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Desperately need of a friend/help.

88 replies

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 05:36

Hi All

I'm desperate for some support. I don't feel I can cope :(

I've lost the man I love to someone else. We had an 'open' relationship in that we were very much in love and together but saw other people with strict boundaries in place. I know it sounds weird but it worked. We were together for two years.

I have just moved to near London because he works here. I moved here to be with him. We've only been here for three weeks and he's ended it. I'm quite an anxious person anyway so the move and new job was terrifying and now I'm stuck here, all on my own in what can only be described as hell. The depths of despair.

The main contributing factor on his part for the break up is my emotional reactions to stressful situations. For example, he was a guy that never prepared and was always late - my reaction was to rant at him. Once a ranted at him because his car was unclean and untidy. Another time I ranted at him because he hadn't prepared for a presentation. When I say 'ranting', it was things that he deemed to be emotionally abusive. I called him names On a couple of occasions ('you're useless, might as well do it myself' kind of thing) and around ten times during our relationship I ranted. Once, because he is such a bad driver, we had another near miss and I just lost it. He doesn't wear a seatbelt and I was terrified of being in the car with him so I shouted, 'FGS! If you don't get help with your driving I am finishing you!!'

I understand now I may be deemed an abusive woman and I'm doing everything I can do seek help.

Now he hates me. After a blazing row, he left me. I know he has picked up with another woman (one of the casual encounters he had). I found texts from him to her and they were loving and close. She isn't like me at all. She is so different but I guess that is what he wants if I am so bad. Which, looking back I was.

So. In the next couple of days, I will be moving out. I'm finding it difficult to cope. I can barely function. The only thing that's keeping me going is work but that leaves 16 hours left in the day to sit here with this searing pain.

I have no friends here, my family are miles away.

It's 5:25AM. I wake up to the thought of him with her. He's just disregarded me and I can't cope with the thought of her and him together. I just can't. I can't imagine a time when I will go out dating again and I can't ever imagine a time when I will ever be happy again with another man. I just can't. She now has the life I want and, if I think about it, I allowed it. I was active in this due to our relationship type. I encouraged the casual encounter and now it's back fired on me big time.

I hate myself for what I have done and what I caused. I've lost the most important thing in my life and life doesn't seem worth it anymore. My brain keeps throwing up memories of us together. Then I think of them together and I panic and have to try and hold it together. She has my life. I love him so much and can't cope without him. And I threw it away.

Does anyone have any capacity to provide me with any support? I would really appreciate some help. I am very anxious as I have left everything to be here with him and now it's gone. When we first met we came here and everywhere I look there are memories.

Can anyone pull me up? I'm so desperate. Thank you so much Xx

OP posts:
saffronwblue · 08/11/2016 06:00

Hi you are clearly in a lot of pain. You will get through this. The pain will recede and you will feel like yourself again.
It sounds to me as if maybe you were not happy with how the boundaries worked in this relationship. This could have caused your anger and resentment over him being disorganised. Perhaps he was not that perfect and one day you will feel free and happy on your own or with someone more compatible.
Try not to focus on him and the new woman. Think about yourself and what you need to do to get through the next few hours and days. Flowers to you.

Fadingmemory · 08/11/2016 06:06

Notsure, did not want to read and run. Concentrate on just getting through the day somehow.

From what you say, you and he had a toxic relationship in which neither of you either gave or received in emotional terms. You do not lack self awareness and are overwhelmed emotionally. For now, for today, look at what you have - work? Somewhere to live? Are there any colleagues with whom you could have a coffee/lunch just to talk a little, not to expect solutions to your situation or pile on your agony but to begin building a life and friendships for yourself which does not rely totally on one other person.

