Awful sadness about care home decision

[Qwenzo]

So my mum moved into a care home this week and I feel very sad about it.

My hand was forced as I don’t have poa for health and welfare and she was so risky (dementia causing her to be going out without knowing where she was going or how she was getting back, severe malnutrition despite me going once a day and making food, near blindness, badly controlled diabetes etc) that the social worker insisted I put her in a care home or they’d take matters into their own hands. This way I got to choose the care home and I chose a lovely place I have extensive experience of and I’m comfortable with her being there as I know how well they treat residents.

I agree with the decision - she wasn’t coping at home and I felt I’d find her dead every day. But I know how much she didn’t want to go into a home and we only managed to get her there by telling her it was a choice between hospital or ‘convalescent care’ until she was built up a bit more.

I spoke to her earlier and she was begging to go home. I feel so sad she wasn’t able to stay, she has been in the house for 50years and loved it. I did try to keep her at home and only made the decision for a care home after I was forced to do it (for all the right reasons).

I just feel terrible. Her dementia is all about very short term memory loss so she can actually have a reasonable conversation with me. I’m sure she knows it’s a care home and is terribly sad. Made worse by the fact I can’t visit her due to covid.

If it helps at all, after going through it all myself, I've told my son that if I'm giving him my instruction now while I have full capacity, that if I develop dementia he is to find me a nice home. That i trust him to make the right decision. He is not to be swayed by my views on this at the time if i don't want to, as i wont have capacity to make the choice.

Yes I also told white lies and have always called it a convalescence home. He would sometimes ask when he was getting out and I would say, once his medication was sorted and the doctors were happy.
With dementia it is only in the moment. The things that are said are not remembered. You just have to calm them down and make them feel better. Then changing the subject in a dramatic way that mirrors them as they used to be). My dad hated people dropping litter. So typical carehome conversation....
Dad: When am I getting out of here?
Me: I spoke to doctor and he wants to make sure your new medicine is ok... OMG guess what I saw on my way here. Someone FLYTIPPING! Can you believe the cheek of people?!?! Then I would just keep chatting about things to keep him interested.
It kind of refocuses the brain.
I think it must be so hard to deal with this with the Covid restrictions. It is probably harder for her to settle for the same reason. Also with the history you and your mum have. With my hand on heart I can truly say that my dad's dementia brought us closer. I had just an ok relationship. There was a lot of resentment on my side especially after my mum died. He was not a warm loving man towards me in the way I thought a dad should be. He was generous and would DO things but I never heard him say he loved me. He never seemed proud of me. Dementia is such a challenging illness. I got support from talking to other relatives and the carers. Also the Dementia UK forum. I read novels and books about dementia. I lived and breathed it. I began to see how vulnerable my dad was. One day I realised that I had begun to love him in a nurturing way. We still had challenging visits but also some lovely moments. However my visits were sitting in his room drinking tea not talking through barriers. I really feel for you in these circumstances.

Also...there are some YouTube videos by Teepa Snow. She gives great dementia advice. She is an OT who trains carers.

How is she when you're not there? When my Mothers mother went into a home, she complained endlessly. However, she settled very quickly and enjoyed it. When my mother went to visit her every other day she moaned and complained and said it was terrible and that my mother had ruined her life. When my uncle, the golden child, went the other days, she said she loved it and was very happy.
She is just guilt tripping you and her behaviour towards you sounds awful. If I were you I'd step away for a long bit. You shouldn't ruin your own mental health when you are doing the best for her. Stop feeling guilty, you've done what was needed.
She has used guilt to control you all your life, while she has been awful. That's an awful thing to do to someone. You need to free yourself of this and listen to your counsellor. Lots of luck OP. I'm another who ends up bearing the brunt through guilt so I know how difficult it is.

I was my grandmothers next of kin and she went through all this when she went to a care home. She was in danger at home and was miserable, depressed and with constant headaches. She thrived in the care home, and I'm so pleased that she spent the last years of her life happy, with plenty of company, good food and being well looked after.

However, having said that, she ALWAYS had a bag packed for going home. Even when she was dying she would still ask to go home. I used to say I'd come back for her at ten o'clock. That settled her and she wouldn't remember after I'd left that the conversation even happened. You're protecting your mum physically, and with a dementia patient confirming their reality (as long as it comforts them) protects their mind.

It's still really early days, give it a few months and it won't be quite so bad. Doll therapy really helped my grandmother, might be something to look into for your mum.

Thank you all so much. The comments have been very helpful and probably what I needed to hear.

Magissa I tried the distraction technique today with some success, thank you.

I’m pleased others have used white lies - not really in my nature but it is making my mum settled and therefore protecting my mental health.

Thank you - it’s very much appreciated.