Am I being totally stupid - financial settlement

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

My H and I are getting divorced after 3 years separation. We were married for 7 years and have 2 children now aged 9 and 10 (the eldest was born 2 months after we married).

My H owned the property I moved into outright. I contributed approximately £3,000 over the 7 year marriage for new carpets/furnishings and we both contributed to the bills etc during our marriage.

We are/were both low earners (he's a care worker, I'm a part-time waitress, once the DCs were at school).

I left because of his alcohol dependency.

The decree nici has come through but the judge is raising questions regarding the financial settlement. I have always said that I do not want any money from his house as this belonged to him before we were married and I made no financial contribution to the purchase of it.

He pays me £200 per month for the DCs and has always done this. Plus he pays for other extras and his family are generous with the children. In addition he has them every other w/e from friday to monday and whenever I go on holiday (I have a new partner) and from time to time when I ask (he is always happy to have the children).

If I tell the judge that I don't want any money from him/his house will this satisfy the position? The judge has also asked if I have a solicitor which I don't.

[PumpkinPieAlibi]

Good on you OP. You are a very moral person and your children will thank you for your amicable behaviour in this divorce when they are old enough to understand.

You know, if a woman had come into the marriage with a mortgage-free 800k house, everyone would be telling her to secure her assets and that he shouldn't be given anything in the event of a divorce. Granted, the woman would most likely be the one with custody so the man would have less of a claim than OP in that scenario but it is amazing how the advice changes when it comes to assets owned by a man vs a woman on here. It's almost as though a woman's assets are hers but a man's is marital. The fact that the property was inherited makes it even worse as the OP really has not contributed to her ex husband's ownership of that property.

[theroadtohell1]

OP, I agree with you. A positive, amicable relationship with your childrens' father is priceless.

[Rubbinghimsweetly2]

I iike you op. You are a thoroughly decent human being.

[MammaBot211]

My goodness, so will it be right morally when your ex has drunk his way through his estate and left your DC nothing?

You are not putting your DC first because you would not be do naive moving into a rented property with your new partner, when your ex is living in an 800K house, paying only £200 Child Maintenance for 2 kids.

What are you planning on doing if this relationship does not last?

Get your head out of the clouds and put your DC future first, and if your ex is as nice as you state he is, he will understand why you are protecting your kids futures.

[Xenia]

She could also do nothing and not claim anything and then even a judge would not intervene to interfere in decisions freely reached!

[ValleysGirl72]

@Needsomeadviceplease01, I can see where you are coming from, but REALLY think you should revise your decision.

No one knows what the future holds, and your husband has written all four of his children into the will, BUT what if his alcohol dependency increases and due to that, he is unable to work and pay his bills and cm, what happens if he has to sell the house the pay off any debts that he has accumulated? His children will be left with nothing, PLEASE PLEASE reconsider your decision, for the sake of the children

[crimsonlake]

For goodness sake, I am quite alarmed to read this. Get to a solicitor and sort out a fair financial settlement for the sake of your children's future asap. You are being very foolish and naive up until now as you certainly do not know what the future holds.

[Jon65]

'she is free to make any decision she chooses'

Well no, she isn't. Any agreement as part of a divorce has to go before a judge whose main concern is the arrangements regarding the children. Op is being foolhardy at best, and reckless as to future arrangements for the children. At worst she is showing an arrogant disregard for her children's wellbeing and suggesting an unenforceable clause re distribution of assets following ex spouses death will be enough to rely on their future stability.

[Boulezvous]

The judge will rightfully be concerned about the welfare of your children and you having sufficient resources to house them in suitable accommodation. £200 a month is very little and it seems that you are now relying on another man to house you. If that relationship fails what resources will you have to fall back on? Could you and your children be homeless - yes. So you need sound legal advice to ensure you are not disadvantageing your children's future. It might not be half of the house he paid for but it should be more than you are getting.

You can not rely on goodwill gestures. You should look to get a full time job to ensure you can build up some more financial security - if you are so dependent on your partner you are potentially financially insecure.

[hadthesnip2]

I've read many of the posts on here & seeing as the OP has now taken legal advice she is free to make any decision she chooses

My take on it lies somewhere in between. I would say she should get a share of anything made during the period of the marriage. Property may well be worth £800k now but what was it worth when she married & moved in to when she moved out. A proportion of the 7 years she was married may be £100k or so. To me that's fair.

[Mummyshark2018]

Op you're being very naive and unfair to your children. He's living in a house worth 800k (mortgage free) , paying you minimal CM and your children are living in rented. He's the one who needs to look at his morals. His priority should be to be jointly responsible (with you) to provide a stable home for your children. If I were in your position I would be wanting at least 25% of the assets. It may not get you a house but would provide you with financial security for the future. I'm sure the house went up loads in the 10 years you were together. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. What if after the divorce he quits his job, sells the house and lives off his assets. Your dc may not get anything and your cm may stop.

[bengalcat]

I’d still see a solicitor . At least you had the good sense to get married . You’ve gone from one relationship with a homeowner to another - wishing you good luck with your new partner but if it breaks down are you able to afford to rent/buy somewhere for you and your children ? I’ve no idea if it’s possible but you may be able to have a %of his houses equity without , at this moment in time needing or indeed desiring to force a sale . Wills are good but the problem is they can be changed and if your exH to be remarried then that could be a problem / also need to factor in any promises he may have made to his other two children . If you re able to support yourself and your children either in rented or bought accommodation either now or in the future then walking away with ‘ nothing ‘ might make more sense . Obviously having children , working PT etc has also impacted I guess on your future earnings / job prospects and pension when you’re older .