Exercise can help a little (it will all be little steps just now) - walk or run to work, go to the pool or the gym. A counsellor would listen and aid you in seeing what you can do to help yourself but no one can provide answers on a plate or just take away the distress and emptiness. Begin to fill the void. What interests you? Films? Self defence class? Book club? New skill - snow boarding, gourmet cookery, sky diving? Any possibility of returning to where you lived before? What about your former employer/colleagues, friends, family? Thinking about an ex with someone new is dreadful but try, gradually to add to your life and find distractions. Giving up everything to be with someone may work and if so, fine but perhaps take from this that 'burning your boats' both physically and emotionally in the way you did can at best be unwise.

Are you someone who feels she cannot go through life without a man? If so, perhaps it might be time to ask yourself why. If you have a fulfilling relationship (s) fine but that can be IMVHO very life limiting. MN is open 24/7. Good luck.

myfriendnigel · 08/11/2016 06:11

I'm sorry you are going through this.
It's so hard.The trite thing to say is that time will help.It does, but you can't see that when you are in the middle of it.You have my sympathies.
We all have faults and you are beating yourself up about yours.if you feel concerned about your own behaviour in this then now might be the time to explore your own reactions.It doesn't sound like you were that happy with the unconventional nature of your relationship-whose idea was that?-and maybe you were reacting against that without realising it? Or maybe I'm misreading it.
Either way-try and look after yourself, sleep, try and spend time with your family/friends-why not plan to go and see them at the weekend and allow them to look after you a bit?
Things will get better are in shock now and the first stages of grief.hang in there.

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 07:19

Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the messages.
Drifted off for an hour....woke up thinking everything was OK and then the realisation hit that ive lost everything.
Crying my heart out. Already. Never experienced such pain and loss. I'm in a new job and I don't know how I'm functioning.
Don't know how I can get through the next few seconds, never mind the day.
Weekends without him. On my own. It's expensive to travel. I used to love walking in the winter with him. Christmas without him. He will be having it with her this year.
God I'm so low :(

OP posts:
Elllicam · 08/11/2016 07:27

I don't actually think you sound abusive at all. I think it sounds like he met someone else and wants to excuse his behaviour by heaping all the blame on you. So you mildly told him off 10 times in 2 years, consisting of twice having called him an idiot? He sounds like an idiot not wearing a seatbelt and almost crashing the car. If I were you I would move back home where your family and friends are, you've only lived in London a few weeks and it is an expensive place to live. Good luck Flowers

CaptainM · 08/11/2016 08:08

It sounds to me like you're being too hard on yourself. There's also self-awareness and a willingness to take some responsibility (but please, not all) for the fate of your relationship. I would recommend that you look into some coaching support to help further build your self awareness, but more importantly, to build your confidence and self-love. Take care of yourself and remember that charity begins at home. You'll be fine again. Just recognise that this is a rough patch and you'll come out the other end. Best wishes to you.

myfriendnigel · 08/11/2016 09:36

Can you take some time off? Explain to your answer what has happened...hopefully they will be sympathetic. When is net through a hard situation earlier in the year I had also just started a new job. I dare not say anything but I really struggled to cope and ended up failing my probation. Was the first time in my life is lost a job like that and it made things a lot worse. I wish if piped up as they might have been sympathetic.

myfriendnigel · 08/11/2016 12:13

Can you take some time off? Explain to your answer what has happened...hopefully they will be sympathetic. When is net through a hard situation earlier in the year I had also just started a new job. I dare not say anything but I really struggled to cope and ended up failing my probation. Was the first time in my life is lost a job like that and it made things a lot worse. I wish if piped up as they might have been sympathetic.

