@Lightningrain I have a 10 month old son snoring upstairs from egg donation. I cannot thank that woman enough for her generosity and courage. I have a long history, but suffice it to say, that though we knew we might, eventually have a better result with IVF than the 3 previous failures - not even an embryo to transfer, during any of the cycles... we ultimately decided it wasn't worth the price of the relationship. So we moved onto donor eggs.
We were successful from our first transfer.
To answer your questions:
Will I look at the baby and be upset if he or she doesn’t bear any physical resemblance to me?
My son looks nothing like me. Different hair and eye colour, completely unique features. I do see this and sometimes wonder how else he might look if he came from my egg, but he didn't. He couldn't be here if it wasn't for the path we chose. And we adore him. I enjoy watching his face and features grow. They are perfect, precious and him.
Will it upset me if someone mentions a resemblance (or lack of) to me or DP?
Only one woman recently commented that he looks nothing like me. I was a bit surprised, but I agree, so... yeah!
Will I always wonder whether it would have eventually been possible with my own eggs?
Yes, probably. But you may also be very busy being a parent! Donor gametes seemed a huge thing, before he arrived. Now 98% of the things we face are just about being parents, same as any other parent, only2% is donor related, I think. I second the recommendation of the DCN.
What will I tell the child, and what if it affects them in a negative way?
See Donor Conception Network, (DCN) literature and free webinars. Smart, loving people, have been considering this question for many years and have helpful advice and experience to share.
We are already telling our DS, in our own way, about the special way he was conceived. It's nothing for him to be ashamed of. We were very, very much wanting to be a family with him.
If I want a second child will I be bothered about my children having genetic links to different donors?
Maybe you will - but you can freeze a number of embryos in advance using the same donor. Once you have healthy embryos, unless you have internal challenges e.g. with your lining, you have a good chance of having a healthy child. We knew in advance that we would have an opprortunity to give our child a genetic sibling, this was helpful to consider in advance.
I do know folk whose families are from more than one donor. Families get created in all sorts of ways, don't they?
Do we have to tell family and friends as presumably we wouldn’t tell the child it’s to be kept secret? So far we’ve only told my DM that we’re having IVF.
We did tell. I needed to share my journey from day 1 and it was a good 4 years of new discoveries and hard times, so I had a few friends and family members who travelled that journey with us. Their joy at meeting DS and our joy at his arrival is one of the peak experiences of my life.
On the other hand if I don’t consider it I I might regret it. I’ll probably feel horrendously guilty about stopping DP from having children even though he insists he is happy with whatever I decide.
Yes, you might. Being a parent is like crossing a river. There are two banks. Childfree or parent. Once you cross from one to the other, you can never return to your childfree self. I had a wonderful life prior to the fertility journey, work I loved, a DH I loved. Being a parent is the best life shift I could ever make and I love it.
Hope that helps!