How much does parents divorce impact your life as an adult?

[Junebugjane]

I’m 32 and have my own family.. my parents divorced when I was around 14 (I think) I have blocked much of that time from my memory. My dad had an affair and left the family to be with new wife and her kids. I always thought it didn’t really affect me although horrific at the time. Now I have my own children I genuinely cannot comprehend me and my husband divorcing/ one of us having an affair.. I have been thinking about it so much recently and wondering how my dad could have done it as my children are my priority in everything. I’m also wondering if this time in my life may have impacted me more than I realised.. does anyone have similar experiences of parents separating and how it has impacted their lives as adults if at all?

My parents split and divorced when I was 4. I don't actually have any memory of them being together.

As an adult and a parent myself, it definitely makes me value our family unit of my husband and I raising DC together. My husband however grew up with married parents and doesn't seem to get the fuss.

DH and I have been through struggles in the past and I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to make it work, which I think is because I know how difficult it could be if we split.

I definitely appreciate the ease of family holidays, mutual agreements and not splitting time between families.

What was your relationship like with your father in the years afterwards

It impacts me more now as an adult than it did as a teen, I find it so stressful having to deal with parents separately. One on their own so I feel an extra layer of responsibility and the other then always feeling left out, jealous of less time with grand kids etc, twice the amount of visits etc. It wasn't even an acrimonious split, they are amicable, but it's still double the work for me.

I absolutely hate it, it would be so much easier if they were together.

My parents got divorced when I was about 4, I can’t remember them being together. It has no impact on my adult life apart from my son has an extra ban in my fantastic step mum

I think I've always managed ok, although blimey we've had our ups and downs over the years. I wouldn't say it's in any way damaged je, but it has made me the person I am.

My parents divorced when I was 9ish. My dad was a serial adulterer.
I'd say they had quite a messy divorce with huge amounts of bitterness on my mum's part. that compounded by my parents' new partners and all the hassle they brought was probably worse than the actual separation. My mum basically hated my Dad til the day he died for what he did to her. My step dad I think hated my Dad even more so than my mum did, and tried to turn us against him. That made family events like our wedding and later our kids parties etc difficult and a bit of a logistical nightmare. growing up in those circumstances was challenging.

My parents were totally unsuited to each other, but got together young, in the 70s when people I think didn't really live together or have long term relationships without marriage. My Dad was a shit to my mum, but he was still my Dad. I don't think my mum was whiter than white either, but who knows, I've only really heard one side.

It's made me want to have a successful marriage, but also not be a push over or someone who sweeps stuff under the carpet. I think it's actually made me quite resilient in some ways.

I'd moved out and was living miles away.

After a distressed call I had to physically remove my mother for a while so that my father could move out as she was rightly very angry for his dreadful behaviour.

I lost what little respect I had for them in the ensuing months as they behaved like squabbling children until they finally sorted out the divorce and house sale. Neither I nor my siblings had any interest in being referee.

It made for a fast transition in our relationship from parent/child to adult/adult which in some ways was useful. It meant that I never ever felt that they were in a position to tell me what to do.

They were damaged people who should never have married and were happier apart (eventually).

It's affected me more because my parents didn't divorce when they kept saying they would.

Less the divorce, more the war zone that was their marriage. Divorce was the least bad solution for two people who could not be civilised with each other. It wasn't a case of one upping and leaving the other. But yes, I have always been gobsmacked at how they behaved, especially since having my own children. A harmonious and happy home, full of laughter, goodwill and respect, is the most important thing I want to give my children. I also believe a strong family structure (branching out from the immediate family into the extended family on both sides) is very important for children and young adults. I felt alone and adrift in the world when I came of age, and it hindered me.

I look at the lives of myself and my siblings and at this distance I know it has affected us a lot, but tbh probably not as much as what it was like growing up while they were still together. I don't really get 'family life' as something to enjoy at all, and from the outside you would have said we had everything we could have wanted. The divorce was like we could all stop pretending.

I’m very interested in this thread because I worry so much about the impact on our children if we split up, but then I look at my parents who stayed together and think ‘surely splitting up and being happy separately is better than that!’

My parents' failure to divorce was devastating.

My parents divorced when I was 7. Felt like we had survived it ok at the time but in hindsight we were very traumatised and it didn't hit until I had my own kids and the oldest turned 7. I realised my dad had helped buffer my mum, but without him there, I in effect became her emotional support. It has had a monumental impact on both my mental and physical health as an adult.

I realised my dad had helped buffer my mum, but without him there, I in effect became her emotional support.

This really resonates with me. There's a lot of romanticising about single mums and daughters, thanks Gilmore Girls, but it's been a suffocating burden, my mum has no idea.

Another one who became their mum’s emotional crutch. It lasted for decades until a therapist told me it wasn’t ok and I started to tell her “I’m not having this conversation with you”. She would still persist in trying to force the conversations and I’d have to leave the room to stop them.

She now has a therapist - a proper one who isn’t her 11 year old daughter.

My parents were never married but split up when I was 1, I never knew them together, I never saw my dad untill I was 10 but I was very close to my paternal grandparents, when I was 10 he called my mum and asked if I could go to his 30th birthday party, obviously my mum said no, she wasn't going to allow me to go and stay for the weekend and attend a party with a man I didn't know.

