Am I being totally stupid - financial settlement

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

My H and I are getting divorced after 3 years separation. We were married for 7 years and have 2 children now aged 9 and 10 (the eldest was born 2 months after we married).

My H owned the property I moved into outright. I contributed approximately £3,000 over the 7 year marriage for new carpets/furnishings and we both contributed to the bills etc during our marriage.

We are/were both low earners (he's a care worker, I'm a part-time waitress, once the DCs were at school).

I left because of his alcohol dependency.

The decree nici has come through but the judge is raising questions regarding the financial settlement. I have always said that I do not want any money from his house as this belonged to him before we were married and I made no financial contribution to the purchase of it.

He pays me £200 per month for the DCs and has always done this. Plus he pays for other extras and his family are generous with the children. In addition he has them every other w/e from friday to monday and whenever I go on holiday (I have a new partner) and from time to time when I ask (he is always happy to have the children).

If I tell the judge that I don't want any money from him/his house will this satisfy the position? The judge has also asked if I have a solicitor which I don't.

[mummmy2017]

But the judge will take into account the fact you have lived, in a nice house for a time, also your husband has not progressed in life, you have not aquired the normal family assets, and since you have lived in the house it becomes the marital home.
This is what the judge is trying to point out to you. .he is trying to protect you and your children..

[Ball00nHead839]

What about entitlement to pension or savings ?
I don't know whether you would be entitled to any of the equity in the house. You need to ask

[Xenia]

She would but may not choose to take it. The starting point in england is 50% of net joint assets even if they were built up before the marriage because housing etc of children has priority over marital fairness etc.

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

So I have taken legal advice and although I could pursue my rights I am not going to - I am seeking some kind of written agreement that my 2 children will have a share of any inheritance from him.

[Xenia]

I support that morally although I know most women on here won't. So when we divorced as I wanted the 59% of our assets my husband got to go to our 5 children i did pay his solicitor's bill for a new will. When he remarried he has told us he has a new will which leaves his money to the children although I would be surprised if his new solicitor would alow him to write his new wife out of his current will although she has another property herself so it is not unfair that she could live in that after he dies ( she lives in his house now). As his family live to 90 he is likely to be alive when most of the rest of us are dead.

however nothing I can do would stop him changing his will at any time.

So my point is that wills are sensbikle and your husband could send you a copy of the new one he makes in favour of the children and perhaps if he has any work life insurance or pension the free trust documents you can get leaving the benefit of the policies to his childlren. However you might instead want to go a step further and perhaps ask him in return for your not claiming say 60 % o f the £800k house value he puts the house now into joint names as tenants in common with the children and until they are 18 with his parents or siblings as the trustees of their shares (i.e. not you as that will go down better with ihm and his family). The risk of that is that if your children marry their spouses can claim some of that share alhough the protection for him is if he marries again his wife cannot claim the share ear marked already for your children.

If the house goves up in value the children may have to pay some capital gain tax on the gain when and if the house is sold but that might well be a price worth paying.

[WhatTheAbsoluteFuck]

Jesus Christ OP

Renting is precarious
Relying on generous ex in laws is fucking ridiculous

I’d be asking for enough money to buy myself a house for me and the DC to live in. Nothing extravagant, around my area I’d need around 200k for a 3 bed terrace.

[hormonesorDHbeingadick]

You need to consider what is best for your children. Your ex is an alcoholic, there maybe a time when he is no longer able to work and you won’t get any child maintenance.

[Sail1ngCraft38]

Share of inheritance

He could live to be 100+

His property/savings could disappear in providing care fees for him

What happens if he remarries & has more children

You should really get a financial settlement now, for use now while your children are children

[bluebluezoo]

Issue is o/p has a new partner and is housed.

800k may not be much, depending on where they live. If london, for example, 400k each might not even get a 1 bed flat in the same area. Plus 2 lots of stamp duty, removal, solicitors etc you could easily only be left with 350k each.

Friend of mine in london moved out. Judge deemed them adequately housed. The ex could only afford to remortgage 10k so that is what friend got. Their share of a 400k house.

You aren’t “entitled” to 50%. It goes on need.

[averythinline]

I think you are being very unfair to your children- you have had one long term relationship breakdown... what if your current one does - on your low income how will you be able to house you and your DC?

You are deliberately making yourself and your DC dependent on your DP....they could be in education etc until 21 .... or are you going to be able to get a better paying job?

this is not about screwing your Ex over it is about what is fair..

do you feel guilty for leaving him/cheat on him or something as you are acting very laissez faire for someone who has 2 young children...

inheritance rights are worth fuck all....

[SavoyCabbage]

If the relationship with your new partner is not successful in the long term, are you going to be able to house and bring up your children on your wages and the £200?

I think it's crucial you think about this. Whether you can support your dc without your new partner.