[madcatladyforever]

You can convince the judge. I did. I gave my exH £10,000 instead of 50k and it was queried. The judge was fine with it once he knew it was what we had agreed. Neither of us had solicitors.

[NoCauseRebel]

I can totally see why the OP would take the moral stance tbh. People are very quick to jump to the “make him pay” option but if the situation were the other way around they would be telling the OP to hold on to what is her’s and if he was prepared to forego half the value because it was the OP’s house before she married then she should take it before he changes his mind.

And while people may think that £800k is a lot of money that very much depends on where you live. And what posters are proposing now is that he sells the house and that they both have to buy somewhere else, with stamp duty and associated legal costs etc etc. And it’s a fact that a lot of properties around that price mark are not selling, so what then? They’re both low earners so it’s not as if he’s going to have the money to give her is it?

Where I live £800k will buy you a three bed semi. And the truth is that houses just aren’t selling for that price - I’ve seen a house go on the market near to me which has gone down by £100k in the past year as they’ve dropped the price. And still it isn’t selling.

So the OP could demand anything she liked but if the money isn’t there then the money isn’t there.

[thethoughtfox]

With his alcohol issues, he may be unable to work sooner or later and not be able to keep paying...

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

Meant to say “especially as I am happy with someone new and we are living in a 3 bedroom house.”

Good suggestion whirlwinds but he needs to consider his other 2 children as well so not really feasible. I know it’s not about me - that’s why I am trying to go down the route I am going - it’s about them in the long run.

[Needsomeadviceplease01]

I understand the comments about the risk of relying on his will but I was aware of his will before we married which at that point left his house to his 2 children from a previous marriage (and who are grown up now). And I have seen it since we broke up - it has been changed to include our 2 children.

I feel that it isn’t right of me to try to take his property (in which my children have a bedroom each) which he owned outright and in full before he met me to now house myself and my current partner (who is not a low earner).

It is far more important for me to try and maintain a good relationship with my soon to be exH for the sake of our children. They both adore their dad and I don’t want to sabotage that. Why should it be used to house me, my new partner and my children - especially as I am not happy with someone new and we are living in a 3 bedroom house.

I realise that for some people I am foolish but there is more to life than money. I am confident that my H will keep them in his will as he has done with his previous 2 children - despite his faults he is a good man and loves his children. As for meeting someone new and having more children I think that is very unlikely. Was he met me, he didn’t just forget about his other 2 children. In fact far from it, I was always made aware of how important they were/are to him and how the house was for them.

As far as his property being sold to cover say his possible dementia, that is no different to any other person.

I didn’t know that stucknoue - we weren’t married for more than 10 years. I am proposing to tell the Judge that I have had legal advice and I am aware of the situation but that I want to leave things as they are.

Thanks again for your comments, I’m going to say farewell now.

[whirlwinds]

Maybe ask for a settlement that can afford you to buy a 3 bed house for the children to have a secured roof over their head? That can be a lot less than 400k but secure your children in future aspects that are still unknown. Turning down any and all down to morals is understandable but not necessarily the wisest choice. Talk with your ex if there is any ways to work around this and help help secure the children best way possible with two stable homes. IF you do marry again make sure there is a pre-nup that excludes the house being a part of any settlement or that the house falls into any other hands than the children's if something should happen. Hope you figure this out, it's actually not about you at all, it's about the children.

[stucknoue]

Generally marriages under 10 years are dealt with slightly differently with the assets brought to the marriage looked at whereas over 10 years it's more likely to get 50+%

[Xenia]

That doesn't mean people have to take what they didn't earn and if money is not really that important morally I don't see why everyone in piling in to say take it for the children. The children could be happy in all kinds of ways. YOu don't need £400k to be happy.

[Verily1]

OMG £800k and you are renting?!?

You were married- what’s mine is yours- he signed up to that!!

[averythinline]

Inheritance is worthless - nothing can make him leave money to DC -
and there may be none..
if hes an alcoholic his chances of dementia etc are much higher so his care costs will be much higher

I hope your guilt or whatever matryr complex is driving your behaviour will enable you to say to your DC yes -I chose not house you and be independent because ?????
I hope you dont have DD .. I dont understand why someone would deliberately make themselves dependent on others

[7yo7yo]

I feel Sorry for your kids.
That’s their future security gone.
Ah well let’s hope
Your morals keep them warm in the future.

[Jon65]

A foolish decision for many reasons.

[YouWhoNeverArrived]

Can you actually get a legally enforceable document stipulating what an ex writes in their Will?! Surely it's up to him who he leaves his assets to? My husband has 2 kids from his first marriage. Their mother made contact incredibly difficult and sadly the children, as they got older, stopped wanting a substantial relationship with him. So he's written them out of his Will and will be leaving everything to me and the children of our marriage. I'm sure his ex wouldn't be happy if she knew, but it's nobody else's business who he leaves his estate to IMHO. (They're divorced and have a clean break settlement.)

Even if your ex agrees to this now, OP, what's to stop him changing his mind if he loses contact with the children, or if he remarries or has more kids?