After that though I did start to slowly see my dad again, and now as an adult I see him a handful of times a year, he has a wife and more kids but lives about 2/3 hours away from me, it makes no odds to me that my parents weren't together, I had a really good step dad though so that helped

My son's dad is useless and a horrible man who has recently disappeared from his life because I applied for CSA. I feel awful that I let history repeat itself for him!

Absolutely the most impactful thing to have happened in my life and I believe this trauma has and continues to affect me.
I was a daddy’s girl, he was quickly replaced by a kind and level headed man who helped to kept things at home on an even keel and without him, life would’ve been unbearable for me. But the snide remarks and accusations still haunt me.
I was 7 and although I did continue to see him, it became more difficult and I held a lot of anger and resentment. Looking back, so much of my teenage actions were probably due to this disconnect and the low self esteem it left me with.
I’m in the process of reconnecting with my dad. The missed time we’ll never get back and I know that time ahead of us is limited. The distance between us and his poor health make it harder. I’m not strong enough to ask my questions, I’m not sure I ever will be, but gaining strength and belief as we go.

I realise I’m going to need therapy to process this, it takes up far too much of my headspace currently.

I’ve also ‘stayed’ in a what is now a situationship to ensure my children aren’t walked away from. It’s not ideal, I know.

Thank you so much for replies. It seems maybe it does impact adult life more than I thought. I seem to suddenly have loads of resentment towards my dad I didn’t really have before. It seems to come from the fact I cannot comprehend putting anything before my children and just leaving them. He was always ‘there’ but his ‘new family’ clearly took priority.. we visited him maybe once a month. The rest of the time he seemed to be always on holiday, day trips having a lovely time basically. He always looked after us financially which I think was his way of making amends. I just struggle to get my head around choosing to leave your children and spend time with an entirely new family. My parents always seemed fairly happy… no major rows or unhappiness impacting our lives. Just strikes me as extremely selfish and for some reason it’s all catching up with me now. My mum bless her is incredible and is actually on very very good terms with my dad due to grandchildren being in the picture!

The replies on here really resonate. I would say my parents divorce has had huge ripple effects. At the time it was a blessing in disguise as they were literally ripping chunks out of each other, and latterly me. But in hindsight it meant I was left at home with a very mentally unwell Mother, who used me (only child) as a crutch for all her issues. I bumbled through it for years, often sacrificing my own needs to meet hers (like not taking overseas jobs etc to keep an eye on her). Fats forward many years and I cannot understand how any parent could put their kids through what I went through. But even now as a middle aged adult they still cause me issues as they age. They both think they have "rights" and "priority" over who gets my time to meet their care needs and send in family members to lecture me periodically.

It is less about the technical Divorce and more about what caused it, but it still causes issues 30 years on. Neither of them has forgiven the other one, and they still like to put me right in the middle of it all given half the chance.

I think it sounds like in your case, it would have been even worse if they had stayed together though. what do you think?

I am really sorry you went through that. I know all about ‘challenging’ parents and it’s so hard.

My parents separated when I was 9. My mum had an affair . It doesn't affect my adult life day to day but I feel sad that I lost contact with most of my dads family and also that mum thought it appropriate to drag us around whilst she went from man to man . She has never settled with one partner whereas dad married again and has been happily married for 35 yrs now .

I think it can shape your family life. My parents were happily married until they both died, however my paternal grandfather left the family home for another woman when my dad was about 16. My dad did not speak about his father ever, and I never met him (he moved away with his new wife and her son). I think this event made my father determined that his family life would be the opposite to what he had experienced. He was a brilliant dad and a kind and loyal person, totally dedicated to us. His 5 siblings marriages also all stuck together until the end of their lives as they were all affected by the divorce and sad that their father seemingly wanted no contact.

I am separated myself (happened after my parents deaths, when our dc were early teens) and I just hope that our children's lives won't be affected too much. It was not my decision to split but I was determined for things to remain amicable because life is too short and we both love our children.

We can all imagine what answers a separate thread asking people about how growing up with warring parents who clung to a failing marriage / relationship just so they could stay together “for the children” has affected them in adult life would generate. Am sure that grim experience leads to just as many therapy hours in later life for the children who grew up with that as does the flipside of childhoods living in two households due to divorced parents /
blended families. Our childhood eventually leads to our own Confirmation Bias. And yes, if we can avoid our parents’ mistakes so much the better, but it doesn’t stop us making our own mistakes.

I wondered this. But the reality is for me, is that I have double the issues because they are two separate households. Mix in, increasing frailty, ongoing warring between the parents and family expectations on both sides and it is a constant battle between guilt and looking after my own sanity. So in that sense it is different to how it would have been if they stayed together.

@NeedsMustNet I suspect a lot of us have experienced both, marriages don't tend to end over night.

I am sure you are not suggesting your parents would not still be arguing if they had stayed together. So are you saying you wish you had had parents who got on, didn’t fight and hadn’t separated, and then kept on fighting?

We all have our “if only” crosses to bear. Yours sound pretty heavy. I wish you all the best.