Early stages - accused of taking money

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my mum has been diagnosed with both vascular & alzheimers. I’m her nearest child, my sibling lives 5hrs away. She used to live 45 mins from me but we’ve moved her to an assisted living place 10 mins from me. I’m aware moving her wasn’t ideal however she had no support where she was, was struggling to cope in her house and we felt it was the best option. She’s said she has no regrets.

anyway, I’m really struggling, mainly with the changes in her, the aggressiveness towards me and the confusion. . It’s bloody hard as you all know.

A few days ago we were sorting through her handbag together. I found a stash of notes, she said she didn’t know she had them. We put them in 2 purses she carries round, all good. A couple of days later she messaged me asking for her money that I had taken., id taken nothing. We went back and forth in text with me asking if she’d looked in the purses, in her handbag, had she moved it somewhere else.
her replies were confused and went from the purses weren’t in her bag, the money wasn’t in the purses and I had taken it the other day.

I drive round but whilst I was on my way she text saying she’d found it in the purses that were in her bag and that she hadn’t looked in the bag before!
she accused me of taking her money and as far as I can make out hadn’t even looked.

Im aware this can be a thing with dementia however I’m really worried that if she starts this regularly then where is it going to end and do I need to protect myself or how do I protect myself?
I also have full POA so I have access to everything!

Please don't take it personally. My grandma with Alzheimer's went through a paranoid, angry stage when she was still living on her own, but struggling. In her case, she thought her neighbours were stealing her washing and "banging on pipes" to annoy her. She once slapped a neighbour's face and on another occasion, she swore at a passer-by who was kindly trying to return a duster that Grandma had accidentally dropped out of her window onto the pavement. The passer-by was trying to steal the duster, apparently.

Whilst we seemed to escape the accusations of stealing, I had a quite a hurtful letter from Grandma once. The day before, I'd seen her in passing, but hadn't had time to stop and chat as I usually would. She wrote, "I realise that you do not want to know me now that I am disabled". I was quite shocked and puzzled by this, but my mum told me to take no notice. A few weeks' later, I brought her shopping round and afterwards, she sent me a nice letter, full of praise, saying that I'd made her day!

It isn't a reflection on you. And this stage should pass. Grandma, who'd been enjoying day activities at a nice care home, was finally persuaded to move in there. Almost immediately, she went back to being the gentle, smiling Grandma I remembered, (albeit much less capable).

When helping someone with their money, my advice is to have a witness whenever possible. Also, keep the receipts and/or a note of the transaction.

How do you not let it affect you? Thats what Im really struggling with. It makes me feel really unwell. Ive had a headache for days from the stress. A couple of days ago she also called my brother and told him that his sister (me) is stealing and that Ive put her bank account into my name.
He was going to go round to help her look at the figures in her account but then she found out he had spoken to me and she turned on him.
I called this morning and she was cold as ice towards me after being very nice at a family party a couple of days ago. She was on her way out to couldnt talk. It just leaves me feeling so sad and stressed. Im dreading her coming over on Boxing Day as dont know what she will be like.

Yes we have this. I've actually had to distance myself from mum as she has a lot of MH issues on top and was abusive to me in childhood so I simply cannot be a carer for her. But as a result, I'm not POA and she sacks every cleaner or carer she gets because she believes they steal from her or are trying to poison her. Until it progresses more, the state won't dictate that she can't decide for herself and so it goes on, bonkers.

@Infracat sorry you are also going through this

The last Christmas I had with my DF he thought the same, and had decided my DH was in on it too.

All you can do is ignore the accusations and distract them. There is no point trying to reason.

If you can get family who aren't being accused to distract them as much as possible. It's not you, it's not personal, and try not let it get to you. It's just the way their poor confused minds work. Easier said than done. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.

I agree, it's not your DM talking it's the Dementia and you can't reason with that.

The brain will make up little scenarios to explain gaps. She thought she had some money but can't temper where it went? This is happening regularly? It's easier for the brain to say it's someone else's fault and it sounds like that is what's happening.

As the PP said, try not to take it personally although it can be hard and distraction is your friend in situations like this. I would just say to DMIL that I'd sort it out for her and then distract her with something else. Luckily she was very easily distracted.

If you're feeling that stressed have you spoken to your GP and are you in touch with your local Carer's Hub?

You can always talk to the Admiral Nurses too