I think it's time mum went into care before this evil disease rips my family apart. How do you cope with the guilt?

[MellowAfternoon]

I was truly hoping mum could stay in the only home she has known throughout her 52 married years but 7 years into her dementia journey things are becoming harder each day.

She's doing well in a lot of ways, she's mainly continent (apart from the odd accident here and there), takes herself to the toilet with a little assistance at times, can feed herself and drink from normal cups etc (she can not make any food or drink for herself though), still knows who we are etc but she is very confused at times. Apart from the two days a week she goes to a day centre (where she does really well) she is just sleeping on/off on the sofa throughout the day.

Tbh, my biggest worry is my 83 year old dad. He is not a natural born carer and very much struggles with his role as carer. I pop in 5 days a week and my sister 3 days. We also have a carer in every morning for an hour to shower and dress mum but it's not enough. The truth is that dad can't cope. I totally understand as mum is basically like a toddler now. This would be hard on the hardiest of carers let alone an elderly man who has never cared for anyone let alone his wife of 50+ years.

My dad will not pay out for any other help, the carer is paid for by mums AA and dad pays for the two days centre sessions but he moans every day about the cost and refuses to pay for anything else (despite having £££££'s in savings).

I think deep down he would like mum in a home and as much as I hate the thought of her in care the truth is I'm struggling to cope with one parent with dementia and another in deep depression as well as trying to deal with my own anxiety/depression/chronic health issues and my own dc and life.

I am currently out of work due to my health issues but will need to return to work soon due to lack of money. I worry how my dad will cope once I am unable to pop in 5 days a week, he struggles now.

But the guilt is overwhelming, I've done all I can over the last 6 years but it's now destroying me (well, all of us). It's not mum's fault, she didn't ask to get this wicked disease and I know she'd love to stay in her home but we have no choice, do we?

Please do not feel guilty.
I have experience of these scenarios, firstly as a retired social worker with elderly and disabled people. It is often the case that going into a residential or nursing home is a very positive step for everyone, including the sufferer. It is important not to regard it as a wholly negative step.
Secondly I had to make the decision for my late DH to go into a nursing home when his neurodegenerative illness meant he could not longer stand and he was very paranoid. Worse still in the end I had to make the decision for him not to be treated further and to allow him to die. I do not feel guilty about any of this. They were the right decisions - hard ones, but right.

StopGo I'm sorry you've been on this journey too.

Iloveeverycat that's really good to know and very reassuring, thanks.

I’m really sorry to read this. My grandma had dementia and I imagine my mum will go the same way, and every chance me too in my time. It’s a heartbreaking disease. My grandma went into a home self funded but she was on her own so no husband to behave like your dad is. I’m sorry he’s making this hard situation even harder.

Thank you ArchMemory Sorry you have this in your family too, it is such an awful disease.