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Original poster

How do you cope with family carer breakdown?

29 replies

CornishPastyLover · 24/09/2025 09:52

This is where I feel we are heading.

Mum has advanced Alzheimer's which was very much exacerbated this summer following a fall in her garden. She fractured her neck which required a 3 week stay in hospital. The hospital allowed mum to constantly soil the bed and now that has become her new normal. She has been back home for a few months and she is now double incontinent and soils herself throughout the day, she has very limited mobility and just sits all day in her recliner (I take her in her wheelchair around the village whenever I can but tbh it's not very enjoyable as mum moans the whole time).

I couldn't cope with changing mum's nappies so we now have 2x carers in 3 times a day. The morning carers come to wash and toilet mum. The other carers come in to change mum as she will have inevitably soiled herself. They also come to put her in bed at 7pm.

It is so so sad to see this quick decline. Mum was diagnosed in 2018 but up until the fall she was fairly mobile, I would take her to a day centre 3 times a week (which she loved) and she would happily walk herself in and out there, we would have little walks around our village, dad would take her for drives, she could take herself to and from the toilet with only minimal help. She now sits all day in the recliner, luckily she can still feed herself (sometimes with a little help) but that's about it. She has lost most of her conversation but thankfully is still her lovely smiley self but it's heartbreaking to see. This is now her (and our lives) and it sucks.

Dad absolutely pointblank refuses to consider a live in carer or to see mum placed in a care home. I don't know how much more I can keep doing this though. Last night the morning carer called to say she thinks she has Norovirus and is very unwell with constant vomiting and diarrhoea. Mum was her last visit yesterday before she rushed home and was ill. I am now on anxious tenterhooks fearing mum will come down with it, if she does I truly have no idea how we will cope - I have emetophobia so haven't slept all night stressing over it all.

My sister and I feel we are heading towards carer breakdown, this has been such a long and arduous journey and this summer has felt like one of the final nails in the coffin.

I don't think SS will help as we have had them in 3 times over the last few years and they say they can do nothing as my parents have money.

How the heck do you get through this?

OP posts:
Original poster
CornishPastyLover · 04/10/2025 20:45

unsync · 03/10/2025 11:43

Can she go into respite for a bit @CornishPastyLover to give you all a break? You may find a bit of distance helps everyone put things in perspective. My elderly parent with vascular dementia is currently in respite care whilst I have a break.

My guilt at first was terrible, but now they have settled, I am enjoying a bit of down time and having a much needed rest. Parent meanwhile is having the best time and has told me they might stay there! They are self funding but lack capacity. I have both PoAs. The home itself is lovely and the staff are great. It is run by a not for profit and is just shy of £1400 a week.

I love my parent very much but I too was on my knees. You have to look after yourself and do what is best for your mother. See if you can a bit of respite arranged and go from there.

We have started looking around some local homes with the hope of arranging respite in the next month.

I've just found a not for profit care home which also charges around that price per week, it does look very nice. I'm glad to hear your parent is enjoying it at the home you found, that must take a weight off your mind.

I hope you manage to relax and find some time for yourself too, it really is quite draining, isn't it?

OP posts:
Lindorballs · 04/10/2025 20:57

Your post is heartbreaking and takes me back a very dark place I was in 6 years ago when my siblings and I were in a similar place with my dad with dementia. The issues were different but ultimately boiled down to the same issue of my mum not taking the steps required to get my dad into a care home. I wasn’t providing as much day to day physical support but was being called at work by my mum on a daily basis because of crises at home with my dad and the toll it was taking was awful. In the end I had to take the decision out of my mums hand and called their GP myself and used a variety of what I would call “trigger words” to push my dad right to the top of their list - carer breakdown, safeguarding concern even going as far as threatening to take him to a&e and leave him there (which I would never have done) to prompt the actions that were needed. You may find that your dad needs someone else to do the work for him as he will feel so guilty about it and like he has failed as a partner and husband. I wish you the very best of luck. It is a horrible thing to go through that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Original poster
CornishPastyLover · 04/10/2025 21:11

Lindorballs · 04/10/2025 20:57

Your post is heartbreaking and takes me back a very dark place I was in 6 years ago when my siblings and I were in a similar place with my dad with dementia. The issues were different but ultimately boiled down to the same issue of my mum not taking the steps required to get my dad into a care home. I wasn’t providing as much day to day physical support but was being called at work by my mum on a daily basis because of crises at home with my dad and the toll it was taking was awful. In the end I had to take the decision out of my mums hand and called their GP myself and used a variety of what I would call “trigger words” to push my dad right to the top of their list - carer breakdown, safeguarding concern even going as far as threatening to take him to a&e and leave him there (which I would never have done) to prompt the actions that were needed. You may find that your dad needs someone else to do the work for him as he will feel so guilty about it and like he has failed as a partner and husband. I wish you the very best of luck. It is a horrible thing to go through that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I'm really sorry you have been on this journey too, it really is completely heartbreaking. I'm hoping once mum gets into respite dad will see that a care home may just possibly be the best place for mum right now.

OP posts:
peony89 · 04/10/2025 21:26

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice but it won’t be long until we reach this stage with my mum. She has Lewy Body Dementia. The future seems horrific.

Nothing else to say except you have my empathy and I hope you protect your own well-being as best you can. You matter too.

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