Ex wants annulment several years after divorce - should I be suspicious?

[SansaryaAgain]

Ex-DH and I divorced amicably enough 8 years ago. He remarried some years ago and we lost touch.

He recently contacted me to say his wife is keen for us to "confirm our divorce" with the church, and shortly afterwards I got some paperwork from the church office. I told him I would look at it. I wasn't sure exactly what confirming our divorce involved but figured it couldn't be an annulment as we wouldn't be eligible for one.

However, it is an annulment he's after. He's claiming it on grounds of "severe mutual lack of judgement", which I find odd as we were both adults at the time we married. We drifted apart and realised we'd made a mistake, but I didn't think that was grounds for annulment!

Anyway what I'd really like to know is if we get the annulment, could he use it to argue that, as our marriage is void, the terms of our divorce are invalid and demand back the financial settlement I got? I know there are several solicitors on MN, so am hoping one can answer my question.

[OrlandaFuriosa]

You need to find someone who is an expert in Canon Law. The country’s civil law status is irrelevant, or nearly so.

I’m perplexed as to why he thinks it necessary to quote mutual misjudgment, I didn’t think that was necessary. It used to be that either he never was going to take it seriously, for which he needs proof/ evidence of some sort, that he was incapable of making the decision, ditto, or coercion, as far as i recall. There are prob others eg unrealised cosanguinity.

It sounds as though he is trying a mix of one and two. He can’t claim he was being forced /coerced because that’s one of the first things your PP asks you, or ought to, when you see him. If you didn’t have children and you both took steps to ensure that it didn’t happen, that might be prayed in aid of one.

It sounds as though NW has an uneasy conscience for whatever reason. Were they here I’d also say schooling...because in very oversubscribed parishes it’s not unknown to have a scoring system...

[SansaryaAgain]

The officer from the church tribunal who contacted me is an expert in canon law as she deals solely with annulments. I'm sure she will be able to see through what he's saying.

And if his wife is so Catholic then I find it hypocritical that she's ok with him lying to the church. I really don't think it's a school admission thing as their child is still a baby, and, AFAIK, as long as a child is baptised and a regular churchgoer then parents' marital status doesn't come into it.

To clarify, they are in the uk. It's ex-SiL and BiL who live overseas.

[laudanum]

Tell him to bugger off.

[SansaryaAgain]

That was my first instinct laudanum, til I realised that he can get an annulment regardless of my participation in the process. Which is why I emailed the church officer with my statement.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Does he have form for this sort of twatty behaviour?

[Starlight2345]

I would not want my divorce annulled even though I was married to a complete waste of space it is part of my history.

I would also want to give my version of events.

[SansaryaAgain]

He did have a tendency towards controlling behaviour Rafa, but at the time I couldn't see it.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Sounds like you re doing the utterly right thing in terms of having your say then!

[BelfastBloke]

So you emailed your statement? Did they say if you would hear about any future developments?

[SansaryaAgain]

An update: I emailed the church officer and apparently if I don't agree there was a "mutual lack of judgement" then they can look into pursuing it based on just his lack of judgement. Which I think I'll say to do as I don't really want to get involved. Too many bad memories will get brought up.

She also said whatever happens will have no effect whatsoever on our divorce or the consent order we signed so at least that's something I don't have to worry about.

But isn't it ridiculous that he can get the chance to just rewrite history by claiming he didn't know what he was getting into when we married??

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

But isn't it ridiculous that he can get the chance to just rewrite history by claiming he didn't know what he was getting into when we married??

As long as he pays the cash ...

Honestly. It is just like selling indulgences in essence.

[SansaryaAgain]

Oh yeah, goes without saying that I won't be contributing a penny towards this farce!

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Of course not :). I was actually having a dig at the church (sorry if that is offensive). I was comparing him coughing up the dosh for the annulment (when we all know it is rubbish) with the Church issuing indulgences in the middle-ages - hence Martin Luther and the nailing of the theses to the church door... I'm probably still not clear - it sounds like he is buying the annulment / complicity of the church even if it is bollocks.

[SansaryaAgain]

No it's fine, I knew what you meant and I'm not offended at all. My Catholicism is very lapsed and if he gets away with this it'll lapse even further!

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

Hello OP - been following this post with interest. Is it ok to ask what age your ex was when he experienced this lack of judgement?

[SansaryaAgain]

About 30!

[FizzyGreenWater]

I'd email my ex and say that I'd contacted the Church office as obviously it was my moral duty to let them know that he had no right to speak for me and certainly not to decide that I'd misjudged anything. And that incidentally I found the whole scenario so fascintating - the positively medieval process by which the church could pretend that a real civil marriage with a legal settlement 'never happened' - that I'd agreed to sell my story to a magazine.

[Creature2017]

I had a Catholic annulment but we did not need to involve my ex husband. It sounds like your husband can get one on a similar basis without involving you so that's probably what will happen h ere.

It is very very very cheap, it was hardly anything compared with the cost my civil divorce.

(It has no impact on the English civil law side of divorce by the way).

[StopHammerTime]

I am appalled that your husband is prepared to lie about your marriage, and asks you to do the same, in order for him and his second wife to be permitted to be more involved with the church. Lying seems most un-Christian and that's the foundation they want to build their on. What hypocrites they are.

[Julie8008]

But isn't it ridiculous that he can get the chance to just rewrite history by claiming he didn't know what he was getting into when we married??

That's religion for you, its all about the money, truth doesn't come into it.

[SansaryaAgain]

Well I sent off the email to the church tribunal to say I wanted no part in this charade, although I put it in slightly more tactful terms than that. He is still free to pursue an annulment based on his own lack of judgement (at 30, the poor innocent) but I don't have to do anything. They'll let me know of their decision in due course. I've not heard anything from ex-DH and doubt I will, but if he messages me again then I'll tell him where to go!

[OVienna]

Thanks for updating OP. I'll be interested to hear what happens next. Charade is exactly the right word for this.

[SisterMoonshine]

You did the right thing

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Well done.