Dealing with the "Disney dad"

[Fuzzypinetree]

Just pissed off, I guess...but how do I deal with the comments of,
"Daddy is nicer...", "Daddy plays with me..." apart from just trying to breathe through it?
Ex left a few days before DC2 was born and hasn't been involved with her at all since then. He's seeing DC1 regularly EOW. He had an affair while I was pregnant and is now living with this OW, playing happy families. DC1 doesn't know about this, thinks dad lives in the flat he's rented and at his age wouldn't notice. He's been introduced to OW and has spent the night there. (I don't get told this, I just happen to find out whe DC1 chats about the weekend.)
Yes, ex plays more...because there's only DC1 there. (We do play as well but I've also got a little person at home. ) Yes, he doesn't get stressed so much because I do all the school runs, all the life admin, absolutely everything (with both kids).

I'm not on anyone's "side" except the kids'. The parents' relationship broke up, that's hard, and clearly there are a lot of very bitter feelings there between the Mum and Dad. A break up is between the adults, the child shouldn't be poisoned against one parent with "a few home truths". (This is not what the OP is doing, I am responding to some of the suggestions from PPs).

I agree with posters who say 9 is probably old enough that you can be open about some of the facts with him.

I think in your position I would stop with bigging up going to his dad’s from now on. You don’t want to have a hand in your being victim to any kind of parental alienation. I also think posters are right to gently and lovingly give your ds some home truths. How would he feel if it was the other way round and his dad was pretending he doesn’t exist? He won’t be a child forever. These are teachable moments about what sort of man he may like to become.

We had this for ages, still do occasionally sometimes.

In the moment I usually ignore unless a reply is called for. I’m sure it’s true - his house is more fun than mine - because he’s not doing any actual parenting.

What I have done, which has been really successful is to have separate conversations about Will you have children when you’re a grown up? How will you raise them? Will you make them eat healthy food or junk food? Will they be allowed unlimited TV?

Interestingly even from very young they could recognise that the way I was raising them was right even though they thought dads house was better than mine.

Probably trying to convince OW he's a good dad but his "crazy Ex" only lets him see his older kid a few times a month.

Sounds like he wouldn't know what to do with an actual baby, hence the rush to leave just before they were born.

One of the easiest ways to keep OW (because a relationship started with cheating is fragile) is to get her pregnant but that's not going to happen unless he plays the Disney Dad.

Straight out the cheating bastard playbook.

And for what it's worth I started to really resent my dad around about 11 or 12 yo because I could see he was barely making any effort. Your 9yo doesn't have long to go.

I know it is no comfort to you rught now, but they do see and they do understand who does the caring.

My ex is/was a Disney but my young adult kids have seen right through it, and see him for what he is. I didn’t tell them what I thought if him, they formed their own opinions.

I am sorry OP that sounds really tough. I think that I too would be a bit more open about what you are doing for your DC and why which means that you can't play all the time. I am a lone parent and my DD wants me to play with her all the time so I just try to explain why I am doing what I am doing , eg preparing a healthy tea because I want them to grow up healthy and strong.

It’s hard. You can explain in simple terms to your DC why getting to school on time, etc is for their benefit, why you need to give some time to the baby. Just be calm, kind, consistent but firm.

When they are old enough to really understand all the support you have given them, they will really get it I promise. It will be you they come to with their successes and issues, passing their driving test, their first break up. Etc.

Go after him through the child maintenance channels and get back pay. Let's see how "bouncy" he is then!

Its a shit situation at the moment, and your older DC will probably always enjoy dad time if dad is all about fun, but soon both your children will realise that you are the one who loves them, meets all their real needs, that they can rely on; and that he’s feckless and shallow. This is just a tiresome phase.

I feel for you. You have by far the rough end of the stick and are far more drained.

Do not worry, I had all of this my child wasn’t even 2 before her dad skipped off into the sunset with OW she would come home and tell me how beautiful OW is. Clearly coached by her father, my DD thought the sun shone out of his arse. However, now at almost 12 she won’t even sleep over she said their home is miserable and her dad is lazy and does nothing in the home. They see through the wonderful persona in the end and they know who was really there for them.

Bide your time op....as your DC gets older and matures they'll realise what their dad is all about and who is the most reliable involved parent.

I think I'd say ,that's really great you have a lovely and fun time at daddy's house. Mummy likes to have fun times too, but has to fit in all the boring jobs as well that helps us have a good life ,daddy can do the other jobs when you aren't there so it feels like he's much more fun.