Advice for a SAHM who want a divorce from high earner

[Twinklestar80]

I know there are a lot of threads on here but I thought I'd get some advice/feedback on my situation as it feels quite unique and complex.

Apologies for the long post!

I've been with my high earning wife (£200k +) for 12 years and married 8 and am currently a stay at home mum (we’re same-sex) to our five year old that I carried and our 14 month son who she carried. I haven’t worked full time since 2018 (I work in marketing and earn’t £30k max at the time) I’ve since basically sacrificed my career to help her progress as she travels a lot and works very late nights.

After many years of back and forth, I’ve decided that it is in all of our best interests to divorce. My resentment towards her (she can be verbally abusive and controls all our finances and reminds me on a daily basis that I don’t contribute financially) has made me realise that the best way for us to move forward with our lives is separately but making sure that children’s best interests are at the centre. We’ve tried two different therapists and things change for a month or so and then we slip back into the same old pattern. I am the primary carer for both children and have them 90% of the time so I’m pretty much the centre of their world.

Im starting to look into solicitors as she holds all the financial cards (I basically get an allowance) and she’s also an American citizen with shares and investments in the States which I’m pretty confident she (and her family) will try to hide. I’ve never been told exactly how much is in those shares (potentially £1m +) and even how much savings we have in a UK bank account.

I guess I’m wondering if asking for a lump sum to buy a house (I live in SE London) and child maintenance would be reasonable to put forward followed by a financial order. We have around £400k equity in the house (we’re both on the mortgage/deeds) and she has a good pension. Before anyone comes at me for asking for money to buy a house, this is for my children. It will be inheritance for them when I die.

I do plan on going back to work both for the financial independent and for my mental health but my son is only 14 months and he doesn’t start nursery till June.

I want to kick myself for allowing myself to become so financially dependant on someone else and feel the guilt everyday that our kids don’t currently have a working role model in me.

My self-worth is at an all time low so if anyone has any similar experiences, I’d be really grateful to hear them 😞

I don't think the law is any different for same sex couples is it? You start at fifty fifty and work from there.n

If you’re being financially abused you should contact woman’s aid.

Are you in England, Wales, N Ireland or Scotland as there are differing rules on pre marital assets in each.

How much of a dent has being a SAHM made on your earning potential? Can you quantify that, as that figure would be useful in negotiation.

And I'm sorry you find yourself here, the divorce process can be horrendous.

Should be 50/50 split, and then child maintenance if they live with you. Will she want the DCs 50/50? Alimony / spousal allowance doesn't seem to be a thing anymore (at least not for any of my friends who were in your position, albeit married to men) as they were essentially told to get jobs, but they did get CM. You will also be entitled to a claim on her pension.

Not sure what you can do if she is hiding money offshore though (I'd assume nothing, as unfair as that might seem).

Get yourself a good solicitor & start from there.

As others have mentioned. It's probably going to be 50 50 on your totally equity including savings etc and then assuming that you're going to continue to be the primary carer you would get maintenance on top of that, there are cms calculators that help with that.
It's going to be hard if she doesn't own to the money abroad though. Her pension is absolutely fair game though .

So you want her to buy you a house mortgage free? While she works hard to walk away with, what?

how old were you when you left work? If you were only earning 30k it doesn’t sound like you sacrificed an amazing career and being out 6 years is not a long time.

that said, you are married, and the lower earner so you’re in a stronger position. A solicitor will
advise on what a fair outcome might look like, based on the assets available but will also assume you return to ft work. You might get some spousal support for a few years to assist with this.

Will she want 50:50 child arrangements?

I doubt you will get a house out of this, but there should be a fair division of assets.
Would you be able to hold a mortgage on your own?

Thanks for your comments.

Just to be clear, I don’t want her to buy me a house. I want some stability and a protected future for our children. They are my priority. She travels a lot and works usually until 9pm most nights (which she’s been doing our whole relationship so nothing has changed since we had children) which is why I haven’t gone back to work yet plus our son is only 14 months old. I would also be more than happy to get a mortgage. I just need to find a job that works around childcare.

You asked what she will walk away with? A house in the US, more than likely, £1m+ in shares which will likely carry on increasing in value, a good pension pot, she’s only 44 so an earning potential which will just keep increasing and a current monthly cleared income of nearly £9k. I still care about her and would never ask for a financial settlement which would put her in debt or struggling to pay bills. My main priority is making sure the children are given as much financial and emotional stability as possible.

I was 38 when I stopped working full time. What is your definition of an ‘amazing career’? How much someone earns? I work in marketing in the arts and cultural sector so pay isn’t as high as other sectors but I worked hard to get where I was so, yes, I did sacrifice a lot. Maybe not financially but certainly in terms of purpose and identity.

Tbh I rather forgo any type of monthly spousal support and have a finite sum so we can have a clean break.