[mummmy2017]

I do think your being short sighted .
You are writing away your future to keep an alcoholic happy.
There will be holidays you can't afford.
Cars they need and you have to buy a death trap as £200 daddy provides gets nothing...
You will always be renting, when you could have had a home and the freed up money could have enriched your children's childhood, but you were too proud.....

[Palaver1]

It doesn’t matter what we say or think it’s the OPs decisions that matters .I respect that all the best OP

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

Thanks again for all your thoughts and opinions - and good advice. I am doing what I have said as that is what sits morally right with me given all the circumstances.

I know some people here will think I am being foolish and not prioritising my children but I am actually doing the opposite. Thank you Xenia your posts - they have been hugely helpful and I appreciate you giving me advice on both sides of this issue.

I am going to do everything I can to ensure that my children have a share of my husband’s estate and that is all I want. It’s not about what I can get out of him or revenge. That is not me.

[mummmy2017]

You could get this ..
Mesher Orders Explained. A Mesher Order is a Court Order that governs how the family home will be dealt with after divorce. A Mesher Order allows the sale of the family home to be deferred for a certain length of time or until a specific event takes place; such as when the kids leave school.
But ask for it to be for your child's share payable on his del

[YouWhoNeverArrived]

Can you actually get a legally enforceable document stipulating what an ex writes in their Will?! Surely it's up to him who he leaves his assets to? My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage. Their mother made contact incredibly difficult and sadly the children, as they got older, stopped wanting a substantial relationship with him. So he's written them out of his Will and will be leaving everything to me and the children of our marriage. I'm sure his ex wouldn't be happy if she knew, but it's nobody else's business who he leaves his estate to IMHO. (They're divorced and have a clean break settlement.)

Even if your ex agrees to this now, OP, what's to stop him changing his mind if he loses contact with the children, or if he remarries or has more kids?

[Jon65]

A foolish decision for many reasons.

[7yo7yo]

I feel Sorry for your kids.
That’s their future security gone.
Ah well let’s hope
Your morals keep them warm in the future.

[averythinline]

Inheritance is worthless - nothing can make him leave money to DC -
and there may be none..
if hes an alcoholic his chances of dementia etc are much higher so his care costs will be much higher

I hope your guilt or whatever matryr complex is driving your behaviour will enable you to say to your DC yes -I chose not house you and be independent because ?????
I hope you dont have DD .. I dont understand why someone would deliberately make themselves dependent on others

[Verily1]

OMG £800k and you are renting?!?

You were married- what’s mine is yours- he signed up to that!!

[Xenia]

That doesn't mean people have to take what they didn't earn and if money is not really that important morally I don't see why everyone in piling in to say take it for the children. The children could be happy in all kinds of ways. YOu don't need £400k to be happy.

[stucknoue]

Generally marriages under 10 years are dealt with slightly differently with the assets brought to the marriage looked at whereas over 10 years it's more likely to get 50+%

[whirlwinds]

Maybe ask for a settlement that can afford you to buy a 3 bed house for the children to have a secured roof over their head? That can be a lot less than 400k but secure your children in future aspects that are still unknown. Turning down any and all down to morals is understandable but not necessarily the wisest choice. Talk with your ex if there is any ways to work around this and help help secure the children best way possible with two stable homes. IF you do marry again make sure there is a pre-nup that excludes the house being a part of any settlement or that the house falls into any other hands than the children's if something should happen. Hope you figure this out, it's actually not about you at all, it's about the children.

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

I understand the comments about the risk of relying on his will but I was aware of his will before we married which at that point left his house to his 2 children from a previous marriage (and who are grown up now). And I have seen it since we broke up - it has been changed to include our 2 children.

I feel that it isn’t right of me to try to take his property (in which my children have a bedroom each) which he owned outright and in full before he met me to now house myself and my current partner (who is not a low earner).

It is far more important for me to try and maintain a good relationship with my soon to be exH for the sake of our children. They both adore their dad and I don’t want to sabotage that. Why should it be used to house me, my new partner and my children - especially as I am not happy with someone new and we are living in a 3 bedroom house.

I realise that for some people I am foolish but there is more to life than money. I am confident that my H will keep them in his will as he has done with his previous 2 children - despite his faults he is a good man and loves his children. As for meeting someone new and having more children I think that is very unlikely. Was he met me, he didn’t just forget about his other 2 children. In fact far from it, I was always made aware of how important they were/are to him and how the house was for them.

As far as his property being sold to cover say his possible dementia, that is no different to any other person.

I didn’t know that stucknoue - we weren’t married for more than 10 years. I am proposing to tell the Judge that I have had legal advice and I am aware of the situation but that I want to leave things as they are.

Thanks again for your comments, I’m going to say farewell now.

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

Meant to say “especially as I am happy with someone new and we are living in a 3 bedroom house.”

Good suggestion whirlwinds but he needs to consider his other 2 children as well so not really feasible. I know it’s not about me - that’s why I am trying to go down the route I am going - it’s about them in the long run.