Ex wants annulment several years after divorce - should I be suspicious?

[SansaryaAgain]

Ex-DH and I divorced amicably enough 8 years ago. He remarried some years ago and we lost touch.

He recently contacted me to say his wife is keen for us to "confirm our divorce" with the church, and shortly afterwards I got some paperwork from the church office. I told him I would look at it. I wasn't sure exactly what confirming our divorce involved but figured it couldn't be an annulment as we wouldn't be eligible for one.

However, it is an annulment he's after. He's claiming it on grounds of "severe mutual lack of judgement", which I find odd as we were both adults at the time we married. We drifted apart and realised we'd made a mistake, but I didn't think that was grounds for annulment!

Anyway what I'd really like to know is if we get the annulment, could he use it to argue that, as our marriage is void, the terms of our divorce are invalid and demand back the financial settlement I got? I know there are several solicitors on MN, so am hoping one can answer my question.

[MipMipMip]

The link references unchallenged annulments. So you can definitely make it more difficult for him by not agreeing.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

And since he’s kindly decided you were mutually lacking in judgement I don’t see why you shouldn’t point out that you were completely aware of what the sacrement involved.

[ILoveToLaugh]

Lapsed Catholic here who is enraged on your behalf, OP! I'm reckoning she wants to become an Eucharistic minister and as she's (through ex) lying about circumstances she comes across as a complete hypocrite. Irrespective about being lapsed I'd be ringing my parish priest to ask his advice and if he's too busy I'd then be taking it up with the Diocese! Then walk away and forget it - not your circus not your monkeys. I know it's a PITA but why would you let them rewrite history at your expense.

[Julie8008]

Its not really annulment though is it? A priest can't overrule a legal contract in the UK.

All that could happen is that a few priests could decide to turn a blind eye to its own rule to only recognise first marriages. So its entirely possible the ex could grease a few priests plates and get it passed with a nod and a wink.

Doesn't a priest have a duty to ensure people are of sound mind when they are married? And if both of you were of "severe mutual lack of judgement", does that mean he was raping you when you had sex as you would have been unable to give consent!

[SansaryaAgain]

I know it's a PITA but why would you let them rewrite history at your expense.

I think that's what's so galling, that he thinks he can just wipe me out of history and convince himself his current wife is the only one he's had. And he has a nerve to claim our lack of judgement was mutual - who is he to speak for me?

[CharlieSierra]

I think that's what's so galling, that he thinks he can just wipe me out of history and convince himself his current wife is the only one he's had. And he has a nerve to claim our lack of judgement was mutual - who is he to speak for me?

Exactly that, it's deeply offensive and shocking. I would reply saying my judgement was fine thanks and I was fully aware of the meaning and commitment of marriage at the time. The fact that he's willing to rewrite his own history doesn't give him the right to rewrite yours.

[SansaryaAgain]

Its not really annulment though is it? A priest can't overrule a legal contract in the UK.

True, but his wife is a lawyer so I'm wondering if she knows of some sort of loophole. The whole thing about her not being able to take communion doesn't ring true for me. How would a priest know she's married to a divorcé unless she told him. And what are these other church activities that she cannot currently partake in? I don't think she'd leave a legal career for the church and anyway, she's Catholic so the only church career open to her would be a nun and that's obviously not going to happen!

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

I took advice from our local CofE priest when my ex started his shenanigans on this. He advised that it would have no legal standing in the UK and is related to the RC church only. My guess is your ex's new wife told her RC priest a bit like confession- apparently the standard line of the RC church at the time was that people who were divorced and remarried without a religious annulment of their first marriage should 'live together as brother and sister'

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

Otherwise it's 'living in sin' I suppose.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

In my view RC annulment on these grounds is a big cheating get out clause. One of the (several) reasons why I have such little regard for the RC church.

[angstinabaggyjumper]

As a lapsed RC I am appalled at this behaviour if she doesn't want to 'live in sin' she wouldn't have slept with your ex, marriage or no marriage. If communion is so important to her can't she just go to another church where people are less judgemental.
My DM was a practising RC my DF definitely not RC and called himself an agnostic however he got a RC funeral 'for all the years he had taken my mother to church every Sunday.' At my DM's funeral a friend of mine who is not RC took communion there were no Sin police at the altar. Ans that's how it should be IMO.

[Julie8008]

but his wife is a lawyer so I'm wondering if she knows of some sort of loophole

This would be a big caution sign to me, you never know what sneaky thing a lawyer could get up to. Best stay well away, and dont agree to anything without your own legal advice.

[SansaryaAgain]

Best stay well away, and dont agree to anything without your own legal advice.

Yes, I'm speaking to a solicitor. But if I just ignore the case then he can still get the annulment. If I give my side of the story to the church then at least they might see that he's being evasive with the facts.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

It’s still the official line of the church, slightly. In practice I suspect lots of people ignore it. Although a friend of mine was refused communion by our parish priest because his wife is divorced. Not because the priest had a problem with it, but because it was widely known and he felt the rest of the congregation would have an issue with it.

[SansaryaAgain]

Come to think of it, I once knew someone who was into husband no. 3 and she still took communion!

[Blahblahblahzeeblah]

A Catholic annulment is entirely different to a legal one. My MIL has a church annulment but not a legal one. Technically a divorced Catholic who has remarried shouldn't be taking communion etc.

[CharlieSierra]

I knew our parish priest well, he was very kind and dear to me and would call to the house for a chat and was a wonderful support to me when my child was seriously ill. He never offered to give me communion; he did try to initiate the annulment process so we could be 'properly married'.

[YetAnotherSpartacus]

Something in all this is reminding me of the selling of indulgences ...

[Otterseatpuffinsdontthey]

I just keep thinking "Cherry-picking"

[ILoveToLaugh]

I've just found this, OP, read it!

www.asdcengland.org.uk/faqs.html

They ask for witnesses that knew you!!!!

From the sound of it, you do need your right of reply and they are being manipulative. Would it be an idea to ask your solicitor to fill out the forms on your behalf? I know I'd be so incandescent I'd never be able to string a coherent, calm and unemotional sentence together! Don't ignore it and let it go.

[SansaryaAgain]

That link is actually really useful ILove, thanks! I note it says an annulment would have no civil consequences, and I've been reading up about consent orders too, and it's rare they can be overturned. Especially not 8 years later.

I know about the witness thing - that's why he's asked ex-SiL and his brother to do it but they didn't see us together again after our wedding day, so I don't know what they'll be able to testify.

It's medieval really. According to ex-SiL, ex-DH was interrogated about our marriage and I am definitely not going to go through with that.

[ILoveToLaugh]

Would you have to appear in person?! Ex and wife can't seriously expect you to take time out of your day, sit in front of a tribunal (picturing Frs Ted, Dougal and Jack ) and then happily agree that you were more mutually lacking in judgement than he was! I just thought you'd provide a written statement or sworn affidavit. Good luck with whatever action you decide (or not) to take, but make sure that decision sits right with you.

[TheFaerieQueene]

I would be concerned about an ulterior motive here too. If you chose to reply OP, my suggestion would be via a solicitor’s letter, stating your position ( i.e. that you refute his allegation.)

[SansaryaAgain]

I'm not sure solicitors would get involved in religious annulments tbh, just civil ones.

[WestleyAndButtockUp]

Fascinating.