My mum is no longer coping looking after my dad

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello,

My mum is mid 70's and dad mid 80's. My dad has end stage dementia and Alzheimer's. He can walk but very wobbly and can't be left alone.

They have a carer come in during the morning to get dad up/showered etc. But that's it, my mums health is steadily declining and I can tell she's struggling looking after my dad both emotionally and physically.

They are both ill at the moment with chest infections and seem to consistently get ill every few months. Then my sister or myself end up running around getting shopping/sit with dad so my mum can go in doctor appointments etc.

The problem is. I'm a solo parent to a young child. I normally work full time, but was made redundant a few months ago. So I can help out a bit more than normal. But I start a new job again in January, and all my time has to go into proving myself and looking after my child. I am careful with my boundaries because when I'm working I literally have little to no time for myself let alone family.

My mum is very anxious and doesn't like the idea of my dad going into a home. I try and talk to her about it because the situation is now at boiling point. She can't cope. Last night my dad fell out of bed twice, she's ill and not getting any rest. I refuse to take my DD over to their house to look after them as we will just get ill which I want to avoid.

I want to sit down as a family early next year to have difficult conversations which my mum seems to avoid. Yet we end up every few months in these moments where my mum can't cope and then we end up in this circle of madness where everyone is running around trying to help them. It's not working anymore.

I have learnt that the only way to make my mum listen is by pulling back. I put my needs first as I have to look after my daughter.

I'm not sure what the solution is, but this isn't working having my dad at home when he is declining so badly.

I agree with trying to talk to your DSis, but maybe try somewhere neutral.

Your DM might like home cooked food but that's unsustainable. I feel for her as she's got her head so far in the sand I think she's gone blind to the reality of what's happening. I don't know how you would convince her to have a service like Wiltshire Farm Foods though if she's resistant. Maybe suggest she has two meals a week each from them to see if they helps and your DF takes a vitamin supplement on those days?

We had this with my parents, though its my mum who has dementia, my dad has other care needs due to physical disabilities. If the local authority is paying for 1 care visit at the moment, contact their social worker and ask for it to be reviewed as your dads needs have increased. You can request to attend the meeting if you are able to. Also put in writing what the increased needs are (in their assessment they are looking at care needs, so incontinence etc becomes relevant) I'm sorry OP but I think your mum is minimising to the social worker and making out you and your sister are doing it all. Ring the social worker and state clearly that you are not. The care visits can be increased to up to 4 times a day and most local authorities won't look at care homes until this threshold has been reached.

My mum moved into a home in September after she repeatedly threatened to stab my dad, added to the numerous safeguarding referrals by the carers as she was becoming increasingly not able to engage in normal activity. My dad misses her and immediately tried to substitute my sister, but she created a boundary of visiting once a week and stuck to it. I live further away and can only visit monthly.
You HAVE to make contact with the professionals and make sure they are receiving the care package that meets their needs without family involvement in the 'care' part. We still have to carry the weight of 'life admin' stuff as my dad is also profoundly deaf and can't/won't engage in anything online.
Food wise, there's a number of companies which do ready meals or local authorities do 'meals at home/meals on wheels' which are delivered and is another person 'popping in'
Step back and become their daughter again, not their carer x

My sister is in denial to be honest as well. She's very against putting my dad in care and is a bit unreasonable at times. Over the summer they were both ill again, chest infections and my dad was hospitalised. I ended up taking my mum to A&E as she wasn't well either. Then a few days later she started spending full days day next to my dad while he slept all day long. She has anxiety/depression and attachment issues. It's very sad. She's always been like this, but it's steadily got worse.

I visited my dad as much as I possibly could, but obviously I have no one to look after my DD. She's too young to be allowed into the wards. So obviously I always need someone to look after her. One day my sister insisted I visit my dad. I had no one to look after my DD and explained that to her, she sort of insinuated that I just leave my DD somewhere in the hospital on her own whilst I go visit my dad. After that I pretty much stopped talking to my sister because she wasn't making anymore sense. She is married and has a much older child who can be left alone.

Where does your sister live? Sorry if I've missed that. If she is against him going into care then all crisis should be referred to her.

She lives opposite my parents. a 10 second walk!

Given where you both live, then I think its even more likely either your mum, dad or sister has led the social worker/local authority to believe everything is working fine. My dad did this, care assessment came back that he had no care needs as according to him my mum did everything for him... I sat on the phone to social worker and explained my mum wasn't and we couldn't. Unfortunately older people will often decide they don't 'want or need' extra help because their children are filling in the gaps. Your sister can do what she likes, you don't have to match her, you have other responsibilities.

That must be really tough if your DSis is in so much denial too.

You definitely don't have to match everything she does.

In that case any issues that crop up just refer them to your sister and don't get involved. I know that is hard but often the only way.

Just wanted to say good luck with the new job @Cherryblossom200

Thank you ☺️ I feel very lucky to have found something!

But feel guilt not being around to help x

You have to work though to provide for yourself and your DD. Nobody should expect anything different

How's the new job going @Cherryblossom200?

Good thanks!! Enjoying it so far, but being in the office full time at the moment is hard going. But will be down to two days in just over two weeks.

So glad that you're enjoying it. I can imagine being in the Office full-time is hard. How's your DD coping?

She's doing ok, bless her. But by the weekend she exhausted. Add on she lost her beloved cat on the first week I started work, it was all a bit much for both of us. But she's getting new kittens so it's something to look forward to ❤️

Losing a DCat is always tough, especially when you've both got other thing to feel with

How's your dM coping now? Are they still teetering on the edge of disaster but with your DM's head stuck firmly in the sand?

Another "how are you doing" @Cherryblossom200?

I can remover how utterly overwhelming those days were before we got proper care in place

It's not always that easy to get care home places in some areas of the country , unless you can self fund . I would see about allowances ,a cleaner , online shopping delivery , a dog walker. See if there are any charities that could help , you have to put your foot down about them accepting extra help & I say that knowing when my time comes I won't like it either .

They get allowances.
They're not, as is so often the case, spending them.
PIL were like this claiming their non means tested state benefits. Run SIL ragged and had assets of £1 million when they died.

I'm doing ok thanks, with working 5 days in the office everyone can see I can't do anything to help at the moment. I'm shattered after getting home, cooking and then bed early! Weekends are for catching up.

My dad keeps falling a lot, so I'm sure at some stage it'll get out of hand to the point he will need a lot more additional care. Right now my mum is coping ok, but then if he gets ill (which happens all the time) then everything goes crazy. And I'm just no able to help.

Sadly it looks as if your DM isn't going to accept paid for help and it's going to end in a crises.

I'm going to be having a similar conversation with my DFIL tomorrow about how not accepting help is only going to end one way...