Advice - clean break vs Mesher order

[ItAllShallPass]

Hi. Separating from wife of 5 years (together for 15) with two kids under age of 10. We are both in our 40’s. I’ve just moved to a new 2 bed rental temporarily until I figure out what next. Kids will primarily stay with their mum and visit 1-2 nights per week plus hols.

I have been the only earner working in tech since we got together as she quit her job > 10 years ago and never got back into work after kids.

Our marital assets are c £1.5m including main home c £800k equity (£600k outstanding mortgage), ISA savings of c £250k, pension of c £100k and deferred stock of £350k.

Starting with a 50/50 split, she would have c £750k of equity but no income and no ability to pay mortgage. Solicitor advising me that the court would favour a clean break where the house is sold, she takes all or the majority of the equity in it and then she rehouses in a smaller property around £1m. Means it’s a 66/33 split in her favour (or possibly 70/30) and we go our separate ways. I will have to pay spousal maintenance (plus CMS) until she earns again.

I feel this is too disruptive for the kids and costly with stamp duty. I could offer to pay down the full mortgage so the house is debt free over a time period and we defer the sale until the future (15 years for youngest to reach 18!!!) but means I need to pay £600k of outstanding mortgage (£300k on her behalf assuming we maintain 50/50 split). The net financial result is the same for me except that I tie up my equity in this house and limit my option to buy a new home for me (+ potential CGT implications when selling in the future….).

I have always considered the house to be a security for the kids in the future so I don’t mind the mesher arrangement but I worry about being tied in with future ex; what if there are major repairs, maintenance works or another partner moves in….! Plus all the emotional baggage…

The other consideration is that I need to pay spousal maintenance for a period until she starts working again. I think she could easily get a PT job today but she is retraining in a new field and claims she won’t be able to work or earn for another few years. I feel thats unfair because she can easily earn £30k if she picks up a similar job to what she did previously and grow that to £40-50k in a few years.

Maintaining the home means i will need to commit c £3-4k of monthly mortgage on top of my new rental costs and all maintenance…. Not sure how I keep that up in addition to supporting two homes even if I’m on a high salary (net after tax c £10k of per month + some bonus).

Welcome any advice.

Clean break and judges won’t be fooled by a few years, they will expect her to start earning now. With those assets you can buy a home outright for them easily, it may not be in such a nice area but that’s not your problem.

@Corse and @Teacaketravesty

Majority of the assets are in trust or illiquid. However I got legal advice on my special situation and as a general rule: assets that are gifted by parents to a spouse or inherited by a spouse and which have not been used to support the couple or family during marriage, or have not been used as joint asset base are typically ring-fenced out of the marital asset pool.

In other words and for instance, just because a spouse inherits a property, it doesn’t automatically give the other party right to 50% of it. It’s only the case if the couple/family makes use of the property, moves into it or sells it and uses the proceeds jointly.

That said in a divorce, the court looks at each spouse’s financial resources available to them when they determine each party’s ability to re-house themselves and financially support themselves independently of the other party. This will most certainly be the case here.

@Cdu

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and the advice.

It is so easy to get lost in the numbers and the process, and to feel resentment towards each other, that we forget we are dealing with someone we once decided to take as our life partner. You write with empathy and consideration, and I really appreciate that. I keep trying to put myself in her shoes to understand her perspectives and I agree with you that she is afraid and feeling unsettled financially and emotionally.

None of this matters at this stage, but I did not want a divorce, and I was keen to continue working on the relationship. We went through couple counselling for a long time, individual therapy work, tried so many different things and i was (am!) keen to continue trying but communication has been very difficult and she decided it was irreparable and wants to move on. I have tried to comfort her that i will not just turn my back and will continue supporting, but she has lost all trust in me and thinks I’m out to get her financially; whatever i say…

This is why I was curious to get people’s views on this forum and to understand a perspective that I may be missing.

The clean break construct you outline makes sense. Will need to figure out what is the right split of equity bcs I think she will try and get 100% of the house + some more.

The main question on spousal maintenance is duration and amount but it is clear to me that it will be required in this case since she will continue being primary carer for the kids and it will take time for her to build up earnings again.

I’m sorry that you weren’t able to afford your own mortgage after divorce. It must have been a daunting time but it’s nice to hear you had support from a relative to step in and act as guarantor.

