My lovely 80 year old dm lives with my 81 year old dd. Dm was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s around 5 years ago.
My dsis and I both live in the same village and help out as much as possible.
I go in approx 5 days a week and help with as much as I can (and when I am not at theirs I am constantly worrying about them).
Obviously, things weren’t too bad at the beginning but over time the stress of helping mum all of the time is taking its toll on my dad (he is not a naturally born caring type). He is angry and resentful which I understand, he can be quite mean spirited to my mum at times but he is so headstrong and fickle and chnages his mind over things regularly (like getting in help etc) which causes my dsis and I one hell of a lot of stress and anxiety (which he seems oblivious to).
Between us we help out a lot.
A year ago I arranged for a carer to come in to help. Initially for an hour a week to get a foot in the door so to speak and with the hope of upping it from there depending on mums needs at the time but dad won’t increase it. The carer just draws and paints with mum for that hour. In the meantime dad is moaning that every morning mum is struggling to dress and wash herself. This is true. I found her the other morning with toothpaste all over her face whilst trying to shave herself with a toothbrush 😢
He just will not increase the carers hours but instead moans that his life is over and he can not cope and that she will need to go into a home soon (mum is in the late early stages it seems a shame to put her in a home so early on when carers could help)
Money isn’t the problem as they have absolutely loads I think it’s just the idea of giving into the disease and admitting it’s defeating him.
I also had arranged for mum to visit a day centre once a week to give dad a break but after a year he cancelled it because mum obviously would get confused each week, saying she had never been before and hated it. She didn’t, she loved it. I would take her and collect her, she always had a smile on her face when I picked her up and would chat about all she had done there but obviously as with the disease, she would forget everything half an hour later.
I am just as overwhelmed by it all as my dad is. I honestly don’t know what to do to help them anymore.
Yesterday, my dsis and I said we would contact another carer company (which has been recommended to us) and ask them to come in every morning to help mum wash and dress her which would give dad an hour or so to get himself ready for the day. We said we would also take her back to the day centre to give him a break every week.
Dad has terribly high blood pressure which medication isn’t helping and I worry so much for his health too.
It is causing all sorts of anxiety and health issues for myself and dsis which dad is obviously unaware of. It’s affecting my home life as well as dh and I row a lot about how much I help my parents whilst they have a huge amount of money in the bank doing nothing to help.
Until this disease hit our family I truly did not realise what a truly wicked disease it is and how it affects so many aspects of everyone’s lives. My heart goes out to anyone fighting dementia or having to watch their LO’s battling this awful thing.
Is anyone else in a similar position to me? How do you cope with all of this stress? There never seems any light at the end of the tunnel.