I am about to fall and crack apart, I need help.

[tootiredtocry]

Hi I am trying to look after my mum (not DM) with vascular dementia, while trying to hold down a house, job and raise dd. I cannot do this anymore without help but cant seem to get any help for me or her. I dont live with her and dont even like her but the sole reponsibiltiy is yet again on me. My OH really doesnt help or understand and have no family helping out. I am sat here tonight again in pieces as I just cant do this anymore.
I am already on antidepressents due to my childhood, but now everyone thinks I should put what little life I have on hold to look after a woman who has spent her life using people to get a life of riley. I just dont know what to do. I know nobody will have any advice, I just needed to get it all out.

Yes I do feel a bit empty at the moment, so not going to visit for a week or 2 to get my mental strength back. SS have already started on the guilt, luckily after such an awful Christmas I am having none of it!

It's bad how many of us have or are going through this. Thank you so much for your support xx

Big unmumsnet hugs Tootired Just wanted to repeat what others have said. I've been in a similar position with my DM, and the overriding lesson I learnt was to take care of myself first and foremost. You need you to be healthy and happy. Your mum has the care of professionals, they're paid to take the responsibility of her welfare. A nurse in my mums nursing home used to say to me, go home, look after yourself and your family, live your life and all the while we'll be looking after your mum, that's our job. You are welcome to visit anytime and have quality time together. Oh and don't ever feel guilty about taking time out, if things got too much for me, I'd stay away for days or weeks. We all need some headspace

So much of this resonates with my own experiences. It helps to know I am not insane and that others have similar issues. My mum is 89 with Dementia and lives in a care home in Australia. She emigrated there with my Dad thirty years ago to live near my brother who was her golden child. Sadly my father died twelve years ago and my brother died of a heart attack seven years ago. I repeatedly invited mum home to live with me but she wouldn’t.
After an emergency last year the medics decided she couldn’t live alone anymore so I went to find a nice care home and sort things. It was a difficult summer arranging everything in a foreign country.
My mum has always had illnesses, but I suspect a lot is a control strategy. I know she has pain but it is so hard to know if she is really ill.
She now needs tests in a fortnight as day case, but is telling everyone I am flying out to take her for her appointment.
I can’t do this. I am divorced and have a mortgage to pay so need to work to pay the bills.

I am so tired of the expectation to give up my life, my children here, and move to Australia. I hate the place.

Some days I just want it all to stop.

.

@tootiredtocry how are things?

I find myself here again, this time with my 'd'm. Non acceptance of any help, sweetness and light to everyone around her but nasty to me.

I've been waiting for a crisis which has now happened - she's in hospital. My biggest fear is discharge to unsuitable accommodation with an expectancy of me to pick up the pieces.

I have to practice my NO to social services.

Some days I just want it all to stop.

I hear you, @textilefingers . My Dad has dementia, I can't wait for it to all end.

Hi, a bit of an update and to thank everyone that gave advice, it was much needed.

Mum is now in a full time care home nearer to me, we have good days and bad days but at least I can just visit here and there. The care home is fantastic and they wont take any of her rubbish. It's taken to now to get back a bit of my sanity.

Social services were 100% going to send her home at the end of January as they thought she still had capisity, luckily I was still upset and angry about Christmas that I went on the warpath and got her doctor, the temporary care home and her mental health team threaten legal action if they did. Thats when they finally said yes she now needs full time dementia care and we moved her nearer to us.

Such a bloody awful journey but the relief is amazing.

Sending my thoughts to anyone still going through this especially with a not so "D"M.

We run a support group on facebook which you might also find useful. As well as lots of people in same position offering emotional and practical support we also have professionals on the group who can help advise - dementia nurse, OT, activities coordinator etc www.facebook.com/groups/dementiaconnection/