Where do I start?

[Mummmyof2]

I'm so glad I came to this website because I've been holding on to my divorce application since we separated a few years ago and it seems everyone is saying to sort the access and finances first. I'm feeling so lost in all of this. I'm happy we're not together after the things he's done but not sorting this out is dragging me down. Fear has stopped me moving things forward. He uses money to control situations and whenever we discuss access and he doesn't like what I say, he threatens to pay less. I have no savings so I don't know what to do. I do have a job and don't qualify for financial support but almost everything I earn is spent on outgoings so there's nothing left for solicitors fees. There's so much advice out there but not when it comes to legal matters. I don't wan't to get into enormous debt but I can't keep going with this level of uncertainty, not knowing when he's going to turn nasty again. Can anyone advise me what to do about sorting out finances and access? We had the same arrangement since we separated and now he wants to change it all.

What’s the arrangement? What assets do you both have? How old are the children?

The children are both under 10. There's no formal child maintenance agreement, he covers the bills as he did when he was in the home and said we could stay in the house we bought together. I think he preferred that as he left the Forces with a big payout, pension and well paid job and kept all of it.

It’s not realistic for him to pay all the bills

you need to get a view of all assets and work out a way to separate them, which may mean you can’t keep the house (or you might be able to )

what access does he currently have, what are you proposing and what does he want

A lot of solicitors will give basic advice in a free 20 minute session, others will give advice for a small fixed fee so ring a few up. Make sure you have a list of questions you want answering so you get as much information as you can out of those sessions. Collate all relevant information before going such as both wages, any savings or pensions, value of house, mortgage, deeds etc

Start by doing some online research so you understand the basic law and process. Because you were married all assets are jointly owned. That’s really what getting married was all about. The pension isn’t his pension and is your joint pension as a couple. Same thing applies to your pensions.

The divorce process will split the assets up fairly based on your post marital needs. These will boil down to ensuring you and the children are housed. Wherever possible the court will try to create a clean break rather than maintain financial ties. This isn’t always possible leading to Mesher agreements and spousal support. It is always better to go for a clean break if you can. Because it is basically and usually a larger share of the capital.

You are going to have to get a wriggle on, that payout will be eroding. if it hasn’t already.

I appreciate you don’t want to get into debt but you are entitled to a share of his payout, any equity in the home, his savings and his pension. So a lot is at stake for want of not going into debt for a period.

Once you the basics see a solicitor or two to decide who you want to represent you. Then tell him you want to arrange mediation and a CMS claim as a start on the road to divorce and splitting up the marital assets.

If he goes into bully and bluster mode, just remember this process is about you taking your share of assets off him. You are a huge threat and if he has any sense he will climb down his ladder and negotiate. You have everything to gain and he has everything to loose. Tell him straight you are willing to be reasonable but if it goes to court you will ask for everything you are entitled to.

He doesn’t pay all of the bills, I meant he hasn’t stopped paying for the things he used to pay for but I pay for everything to do with the children all the childcare, clothing, food, activities, school trips, upkeep of the house (which needed a lot doing to it), expenses…. I pay the same amount as him but my contributions come out of my account, his are reflected in a joint account. I am their sole carer for necessary reasons. He has a full time, well paid job - double my earnings now. I work part time (4 days) to keep childcare costs down.

Thank you so much! Fear has stopped me doing this but I’m getting the push I needed.

@Mummmyof2
LemonTT suggested doing some research about the process and mediation, so to help you get started on research, here’s some info and links.

It's a lot to take in, but you can come back to it when you are ready, and follow up with your own research.

Look after yourself in the meantime - and in the financial settlement process look after the old(er) woman you will become :)

So,

Some divorcing parties represent themselves (litigants in person) and get legal advice when needed. Others use a solicitor / barrister to represent them.

There are guides to help litigants in person
https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement
There are 2 aspects – divorce and financial settlement.

Financial Settlement
A mediator can help parties agree a financial settlement.
Some cases are not suitable for mediation e.g. domestic abuse, coercive control, bullying etc.
A mediator assesses if the case is suitable first, before agreeing to mediate.

Full and frank disclosure
To know what a fair split of assets is, and to reach a financial settlement, divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.
Full and frank disclosure is therefore needed, and it is a legal requirement.

What does full and frank disclosure look like?
Look at a Form E.
Mediators often ask that parties fill this out, because it lists all the assets to be considered and split.
There's a link to Form E below.

Form E is a long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs.
You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (e.g.the former matrimonial home), pensions, savings, stocks, and shares etc.
It also lists the documents needed that show the value of the assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers).

Form Es are exchanged – both parties fill them out, attach the required documentary evidence and send them to each other - and/or the mediator/solicitor, if used.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1128798/Form_E_0123_save.pdf 

Form D81 can also be used in the process.
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-d81-statement-of-information-for-a-consent-order-in-relation-to-a-financial-remedy

What are the assets worth?
To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents/surveyor, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE/actuary) report and so on.

It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former matrimonial home in some cases.
Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert).
Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

An actuary can do an in-depth report on pension sharing - what capital and income would be if split 50/50 or a percentage of choice.
They can be instructed to factor in retirement ages of the parties.
Joint instructions are given to the actuary, and they walk parties through the process.
An actuarial report can be useful because it shows parties what the incomes would be in retirement.

Who gets what?
When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court must apply a checklist of factors set by statute.
The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973.

These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings, or negotiating your own settlement.
These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will consider when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

Section 25 Factors
https://images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf  

https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is considered.

First consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are considered and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Not getting full and frank disclosure?
It is vital to get all the assets “on the table” so that informed financial decisions can be made, and a fair/just settlement negotiated.
Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged, but in some cases it is not forthcoming.

If after Form E exchange there is missing information / documentary evidence ‘Questionnaires’ may be exchanged to retrieve it – a list of questions and a request for any missing documentary evidence required.

If still missing after that, ‘Deficiencies’ are exchanged – written questions can be asked to clarify matters, and a request for required documentary evidence still missing.

A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve missing financial information / documentary evidence.

A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / documentary evidence / valuations that are missing and essential.

Advice and info
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension

Free advice line (busy so keep trying) https://rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separationwww.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.advicenow.org.uk/divorceandseparationwww.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer 

Pensions on divorce
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htmwww.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htmwww.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on divorce/
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htmwww.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report (actuary)
https://www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
https://www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/
templates for information required.

Mediation
Mediation can be used to reach agreements.
Some cases are not suitable for mediation e.g., domestic abuse/bullying/coercive control.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/mediationresolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/family-mediation" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/mediationresolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/family-mediation/ 

The First Meeting with a Mediator – The MIAM
https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/family-mediation/assessment-meeting-miam/
“The mediator will tell you whether your case is suitable for mediation, and you can decide whether you want to proceed with mediation or explore another option for resolving issues. The mediator can also give you information about other services which provide help and support.”

Legal advice
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
https://www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/
On their FAQs page…
”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”. Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct

Mumsnet suggest https://www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships