Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

1 2 3 4 5 6

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

Ex wants annulment several years after divorce - should I be suspicious?

149 replies

SansaryaAgain · 10/12/2017 09:42

Ex-DH and I divorced amicably enough 8 years ago. He remarried some years ago and we lost touch.

He recently contacted me to say his wife is keen for us to "confirm our divorce" with the church, and shortly afterwards I got some paperwork from the church office. I told him I would look at it. I wasn't sure exactly what confirming our divorce involved but figured it couldn't be an annulment as we wouldn't be eligible for one.

However, it is an annulment he's after. He's claiming it on grounds of "severe mutual lack of judgement", which I find odd as we were both adults at the time we married. We drifted apart and realised we'd made a mistake, but I didn't think that was grounds for annulment!

Anyway what I'd really like to know is if we get the annulment, could he use it to argue that, as our marriage is void, the terms of our divorce are invalid and demand back the financial settlement I got? I know there are several solicitors on MN, so am hoping one can answer my question.

OP posts:

Report

TheVanguardSix · 10/12/2017 14:43

What???
OP I'm a divorced Catholic (half Jewish too! But baptised/raised in the Catholic faith).
Remarried to a C of E in a registry office. Our (3) kids were all baptised in the Catholic Church. DC1 was baptised when I was a divorced single mum. DC2 was baptised before DH2 and I were married. DC3, baptised. We took communion. DH did not only because he's not religious. Notice the past tense transition?

I didn't even consider annulling my marriage from ex. Never even came up! Our priest knew our history. I was very involved in the church. Kids were altar servers. Went to RC school.

We've left the church and the kids are being raised humanist/Unitarian- even that's lapsed. Sooo... that's for another thread.

Anyway, I take back my advice after reading the whole thread. If I were you, have nothing to do with this. It all sounds like super weird Opus Dei cult Catholicism to me. Or else your ex's wife's priest is a total die hard with zero flexibility or understanding of real life in this day and age. This isn't Ireland circa 1959.

I have no time for the Catholic Church anymore. Again, another thread.

OVienna · 10/12/2017 14:43

Oh and I don't think RC is the Janet of this particular thread.

In any case OP - will you promise to update? !

lapetitesiren · 10/12/2017 14:52

I don't think you should be suspicious. The fact that you are no longer married suggests that something was fundamentally wrong with the relationship. He is now with someone else and is trying to regularise their situation, which may be very important to them. You shouldn't sign a lie but perhaps you would be willing to agree to an application for annulment which more accurately represents past events. It would be kind to consider helping them sort this out. I don't know about the legal side being affected but think it unlikely but CAB or a legal helpline could clarify this for you. Each diocese in the uk has someone to deal with annulments. You could ask about wording and reasoning you would be willing to agree to.

bastardkitty · 10/12/2017 15:00

The circumstances under which you can get an annulment are very specific. Hence ExH wants OP to lie.

CharlieSierra · 10/12/2017 15:34

I don't think you should be suspicious. The fact that you are no longer married suggests that something was fundamentally wrong with the relationship. He is now with someone else and is trying to regularise their situation, which may be very important to them

She might not want her marriage, which both her and her ex entered into willingly and in sound mind, declared null. She might think it invalidates part of her life. It isn't something her ex husband should be able to impose without her consent and she has every right to disagree. If new wife is so devout she shouldn't have married a divorcee.

MinorRSole · 10/12/2017 15:56

Ime most men who apply for an annulment both lie through their teeth and get it. It doesn't matter if you object or not

I've seen it granted to people who were married for 20+ years with several children.

One of many reasons I went from a very active member of the church to berg lapsed

MinorRSole · 10/12/2017 15:59

To add, the most common reason I saw for new wife pushing annulment is so they could get their marriage blessed by the pope

Julie8008 · 10/12/2017 16:23

Let sleeping dogs lie, you will be damned if you do and damned if you don't. Just stay out of this guys life, who you divorced 8 years ago, it has nothing to do with you anymore.

What I dont get is how a god will send you to hell for living with your 2nd wife and kid. But if you sign a bit of paper saying you were temporarily insane when you married your first wife and were really just friends with benefits all those years, then thats fine and welcome to heaven. I dont know how people believe in this stuff.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 10/12/2017 16:24

Reply that he can do what he likes but not to imply that it was your fault and ask hom provide a declaration that this will have no impact on the settlememt agreed by the UK courts.

