Advice on adult social care referral for neglect.

[summerlovingvibes]

Please no harsh or unhelpful comments, I am posting for genuine advice and all opinions will be considered.

FIL has dementia and early on-set Alzheimer's. Diagnosed about 5 years ago but we noticed things for a while before. Currently aged 61. Lives alone in a town about 30 mins from us as 40 mins from my husband's sister.

My husband and his sister have both POA's. They both visit weekly. FIL has a carer which is paid for privately and they visit daily in the week. Previous social care assessment FIL didn't meet criteria so husband and SIL found this carer. No idea if any qualifications, more a cleaner / helper / helps with shopping and walks etc.

FIL wants to remain in his house as long as possible. Needs help with pretty much everything now - can't get dressed himself, can't cook, can't effectively wash himself. Has burnt himself before - not sure how as no-one was here. Cooker maybe? Has been found wandering several times. Been pickled up by police a few times as lost. Knows who we are --- I think.

Basically I am concerned that FIL
isn't getting enough care and support. Lady that visits is nice, in regular contact etc but I have approached the idea of getting additional care a few times - perhaps weekend cover (currently it is one of us that visit to make a meal & give medication). When carer is off (at weekends or for week or two holiday) FIL won't wash with us. Sometimes smells, not sure if continence is starting to be an issue. Sleeps in clothes, sleeps on sofa as can't work out bed sheets. All meals now ready meals as that is what husband and SIL buy. Lots of things that concern me but perhaps too long to list here. I am in care profession myself.

Husband won't listen to my suggestions, thinks "they are handling things fine". Would I be totally out of order to raise a safeguarding concern to S.S. myself (without giving details) in the hopes it is followed up and prompts SIL and husband to sort out more care?

Tonight's post is coming off the back of a call from a neighbour about FIL wondering again and nearly getting knocked down by a bike outside his home.

Just not sure where to turn really.

@PolaroidPrincess how do you hold of these booklets though? Would it be through social care ?

@readysteadynono my thoughts exactly but sadly not the thoughts of my husband as FIL wants to stay at home as long as possible so DH therefore wants to respect that wish and hence the situation we are in.

If it was my parent I would be doing things very differently but it's difficult in this situation - I can't obviously move FIL to a care home without my DH and SIL being on board.

Therefore if S.S. are involved and make suggestions they may be more open to the idea if "authority" is assisting with care.

My own FIL has dementia, too, and my husband still struggles with denial.

He tries to find something/someone to blame, but obviously he can't.

Here's the link to This Is Me.

For the Herbert Protocol you'd need to Google the name of his local Police Authority and Herbert Protocol . So for example if you Google "Surrey Police Herbert Protocol" it brings up this page

That's exactly the situation I was in too

I'm sorry OP to go against the grain here but this may cause irreparable damage to your marriage.
Even if you refer anonymously that means you will need to keep this fact a secret from your DH. So in a week say, he comes home and says " omg someone reported us to SS, who would do that?" What are you going to say ? Will you lie and deny it ? Will you admit it? This goes well beyond the point of making the phone call. How long will you maintain a lie? Are you comfortable with keeping this secret from DH for years?

The right thing to do is to tell your DH that you want to refer to SS, that you love him and you know it's hard for him to see FIL decline but it's not working so either he does or you will. Something like that. But be careful about going behind his back here.

I think you're absolutely right @Andwegoroundagain

That kind of secret could be corrosive to your marriage.

@PolaroidPrincess thank you for this. Will look at / sort x

@Andwegoroundagain thank you for your advice. You're right, I do need to think about the long term and will have a think about this.

Not that it should make any difference but it probably does - religion is heavily involved in my marriage and although we are of the same faith, my DH is definitely less flexible. This impacts on how our relationship is with regards to him acknowledging and respecting my words, and so this layer makes it harder for me to speak freely and to have any say in family decisions.

This isn't being said to get into discussion about my relationship / faith right now, but just helping to put it into perspective the reasoning for me not being able to discuss it further with him. It was an arranged marriage, and I would feel ok with keeping this a secret if it meant that FIL gets the care he needs. There wouldn't be much love lost, and it's not a marriage that will ever end.

OP I have no specific advice but just want to say I admire you hugely for the interest you and care you are showing about this situation. Especially so when your stance is actually working against your own interests. That you are this invested and thoughtful whilst in the throes of having 3 very young children speaks volumes about your character, I hope your husband knows how lucky he is to have you..

YANBU. He needs round-the-clock care. Day, night and weekends. He isn't getting that so that should be sorted out.

The carer is doing her job when she is working so she isn't the problem.

@theleafandnotthetree thank you, that is a very lovely thing to say. I like to think that I am a caring and kind person, but it's difficult to hold on to that sometimes in this situation.

I think when they're not safe in their own home as sounds the case here then it's time to act in their best interests to try and change things You're doing the right thing but I would keep chipping away at your DH and SIL. Do they really want to risk the knock at the door one day to tell them the house has burnt down?

You are being caring and kind ! And given your updates ... is it worth speaking with SIL instead ? Would she perhaps be an ally, recognising that it may not be sustainable to stick with status quo.
I also wonder if there's a cultural thing at play ? Is it possible DH and SIL feel ashamed that they get external help rather than provide the family support FIL needs ? That they haven't been able to sort it themselves, maybe helping them to come to terms with this is addressing his needs rather than a failure of theirs? I don't know ... just guessing out load