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 13:43

Thanks so much for all the support everyone. I desperately need it. I have read every message and everyone of them has helped me.
Sat in a car park. He's called screaming at me. Hates me, wants me out ASAP. I threw the other girl in and he said he was single and can do what he wants.
Not been able to concentrate at work. Been in a constant panic attack. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the next minute, never mind the days and weeks that follow. I keep thinking of them together and every time I do it kills me. And it keeps playing over and over.
I am so grateful for this thread and I am so sorry for how I am :( thank you so much x

OP posts:
notsure132 · 08/11/2016 13:46

He's turned into an evil person. The things he says. She will have his children because I'm incapable, he said. I told him that I was hurting because of the girl and the rows and he told me he would take me to a bridge and push me off if I really was feeling that bad :(

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 08/11/2016 13:56

Op you need to stop answering his calls or listening to him at all for now, and concentrate on calming your self downside you say you are married? Well that gives your some rights.he can't demand that he wants you 'out' of anywhere just like that.
Block his number for now and then I urge you to get some real life help. This is too big to manage on your own.
At least speak to your manager and arrange a day or twos leave.

bluecashmere · 08/11/2016 14:09

I have been where you are: the end of a relationship bringing on panic attacks and an inability to focus on work or anything else except thoughts of him. I blamed myself and my behaviour. I wasn't completely to blame but I did seek professional help to understand my reaction in certain situations and it really helped.

I don't think this was the relationship you thought it was. He sounds like someone you are better off without.

It's debilitating to have someone else and what they are doing on your mind constantly. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to get out of the home you share with him and cut all ties as soon as possible. This will help you move on more than anything else.

Elllicam · 08/11/2016 16:35

He sounds like a complete dick. I would escape him as soon as possible and block all contact. Is there any way you could take some time off and go see your parents?

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 16:57

Thanks so much xx
I can't tell you how much these messages are helping me xx
Last hour at work. Will get 'home' at 6:30 and he will be there. Then I'm going to see a house viewing so may be back around 8pm so not many hours to get through. Seeing therapist this Thursday (text loads today).
Can't believe I've got through the day. He says he is rugby training until 9 but I suspect he will be seeing her instead.
I feel like going on her Facebook and messenger her! I am terrified that I may check her Facebook and see a photo of them together.....that I won't be able to resist looking and then it will break my heart :( will speak to therapist about this.

Will need to say final goodbye tonight (if I can get in straight away to new house I will) or tomorrow. Any thoughts on final words. I've imagined myself screaming at him that he's killed me inside and that I will never forgive him and that he'll take this to the grave!!
However....perhaps a different approach is needed.
Again - oh dear - set me off again thinking of how complete strangers can be so kind. So, thank you xx

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 08/11/2016 17:03

Please don't message her.

I think, for your own safety from him, you need to find somewhere to go. Is there a friend, a colleague, somewhere to stay?

I do hope you are safe and looking after yourself.

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 17:38

Thank you xx
Ok.....Why should I not message her..? Please stop me from making a huge mistake! :( xx

OP posts:
Elllicam · 08/11/2016 17:42

Don't message her. Your best defence here is indifference. This bastard is clearly wanting to upset you, don't let him realise he is getting to you. If you have to speak to him go on about how nice your new house is. Ideally avoid him altogether. Could you get a cheap hotel room overnight? You are doing so well getting a new house and getting to work while he is trying to torment you.

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 18:41

Back home. I'm sat on bed he is now throwing my gym clothes out of the drawer. He's asked when I am viewing flat. I said tonight. He asked when am I moving. I said will try tonight. He's being so nasty. Adopts an evil, growly voice when he talks. I ask him to consider when his anger has work off how he will feel looking back and treating me this way and his response was he doesn't give a (!). I have no idea what's happened. He's an evil man. I still love him and miss him so much. Gonna be a very hard few weeks xx
Trying not to cry but it's so hard. Want to scream and shout and beg him to just sort this out but he won't. So there's no point.
Haven't ever felt this bad before. Made it through the day at work with regular breaks. Boss already knows as told her yesterday so pressure is off there a little.
God help me.

OP posts:
notsure132 · 08/11/2016 18:42

This really helps! Never done anything like this before xx

OP posts:
Fadingmemory · 08/11/2016 19:39

Resist messaging her - it would doubtless enrage them both and you do not need that. Move out asap and do not speak to or message him unless strictly necessary. Terribly hard but you need to protect and nurture yourself and having them both turn on you will not allow you begin to get over him.

