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Donor conception

is 46 selfish?

45 replies

Karcheer · 22/11/2019 17:20

i did 2 rounds of IVF at the ARGC before my 40th birthday both failed, and i decided to stop at 40. The "pain" of being childless hasn't left me and id really like to go to Spain and use a donor egg. i know people do this at all ages, but is it really selfish? should i just except being an aunty is a close as im going to get?

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 22/11/2019 17:26

What do you think is selfish about it?

Karcheer · 22/11/2019 17:30

i guess being an older mum to a child, the burden that child would have being quite young with old parents.

Id be doing it purely for myself - which i suppose is true of all parents...

OP posts:
KellyMarieTunstall2 · 22/11/2019 17:31

It's not selfish to want to be a mother. Are you worried about being 46? I'm 46 I have 2 year old.

firstimemamma · 22/11/2019 17:32

At your age the chances of conceiving and carrying a healthy baby to term and delivering a healthy baby safely are practically zero. I'm sorry op.

stucknoue · 22/11/2019 17:34

My friend was 46 when her dd was born (natural conception). Whilst she adores her dd, at 64 she feels very old still to have a teen. Her advice to me was don't consider it (my marriage broke up and a lot of 40 something men want you to be willing to have kids)

Nordicmom · 22/11/2019 17:36

This is maybe the case if you use your own eggs not donor firsttimemamma! I don’t think it is too late for you if that’s what you really want then I would do it you have one life to live and you don’t want to regret it later ! Good luck !

JoJoSM2 · 22/11/2019 17:38

It’s a bit on the old side. However, I don’t think it’s too old. These days people are expected to work till 68 so your child will be an adult by the time you retire.
If you’ve got the money, I’d just budget for a maternity nurse. I’m a bit younger and found the newborn days completely exhausting. Energy levels aren’t what they used to be in the 20’s.

CurlyTwirlyTwos · 22/11/2019 17:38

As long as you are financially comfortable, healthy (and plan to stay healthy) you are able to give a good life to your child OP - why not?

It'll be 'different' but in my experience NO family is perfect!

GeekNotChic · 22/11/2019 17:44

Are your parents still alive? Did your grandparents live to a decent age?

I know friends who have/ had babies in their mid 40s (IVF) and it's all lovely now. I do wonder what it will be like having teenagers when they are 60 but I guess they'll just have to cope!

Karcheer · 22/11/2019 17:45

I'm fit and healthy and we could afford to give a child a lovely homelife, I've a close family and the child would have cousins of a similar age to support them. i guess parents of any age can get sick etc.

OP posts:
IndefatigableMouse · 22/11/2019 17:45

Firstimemamma - that’s rather ignorant. Using a donor egg her chances are as high as her donor’s age.

Karcheer · 22/11/2019 17:46

geeknotchic my nan is 96 and still quite active. My parents are both still around and well and active.

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 22/11/2019 17:56

I don’t think it’s selfish at all. I know someone who fell pregnant without meaning to when they were 42. 46 isn’t much older. You sound like you have thought this through and you would be a great mum. Risks during pregnancy are higher, but then they can be higher for younger women in certain circumstances too e.g. young obese women - no one would call them selfish for that.

commanderdalgliesh · 22/11/2019 18:30

I had a baby at 38 and didn't think twice. I think of you can provide a happy home that's more than a lot of children get.

RedPandaFluff · 22/11/2019 19:31

Hi @Karcheer - next month I'm turning 40 and expecting my first baby from donor egg IVF. I have two frozen embryos that I'll transfer in a couple of years time, in the hopes of a sibling, so I'll be 42-43 if I'm lucky enough to have a second (although I already feel like I've got my miracle!)

I don't feel too old at all. In fact, I know I'll be a better mother now than I would have ten years ago. Yes, I could be struck down by illness, but tragic things happen at any age. Nobody has a crystal ball.

I say go for it, and wish you all the luck in the world!

Persipan · 22/11/2019 19:33

firsttimemamma you're going to need to hit me up with some peer-reviewed studies backing up your assertion, if you want me to believe that outcomes are universally poor in situations where an older mother uses donor eggs.

OP, if you want to go for it, go for it.

pinkyredrose · 22/11/2019 19:33

It's not too old. If you don't go for it do you think you might regret not trying?

Bibbidybobbitysplated · 22/11/2019 19:38

Im the child of older parents, on the whole it was irrelevant until things like sports days and piggy back rides where my parents could not join in. They also found it harder to relate to modern life (at the time of course - things like being picked on for having the wrong brand of shoes was unheard of in their day so they didnt care). They are also struggling with being grandparents way more than my grandparents did as they just don't have the energy and you can see it hurts them a little.

Its your call, but i can personally say i have a top age where i wont be trying for more children no matter what. I dont doubt you may be an amazing parent, just a few thoughts from the other side

Pilot12 · 22/11/2019 19:39

No, I'm 44 with a four year old and a five month old. If it's what you want go for it. Don't look back and regret not trying.

Karcheer · 22/11/2019 19:41

pinkyredrose I will definitely regret it. It’s just whether my feelings are more important than how a child would feel having old parents and being made in a non traditional way. I have absolutely no issue with using a donor, but I guess I don’t know that my child will feel the same way... plus having old parents if you see what I mean... I know every family is different etc but I guess in an ideal world you’d start a child in a perfect way as the rest of life is less than perfect....

OP posts:
firstimemamma · 22/11/2019 20:15

@Persipan it's the view of my fiancé who works in a fairly senior position in a hospital. He is too tired from his 17 hour shift to search for peer- approved reviews (or whatever it is you asked for) for me to show you I'm afraid.

If people on here want to believe op has a fighting chance (note that I never said no chance whatsoever or definite zero) of having a healthy baby at 46 they are welcome to think that, let's just agree to disagree. My last post on this thread because I don't want to argue online.

Lauren83 · 24/11/2019 07:27

Firsttimemamma let's hope he doesn't work in reproductive medicine then hey, does he understand the concept of donor eggs? Do you? Ops chance of success with donor eggs is the same as if she was 35 (providing no additional health issues) you might want to educate that man of yours. I have a list the length of my arm of babies born healthily to egg recipients in women Ops age and shock horror even women at 50-53 too!

GrumpyHoonMain · 24/11/2019 07:28

Most women I know who got pregnant from 46 did it naturally so why not? If you didn’t need ivf nobody would even bat an eyelid.

EarlGreyT · 24/11/2019 20:57

You would be correct if you were talking about the chances using your own eggs at 46 being practically zero.

This is NOT the case with donor eggs and the odds of a successful pregnancy are much more in line with those of a woman the donor’s age and not those of a 46 year old.

Whatever the view of your “fiancé who works in a fairly senior position in a hospital” is, it is wrong and he is misinformed unless he’s referring to the odds worthy own eggs.

EarlGreyT · 24/11/2019 20:57

*with not worthy

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