Has anyone given up work to focus on IVF?

[AnnaLCox]

Hi
I am in a bit of a difficult situation. I have been doing solo fertility treatment on and off for over 3 years now. I have had three early losses and, late last year, had a traumatic miscarriage at just under 8 weeks which resulted in a haemorrhage and blood / plasma transfusions. I was left severely anaemic, though have finally got my haemoglobin back up into normal range. I turned 45 this month, and have 3 embryos left (these were made some time ago now). My clinic has given the green light for me to go ahead again but the difficulty I have is that, when I was pregnant last year, I felt very unwell, both physically and mentally - nausea every day, barely eating, and the hormones made me very depressed (normally, in terms of mental health, I suffer occasional anxiety but am otherwise fine). My work are aware of my last miscarriage and have cottoned on I'm doing IVF and, whilst on the surface of things are sympathetic, the vibe I'm getting is that my ongoing fertility journey is somewhat of an inconvenience. I work in the corporate world, 40 hours a week and am required in the London office 3 days a week (I live 80 miles away - just over an hour by train into London - but train issues are frequent). I know this sounds like not the most sensible thing in the world to do, and trust me I've been sensible all my life - have studied and worked hard since my mid teens in one capacity or another), but I'm starting to think the only way forward for me in terms of really giving pregnancy a shot, is to leave my job. If I get pregnant again, and I am unwell again, I simply would not be able to go into the office, so would end up being sacked at some point anyway, or best case scenario I'd have to go off sick and then I'd feel guilty / stressed anyway. I have made considerable overpayments on my mortgage, so could most likely get a mortgage break from my bank for some time if I were pregnant. I guess I'm looking for a sense check here. I'm conscious I only have one life, it's now or never really due to my age, and my work and pregnancy just aren't compatible!

Honestly, please stay working.
its not sensible to give up your job for several reasons already outlined by other posters.

Hi OP. I had several failed rounds, miscarriages etc and worked at a v high stress workplace. When the last round of IVF worked (I took 2 weeks off for the transfer and 2 ww) I felt like death. I had hideous pregnancies. My GP signed me off for an additional two weeks and then occupational health saw me and I worked full time when I could and part time when the morning sickness was particularly bad. I also took mat leave two months ahead of my due date. So basically, don't give up your job, but also DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. You are trying to do the most basic of human functions , not steal from shareholders, launch a military coup or murder orphans.

Very very best of luck.

I do know of someone who gave up their teaching job for a year to give IVF one final shot, and she finally fell pregnant after multiple rounds. She credited it to having a break and the subsequent reduction in stress.

It may or may not have happened as a result of the break, no one will ever know. However if this is your one last shot at parenthood, will you regret not taking the time off if it doesn’t succeed? Do you think the break is what your body needs in order to get pregnant? There is more to life than work if you can afford it.

Wishing you all the luck and hope it works out for you x

@Tooomanynames it’s not the conception part I’m concerned with - I’m doing an FET so I’m not doing all the stimming etc, it’s the being pregnant bit I think I could benefit from time out with, based on the fact I felt so unwell last time. I think the consensus on here seems to be don’t quit before you get pregnant, and then see what happens after and request help thereafter if I need it, which does seem sensible. I’ve just felt so fatigued with it all lately that I’ve been tempted to throw the towel in altogether. My journey has been long and hard and I’ve done it all alone so it’s really taking its toll now. Thanks for your comments.

@Corksoles thanks for sharing your experience and sorry you had such a tough time too. Sounds like your sickness set in as of the TWW? I remember mine started early last time but don’t recall exactly when. Thanks for the prep talk too - I don’t know why I feel such guilt, I don’t know where it comes from. I think maybe cos my journey has been so long and I’ve had to miss several key events over the years due to IVF, I sort of feel I’m constantly letting people down. I have to remember though I’ve spent 6 years working hard and that at the end of the day the corporate world doesn’t care about me and family is more important.

Don't underestimate how programmed women are to be 'good' and put everyone in front of ourselves. It's completely legit to take time off if you're not well enough to work. I had a manager early on in my career who told me to apply for other jobs as 'no one here really cares about you' - she didn't mean it badly, and she was right. No one cares. They'll find a work around. It's not your problem.

+1 to @Corksoles

In my 2nd pregnancy i had various complications and took about 10 weeks out sick during my pregnancy.
I did not feel a scrap of guilt. I worked when i could and my legal rights and employment contract entitled me to sick leave and sivk pay.

The number of women who asked me if i felt guilty / bad and if i was taking mat leave up early "because i wasnt as productive" so it was "taking the piss a bit" was depressing

I’d say don’t quit until you’re pregnant, but even then I’d suggest going off on long term sick if you need to until maternity leave.
A corporate job I assume comes with a good maternity package. Don’t underestimate this as you just never know what’s around the corner, savings or not.

No, you'll need your maternity pay. If you feel that bad when you next fall pregnant, you have the option to quit then. Don't do it before you even know though.

Sorry to hear of your losses.

we went through a long journey, not sole but IVF. 3 losses, 1 very late. What I found helpful was taking my annual leave and timing the ivf where possible to include time work was closed - eg Easter.

however, one change I made was to change jobs to reduce my commute time by half.

I wouldn’t quit.
Take time off after seeing your GP if needed and dont feel guilty about it.
Plan some time iff, loads of it around your embryo transfer and the 2WW. Seeing your circumstances, with the travel etc… I wouldn’t even consider trying to continue during that time.

Then assess depending on what’s the outcome.
But I wouldn’t throw away the maternity leave.

@Corksoles So so true and it’s only in my 40s I’ve even started to become conscious of how my early programming has impacted me. It’s really very difficult to reverse it but doing this post, and seeing the responses, has really brought it home that I do need to put myself first. Thank you.

Re your comment about your female colleagues, that doesn’t surprise me at all. After my miscarriage / haemorrhage last December, I had some time off on sick leave, and when I returned a female colleague asked me if I had felt guilty being off. I replied, “no, not really, given that I was hospitalised after bleeding profusely over my living room floor before having a life saving blood transfusion, I kind of felt a bit of time off was not unreasonable”. That killed that one!

Just to add my two pence, it took 7 rounds of IVF for me to have our wonderful DD, although during that we went through own egg/sperm, donor egg and then into donor embryo, I changed jobs not long before I started cycle number 7. I went from living away from home during the week, with additional travel all round the UK and a lot of stress, to working 25 minutes from home every day and no work related stress. I genuinely believe this contributed to the successful pregnancy, and also allowed me to put me and my little embryo first in those first few weeks. So whilst I wouldn’t advocate giving up work, I do think you need to think about how you reduce your mental and physical stressors.

youve had some good advice here, OP. I think a lot of us have been through similar experiences. I suppose the other option is changing jobs to something nearer home and less stressful. If doing that one consideration would be what maternity pay you would qualify for if you conceived quickly. You would have to make a call about the cost/benefit to you over the longer term (and the advantages of a lower stress role).

I've been having fertility treatments on and off for 4 years now and the stress has resulted in me drastically reducing hours at work and taking a job with decreased responsibilities to what I used to do.

It's really not spoken about very much but fertility treatment has had a direct impact on my career. I could not have carried on as I was. I am lucky that my DH has a good job because we wouldn't have coped otherwise.

I am now in a much less stressful, more peaceful, calm state of mind, healthier in my body too, and am hoping that it will make a difference.