thing for a parent to look at their child but not actually see them; to just see them disappearing more and more each day, both mind and body. It’s crazy to hear people talk about the way they saw me slowly coming back to life through my weight restoration journey. They tell me how they could see it in my eyes, how they once appeared empty, but were finally full of life and personality again. Keep fighting so you too can experience this with your child.
Try, as much as you can, not to take any of what they say at the time personally. I never hated those that were trying to help, I just hated that they were trying to take away from me what I felt at the time I absolutely needed. I know that you haven’t got a clue what to do right now, whatever you say is wrong; too caring and you are ‘suffocating’, too strict and you ‘don’t care’. Here’s the thing about their eating disorder, it’s not them. Some days they have control of it, some days it has control of them. Their eating disorder is a monster which crept into your world in silence and has created havoc, but that monster can be beaten. It will be beaten. That monster is NOT them.
I always said that my parents have probably put in just as much work for my recovery as I have, especially at the beginning. Just as my parents did, you have to want their recovery before they can want it for themselves, you have to choose their recovery for them before they can choose it for themselves, and you have to be their motivation before they find their own. Recovery is not a simple, linear, or easy journey but it is worth it.
I hope this helps anyone in a similar position. I would also say (last thing, I promise) that hope is one of the most powerful things you can offer to someone who is struggling. Everyone around me refused to give up on me, even when I had given up on myself, and for that I am so grateful.
