Do children who are conceived with donor sperm tend to struggle with this?

[TetherEndOfMy]

It's something I am considering, but I'm worried about the ethics of it and the effect it could have on the child. Does anyone here have any experience?

There was a recent study that suggested SMBC homes were more stable and better for the child than homes where the male partner had left, particularly contentiously. And those were sperm donor using SMBC obviously. So perhaps they’ll have questions. Everyone has questions about something in their life. Raise them in an atmosphere of joy and shamelessness and be upfront from the very beginning about it, Id say.

That'll be contentious behaviour in the home v. non contentious behaviour in the home - not single mum v. two parent family.
Obvious, really.

I have named changed for this because it's a ridiculous situation that makes a mockery of real donors.

I have an old friend who has a (now) 2.5 year old son. She's always been single- a few brief relationships but nothing very ling. She is certainly eccentric to put it mildly and has a history of making very erratic decisions.

To cut a long story short she had her son after a (deliberate) one night stand where she was trying to get pregnant. She told our group that she would track when she ovulated each month and then go and find a willing "live donor" (her words). I'm not sure how many moths she did this for before she got pregnant.

The father has no idea and she has no way of contacting him- she doesn't even know his name. She has told her family that she was paired with a sperm donor as they are very religious.

Her intention is simply to tell her son he was donor conceived when he asks. She has no solution to offer to the fact that there is a register of actual donors which this man will obviously not be on.

All of us (friendship group) can see the inevitable damage that this will result in for that poor little boy who will never know anything of his parentage.

She doesn't seem to be able to grasp how it will affect him to know nothing about 50% of himself. She's oblivious to the fact that he will need to have answers and the most upsetting thing is he will never be able to have them. I hope it won't affect their relationship but these sorts of lies can cause deep damage.

The whole thing is one of the most shocking things I've experienced as a friend- I honestly don't know anything I can do to circumvent the future problems. It's heartbreaking.

Her intention is simply to tell her son he was donor conceived when he asks. She has no solution to offer to the fact that there is a register of actual donors which this man will obviously not be on.

How selfish of her - I feel sorry for her son!

I would assume that if the child is told about it from a young age, then they are unlikely to question it as that's all you know. What you grow up with is what you are familiar with and to you, that's "normal". It only becomes an issue when you are lied to, or not told until you're much older.

I also think it is much less of an issue in 2023 than it used to be. Families are now widely accepted in all shapes and sizes, and there is no single definition for what a family should look like.

You just have to be prepared that one day your child may want to reach out to the donor, and whether or not that's something you would be comfortable with.

I would recommend for you to read https://www.amazon.co.uk/We-Are-Family-matters-children/dp/1912854376

'Our understanding of what makes a family has undergone a revolution in the last few decades, from same-sex parenthood to surrogacy, donor conception, and IVF. But what has the impact been on children?

In We Are Family, Professor Susan Golombok visits lesbian mothers, gay fathers, single parents, donor conception parents, co-parents, trans parents, surrogates, and donors, and, more importantly, their children, to find out if they are as well-adjusted, happy, and emotionally stable as children from traditional nuclear families. And she discovers that the answer is yes ― and sometimes even more so.Susan’s work at the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge proves that any family set-up can provide a loving, secure home for a child ― although, the children from these families will often face prejudiced attitudes from others. Since the 1970s, when she was first drawn to this area of research after reading about lesbian mothers whose children were being removed from their care, Susan has worked tirelessly to challenge outdated attitudes and prevent families being split up for no good reason. This book tells the stories of those families ― their struggles and their triumphs ― while celebrating love and family in all its wonderful variations.'

Recommend the above book to your friend, the important part is that she is honest with her child from a young age. Many women chose to have truely anonymous donors, going abroad in order to do so. Whilst her actions may be shocking the key part is the honesty with the child.

@ErikaReadsTheDailyMail forget to put this on above message

It's tricky because it's not likely to be a person's preference for how they were conceived yet we go ahead and create people like this anyway. So we generally know it's not ideal - we just don't know how far from the ideal it will be for that individual. Then we tend to hear from the people who didn't get on well with it via support groups and advocacy sites. And barely at all from those who found it easy to adapt to or for whom is not hugely significant.