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Dementia and Alzheimer's

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Original poster

Does anyone put their LO in respite care?

43 replies

Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 15:30

My 80 year old mum has Alzheimer’s. She lives with my 82 year old dad.
They have a carer in every morning for an hour or so to shower mum and get her dressed.

Apart from that we (dad, my sister and myself) manage between us. I pop in approx 5 days a week, my sister 2/3 times.

Dad is starting to get quite stressed with it all and is struggling. Mum has become like a petulant toddler at times, will often argue with him (she always does exactly what the carer asks of her though!) and he can not handle it. Ideally he’d want me to give up my job and care for mum all the time but I don’t want to give up my life tbh (I have a dh, 2 teens, a dog and just started my own self employed work. I also struggle with my own chronic health issues).

I have suggested that we look into some respite care for mum, to give him a break. He is a bit hesitant about this but I think it would do them both some good.
I am thinking of ringing around some local care homes in the new year to find out some more info on this.

Has anyone tried this? How does it work? Is it a weekend thing, can you choose the days and can you do this throughout the year?

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:14

rookiemere · 27/12/2023 16:08

What would happen if/when you were to go on holiday?

At this point I think you either have to engineer a scenario where you don't visit 5 days a week, or wait for an inevitable actual crisis where you are unwell or have to prioritise your DCs or DH.

If I go away my sister does more.
Both my dsis and I have our own health issues. I have endometriosis and digestive issues most days, my sister has parathyroid disease and is on a long waiting list for surgery. My dad doesn’t appear to be too concerned with our issues though tbh.

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Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 16:17

HappyHamsters ilovesooty I’ve contacted them all. We’ve had ss round but they can’t help as my parents have too much money.

LINDAHOAD that’s what I am hoping so dad can then take a step back and see just how much it helps them both. It’s trying to persuade him, that’s the issue we face.

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HappyHamsters · 27/12/2023 16:22

Everyone is entitled to a free care needs assessment, if you do find a respite place the staff will want mum to visit first to assess her needs to make sure its the right place for her and also need financial confirmation, where I live most only offer 1 month minimum respite which is a minimum 5k, attendance and pension may go towards the cost and you should claim carers allowance, adult social services safeguarding deal with all forms of abuse.

ilovesooty · 27/12/2023 16:22

@Picklemeyellow would SS not be interested in your mother being at risk of abuse, regardless of the financial situation? Your father sounds like a bully quite frankly.

CKL987 · 27/12/2023 16:22

If you haven't already then I'd suggest getting in touch with social services to see what they can offer. My Dad also had an Admiral nurse who recommended things, do you have one of those you could ask? From memory I think it should be possible to get some free respite but ss and the admiral nurse would be the people to answer these questions.

unsync · 27/12/2023 16:31

Does your mother get Attendance Allowance? Higher rate is just over £100 per week which could help with paying for day centre respite.

If you and your sister have PoA you can override your father to act in your mother's best interests. As Attorneys, you should have your own cards etc for her bank account to make any payments as needed.

Can I recommend you join the Mobilise and Carents FB groups. The latter is specifically for people looking after parents, whilst the former is for all unpaid carers. Both are very good for support, advice, etc.

notfeeblebutPhoebe · 27/12/2023 17:10

We wanted a holiday which would take us a long way away from FIL. We persuaded him to go in a care home for three weeks to cover that. We also said to look on it as a trial on how things might be in the long term at some later stage.
He stayed on for over two years. Us being away made him think; really think about the future. Luckily for us it worked.

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 19:35

HappyHamsters · 27/12/2023 16:22

Everyone is entitled to a free care needs assessment, if you do find a respite place the staff will want mum to visit first to assess her needs to make sure its the right place for her and also need financial confirmation, where I live most only offer 1 month minimum respite which is a minimum 5k, attendance and pension may go towards the cost and you should claim carers allowance, adult social services safeguarding deal with all forms of abuse.

Thanks for that

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Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 19:39

CKL987 I have contacted the admiral nurses in the past and not had much luck but I’ll ring them again next week and see what advice they offer.

notfeeblebutPhoebe this is the sort of scenario I am hoping may work out for us too.

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Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 27/12/2023 19:42

unsync · 27/12/2023 16:31

Does your mother get Attendance Allowance? Higher rate is just over £100 per week which could help with paying for day centre respite.

If you and your sister have PoA you can override your father to act in your mother's best interests. As Attorneys, you should have your own cards etc for her bank account to make any payments as needed.

Can I recommend you join the Mobilise and Carents FB groups. The latter is specifically for people looking after parents, whilst the former is for all unpaid carers. Both are very good for support, advice, etc.

Thank you unsync mum does receive AA and it pays for the carer who comes in the mornings.
I will join that FB group, thanks.

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tobyj · 28/12/2023 00:00

My FIL has done a few separate respite weeks in a very nice care home over the last year. He has dementia and MIL is struggling to cope. He doesn't love the respite weeks, but he's OK with them. I think having those breaks has helped MIL to continue having him at home this long. Someone said to me on MN that if you do one respite week, then the relief for the carer is likely to make them want increasing amounts of respite, and that's certainly true in MIL's case (and I totally understand that). In your case, it sounds like that might be quite a good outcome, if it got your father in the habit of paying for more care?

In terms of practicalities, most homes will say on their website whether they offer respite care. Would your dad pay for it though? The home my FIL goes to charges over two grand a week for respite care.

wildwestpioneer · 28/12/2023 05:39

Speak to ss, my mum went into an nhs care home as she got too much for my dad to look after. It's rare to get this via the nhs but it is possible

LittleMissSleepyUK · 28/12/2023 05:53

I work with people with dementia and their families

Keep telling him how worried you are about HIM, and if HE got sick he wouldn’t be able to care for your mum like he is now. You’re concerned about him and think for HIS sake your mum should go to the day centre more. It might take a few attempts but it does work. Just keep talking about his wellbeing and your concern for him. It especially makes selfish people cave in.

Nottogetapenny · 28/12/2023 07:41

My sister and I were the main carers for our mum for many years!
As her Alzheimer’s progressed it did get harder and harder for us and for her.
In the last 18 month, of her life, we arranged respite care. A week a month in a lovely care home. Because she was self funding we were lucky to have a say when and where she could go. It helped us, as it gave my sister and I a break, and we could ‘charge our batteries’ for the next 3 weeks!
The last 6 months of her life, we couldn’t cope at home as her needs got too hard to manage, she couldn’t walk, eating was a problem and lots of other issue. She was able to go into the care home, where she had been for respite as they had a nursing care unit.

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 29/12/2023 09:44

Thanks for the advice everyone.

I’ve rung SS and left a message hopefully we can arrange for a meeting to see if they can offer any help now mum is further along with the disease.

I’ve also researched a few local care homes who offer respite and will contact them next week.

I hate this disease and wouldn’t wish this life on anyone, it’s so cruel and wicked, it takes everything from everyone involved. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing at night.

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teaandcake123 · 29/12/2023 19:43

@Picklemeyellow have you tried applying for continuing healthcare funding to meet your mum’s needs? Google it for your local area

Original poster
Picklemeyellow · 29/12/2023 20:10

Thank you teaandcake123 I’ve not come across that, I will look into it.

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Nottogetapenny · 29/12/2023 22:02

It is very hard to get continuing healthcare funding. Alzheimer’s is the most awful diseases, a person with Alzheimer’s is classed as social care needs, not nursing care needs and continuing healthcare funding is only for nursing needs not social needs! They are almost at the end of life before they can receive it, when they need nursing care.

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