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 21:26

Thank you again
Back home and was feeling so positive. Viewed a gorgeous place. The lady was so lovely. There are dogs. It was perfect. I move in in a couple of days.

Now I'm back home and he is being horrible again. Deliberately taking his phone so I can see that he's texting the girl and has just gone outside for a phone call. Assuming that it's her. He's doing it because he either hates me so much or he is pretending to be on the phone just to hurt me.

Have just shut down I guess. I just got in and he started and just felt myself kinda shut down. I just lay on the bed with my eyes closed. He stood over me just staring....changing position....staring.
I know there is two sides to every story but the worst I have ever done is have a go at him. For example, his driving was unsafe and if we almost crashed....which was almost every time we went on a journey. He reminded me that I lectured him after he left his security pass for work on his car seat and he never locked his doors. I let it pass and then started to worry that someone may steal it and then he'd lose his job. Which he would. It's a very serious security pass as it is needed to access systems. So I had to spend a full hour pleading with him to bring the pass inside the house. He said that this was abuse. But it really wasn't. I wasn't shouting. I was frustrated because his attitude towards it was 'whatever'.

Now he's just come back in and sat down. He's suddenly grabbed his phone and gone running out.
Starting to think he likes the drama and is just doing this to provoke a reaction. I won't.

Another thing I have noticed is.....a couple of times tonight he has put his coat on and picked up his keys. He's then gone outside and come back in again. Maybe to provoke a reaction. To make me scared.

He's now sat back watching stuff, laughing and eating. I haven't eaten in days.

Please don't worry about anyone else replying as I just find putting everything on here when needed would be better than completely losing it xx

OP posts:
artiface · 08/11/2016 21:53

It may be that with the driving and the security pass etc he felt bad that he didn't do things right, maybe deep down he feels you are correct but can't cope with not being 'perfect'. Some of us really can't take anything we perceive as criticism, when we don't know how to change
I'm glad you've found a therapist and hopefully they can help you make sense of things

notsure132 · 08/11/2016 22:00

Thank you xx
Maybe you're right. Something is going on. And....lately....he's completely lost it. A complete change. He's an evil man.
So much for shutting down and trying to keep calm. He just announced that he now has to dash out again, clutching his phone. He said he'd go and get me £50 to 'help out' in a really patronising voice.

So I called him a c**k :-/

I expect he's going to throw it at me when he gets back in.

I know because he has this other girl, I am just a huge inconvenience and I disgust him. As they've only been dating a short time, it will all be exciting and giggly for them. And then there's me here, probably not looking my best, tired, rowing....he will see her as an escape. When he texts her, he smiles.

I know I did rant at him sometimes as outlined above, but surely no woman deserves this kind of treatment? Surely, a man couldn't do that in front of his ex's face?! I low can you go?

He is a f c*k!!

OP posts:
notsure132 · 08/11/2016 22:04

Like if I knew my ex loved me and didn't want to break up, I'd handle it as sensitively as possible rather than dating more or less in front of my face and yelling. There would no way I could do that. I have asked and he replies that he doesn't give a damn. Also told me tonight that two new student nurses have joined the hospital he works out of and they're crazy about him. His words. He said he will likely casually date a series of women, including the nurses. He said he has a date with one apparently tomorrow! When I said that I didn't want to know he said he was single and can do what he wants.
Why tell me that? That's just cruel.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 08/11/2016 22:14

Oh, he's expecting you to play the Pick Me dance and you're not cooperating. Well done!

He's definitely upping the nasty stakes and trying to provoke a reaction from you in order to get his own gratification and prove to himself that he's an incredible catch. He's wondering why you're calmly moving out instead of grabbing his ankles and pleading.

Stay strong. Keep your head held high and show him that he's the loser. Not you.

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