My (ex) wife has no one unfortunately - which is why i feel even more responsible.

I hope that you have recovered after the separation and are building a life that you are satisfied with. Wish you much fortitude and all the best too. Thank you once again for your kind words.

Don’t forget to look after your own interests too

its all very well wanting to support her but how will you feel if she takes most of the assets, is mortgsge free, you’re giving thousands in cms and spousal and she moves someone in? While you have smaller house, don’t see your kids much and are saddled with larger mortgages etc. they happens frequently

and of course no one knows what the future holds. You could lose your job, be ill, have an accident etc and your income and work situation changes drastically.

you can get a clean break here and both come out ok

Clean break!!! I wish mesher orders would be stopped. Judges are supposed to used them as a last resort but unfortunately the older judges still like to use them. My husband had a mesher order with his ex wife and it damn near ruined our lives for a while when it came to term. Nobody, not you, the solicitor or the judge knows what the future may hold between now and the mesher order comes to term. One or both of you could become ill. House prices can alter. Unexpected damage can occur. But also there's the psychological effect of remaining tied to an ex for so long.
It's far healthier and safer all round to make that break now. Kids will adapt. And I mean no offence but the levels of finance you describe are way above what many of us on here could ever obtain so you could both easily downsize and still live a luxurious life

You say you only plan to have your children 1-2 days a week and during holidays. That means you are leaving your ex to do all the school runs, sick days, and doctors appointments . This is for going to severely impact her earning power.

if she sees a way to retrain and earn well despite you not doing you share, that might be the best plan in the long run.

I agree with clean break as others have said. Different monetary assets in my case, and a lot less to divide but I have additional points for you to consider:

• Try and agree as much as you can between yourselves (legal advice where needed) but avoid doing it all through legal / court processes if possible due to high costs / stress. There are official mediation centres across the uk who do online and in person work - they can help you to both negotiate and agree the divorce and financial splits and they are a whole lot cheaper than doing it through solicitors and a court. Once the agreement is reached it is then authorised by a court. So it could be worth looking into this, more info here- https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/
• You can also use a direct access barrister if things are looking like they cannot be resolved through mediation - whether this is right in your circumstances I dont know but worth looking into.
• Get it done and the upheaval over with asap and whilst the kids are young - kids are resilient and will adapt. If they can attend the same school / childcare settings this is stability but just cope with a house move and still see you both most kids will cope just fine. I am 10 years post divorce. My child was upset initially but coped with it all fine.
• Do not underestimate how bitter a person can get and how long they can hold a grudge for - which then effects all their behaviours. No matter how reasonable you are, if you are dealing with someone who is bitter and vengeful it can be hard and for a long time. Hence getting things done asap (via clean break).

Finally, just to mention that your wife has by the sounds of it needed to put her potential career to one side to provide the care for the children, enabling you to progress your career. It sounds like you are taking this into account in terms of your thinking but just to flag it. It will be difficult adjusting to living with lesser means but not impossible and a good life can still be had in the future for both of you - to meet others and start over. Best of luck to you both

I earn close to you and my husband nothing. I was told courts really don’t go for spousal unless you’re a multi millionaire- saved for footballers and the like. She doesn’t need a £1m property even in London. Split the assets 50/50? Or buy her out. There’s more than enough to share and the courts will expect her to go back to work

This definitely needs to be taken into account. Also the number of DC you have and their age now is relevant. It sounds like they are still very young. Which makes working as a single parent all the more exhausting and difficult.

She does need to understand that both of your standard of livings will go down as there are now 2 houses but the same income.

I agree with those who say clean break now. Also I hope that you intend to write into your order that you will fund the DC through university, not just until they leave college.

@Ponderingwindow im a high earner and did all the school runs, appointments sick days etc. as do many other high earning mums I know. Total fallacy that you can’t earn well and be a mum! Yes it can be harder fir sure but it’s totally possible

Clean break every single time. Do it all with a good solicitor.

And get a consent order. You don't want her coming back for more money for ever more.

I respect your thinking and agree with you, however the reality won’t be straightforward.

You really should have a clean break.

for Example, how will you feel when she meets somebody else and he moves in? Or you do and want to move forward together? It will all get complex. Also any good will/decent communication could change and get toxic over time as circumstances change.

accept your in a good place now and move forward cleanly and positively