AnneElliott · 10/12/2017 19:00

Do you have children op? As I understand from DH cousin ( who was a divorcee and had to get his marriage annulled before he could marry in RC church) that the dad had to agree his two children from his first (civil) marriage were illegitimate

This was 20 years ago though. And I think they paid £600 to get it sorted? But couldn't look at him the sane afterwards - I know illegitimacy is no longer a thing, but it just seemed wrong to me.

OVienna · 10/12/2017 19:28

anne my friend in the US avoided the illegitimate designation 40 odd years ago. Interestingly. The process sounds arbitrary to me. I wonder if any are refused. I believed both RC and Moving could be speaking accurately about the process. RC actually went through so edges it as the thread authority.

OVienna · 10/12/2017 19:29

I wonder how many annulment threads MN has had previously... love a good annulment thread!

OVienna · 10/12/2017 19:33

I don't mean the be unkind OP!

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 10/12/2017 19:46

I know through the grapevine of someone who was refused an annulment. No idea how common it is though. I’d assume they do turn a few people down and it probably varies a lot from diocese to diocese.

SansaryaAgain · 10/12/2017 19:56

I don't have children with him AnneElliott although I do have one with my current DP.

I'm really annoyed about the "mutual" bit in the lack of judgement claim. He could be controlling and is still presuming to speak for me!

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 10/12/2017 19:58

He's out of his mind. He's married since, so presumably that marriage would have to be null and void, too. Tell him to sod off.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 10/12/2017 20:08

Sympathies OP, it hits you in the gut to get your vows thrown back at you doesn't it? My exH wrote to me asking if I would agree to support his claim for an annulment about 12 months after our divorce went through 25 years ago. It transpired he had pushed for the divorce on the dot of the 2 year separation point so he could get it done and then become an RC after it went through as it would have been frowned upon if he got divorced afterwards. I'm an atheist though actually I wasn't then, but honestly the hypocrisy really got my goat. I initially agreed to be interviewed about the annulment as I wanted to state exactly why I didn't feel it would be appropriate. Then I realised it wouldn't do me any good psychologically, so I retracted and wrote to him saying why I didn't agree it should be annulled. My guess is it was granted though I never heard about it again. (and I suppose if it went though on the basis that he behaved like a dick then I can't really argue with that) He is still a big fat hypocrite though.

AnneElliott · 10/12/2017 20:12

I wouldn't agree to it in these circumstances op. And his new wife needs to find a new church if they are funny about communion. Our priest doesn't ask about who's married/divorced etc, and are only too pleased to have volunteers help out.

HotelEuphoria · 10/12/2017 20:19

Does she believe her "God" won't know she and/or her DH are lying to the church for her own personal gain? And she's ok with this?

It doesn't sound as though your ex husband is really bothered but more that it is her, I wouldn't do this, just say as a catholic you won't lie to the church. Tough. You are right, she chose a divorced man.

W0rriedMum · 10/12/2017 20:20

I would step away from this and refuse to participate.

Annulments are a throwback to times gone by, and even though I know lots of divorced Catholics, not one has ever got an annulment.

He was an adult marrying you and you both married in good faith - end of story!

CharlieSierra · 10/12/2017 20:26

My exH was previously married in Church and at one time when we used to go regularly and take our children we did talk to the priest about having his previous marriage annulled so that we could be 'properly married'. When I realised what was involved I said no. You can't rewrite history no matter how much you may wish it were different. They agreed to marry, they went to Church and made their vows. There was no way I could in all conscience go to that woman and ask her to say otherwise. It's just wrong.

SansaryaAgain · 10/12/2017 20:42

Ex-SIL suspects his MIL is very traditional and putting pressure on his wife to get this done. But quite frankly they need to stand up to her if that's the case!

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

MipMipMip · 10/12/2017 20:51

From the link a PO gave:

the lack of use of reason proved by medical documents

So it looks like he'd struggle anyway by jot having medical documents. I may be misunderstanding it though as this about the amendments so not sure if this counts using the longer process.

MipMipMip · 10/12/2017 20:53

The link from the PP. www.catholic.com/magazine/online-edition/pope-francis-reforms-annulment-process-9-things-to-know-and-share

SansaryaAgain · 10/12/2017 21:08

One thing that just occurred to me is that I can't really "agree" to an annulment. The decision lies with the church. I can choose to give my side of the story or I can choose to not get involved but it's up to them what that decide.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.