She’ll probably want 50:50 of the kids out of principle but as I said earlier, she travels loads and works insane hours so it’s not very practical or stable for them. I’d probably ask for 70:30 as I’ve got the flexibility to pick them up from school/nursery when ill, take them to appointments, swimming etc.

I don’t really feel like I’m being financially abused.

I guess it’s just the price you pay for going into a relationship/marriage with very unbalanced jobs/savings.

I’m in SE London so house prices, rent, nursery etc. are all a bit more expensive.

I was earning £30k when I left full time work so i guess that would be a good place to start with earning potential.

If you think she will try to hide assets, it may be worth contacting a forensic accountant to get a full picture of her finances.

I would start trying to save what money you can to pay for legal representation.

I would be worried that with her spending power she can afford the very best legal representation, so it might be best to negotiate privately if you can.

Would she not want full custody of the DC she carried?

Thanks for your comment.

I don’t think legally either one of us has the right to ‘claim’ the child that we carried as we’re both on the birth certificate.

In terms of what’s best for the kids, I’m 100% sure that splitting them up is not in their best interests. They adore each other. I couldn’t bring myself to ever try to split them. Our son was donor conceived (egg and sperm) and our daughter is from my egg and the same donor sperm so it’s important to maintain that connection as she’s the only biological relative he has.

I defo agree about her legal representation though. Her brother and cousins are all lawyers in the US and understandably they’ll do everything they can to protect her interests. Her brother was on the verge of divorce a few years ago and it came out that he also had hidden accounts from his wife and as soon as divorce was mentioned, their mum started talking about taking names off accounts etc. hence my concern when they find out about our divorce.

We spoke about separation a few years ago and my wife was very adamant on keeping the courts out of it which made me think she’d be reasonable but she also wanted us to separate but live in the same house and not tell our daughter. In hindsight, I now think it was to avoid a settlement.

If she is an American citizen, this could get really complicated. I would recommend an asset split in your favour rather than ongoing maintenance because if she doesn't like the ongoing financial ties she could easily frustrate them by returning to the USA and choosing to live in a state that won't enforce a UK court order (e.g. when it comes to the US, membership of REMO is determined state by state, not by the country).

Also, you do need to change your attitude a bit. It's a bit haughty to call yourself the "centre" of the children's world. It sounds like the reason you're the stay at home mum isn't because you are better at parenting but because you can't earn enough to support the family and I think it's important to show a bit more respect to the other parent and what they have contributed. Also, your inability to earn good money has probably been a key factor in why your ex hasn't had the option to spend more time with the children but you can pretty much guarantee that after the divorce they're not going to be willing to work silly hours and travel a lot, sacrificing their relationship with their children, just to make your life comfortable.

Things are likely to change; she will want to work less and have more time with the children. You will be expected to go back to work and achieve financial independence.

Half the shares will be yours too if you are married

And her pension tbh .. get a good solicitor

Could you sort out childcare and get
a job before you split? With £200k + your share of the savings + salary, you might be able to buy a place with the rest covered by a mortgage. And you should be able to save some money for legal fees. It might be (depending on how much is in savings) possible for her to keep her pension by giving you a bigger share in your current house meaning you might need a smaller mortgage but you would still need an income for this.

I would recommend mediation to help split the assets fairly and discuss a split about where the children are when - much cheaper than lawers. Good luck.

My point is, at 38 you earned 30k. So you’ve not really sacrificed a career, you gave up a job which you can return to.

if you’re seoarating she may well decide that she no longer wants to work all hours to earn money to allow you not to work. You make her sound bad without realising you can only not work because she works to provide you a high income. She may well decide not to and that she wants the children more,

the shares when realised will be subject to tax so there’s not 1m there, and could be worth no where near what you think ( can go down in value as well as up) I think it’s totally unfair of you to expect her to fund you a house, but a solicitor will be able to advise, especially re evidence if any non uk assets

and these are her children as much as yours

And you are not entitled to half of everything…. You’re entitled to a fair share - which could be less or more. But you do sound entitled

See. A. Solicitor.

You will be expected to work

So in theory she would need to declare all of her assets.

You'd need to try mediation before it went to court if it became adversarial, as unless in certain circumstances mediation is cheaper and easier and better all round.

However if some if her assets are abroad and/or you don't know how much she has in shares they will be easy to hide.

Think about the assets you know about - house, your pension and her pension.

It is possible that if she moves abroad as previous posters have said she could effectively cause you severe financial problems,

If she stays in the U.K. then the presumption is that children see both of their parents. In the event of divorce the assets are usually split to make sure the children are housed and ideally so that they are housed adequately with both parents.

Clean break settlements with lump sums are fairly standard.

@Twinklestar80 I’d start with finding a good family solicitor and a request for 50/50 division of assets, (if you don’t have full visibility of assets and finances ask your solicitor to submit an order for disclosure) with joint legal custody and work out time split on physical custody.

I’d also look at the job market for now. I work in marketing as a CMO and £30k salary in 2018 is probably equal to £40k today.

Have you considered remote work or freelancing in the interim to build up your own individual funds?