Is there anyone here who doesn't even care their mother has dementia?

[nicenewone1]

Wow that title is harsh, but it's true

She has started to decline, and all I'm bothered about is the extra leg work I'll have to put in. Yes I know God will strike me down and I will deserve it.

She was never a mother to me, my dad was my main influence, and not a particularly good one. I think she's always been depressed, and think she may have some brain damage but it doesn't alter the fact I don't think I have any feelings for her. Not sure I ever had. No siblings or relatives that are interested.

I do have a fear actually that when she dies I will be hit with unimaginable guilt and grief.

Anyway, she wants to live with me. Out of the question. She comes round for tea once a week and that's too much, she drops poo out of her trouser legs, is sick into her dinner at the table, coughs with food in her open mouth. We can't bear it.

I will do the right thing by her, and see this through. I'll be the daughter I need to be.

Is there anyone else who just has no interest to the point of just been inconvenienced by it all?

Not dementia, but my father has cancer and I am stone cold unmoved by it.

I have been dreading the day one of my co dependent parents gets ill as the minimal contact I have stuck to for years is changing as my mother is too helpless (not physically) even to visit him in hospital

I get you

It's sad that there are so many of us who feel this way, but good to hear others being honest about it.
I look forward to the day I will finally feel free, and I know my sibling feels the same.

My mother is still going strong but just wanted to comment and say that I understand. My parents were emotionally abusive and despite years of therapy (which was more helpful than I can say), I'm still hurt and angry with them. I dread one of them becoming ill or dying. I hate the thought of them being dependent and needing care.

I feel the same about DP's parents (also emotionally abusive). DP's mother is very frail and much older than her years, partly due to neglecting her health. I find myself hoping that when her time comes, she goes quickly. I don't want to see him having to care for her after she has undermined and bullied and sucked the life out of him all his life.

Some people will never get it OP, and lucky old them. I'm glad you've had such support on this thread

So glad I found this thread and would like to say that I hear you all and support you!

I am very involved atm the with my father's care. He has always been unpleasant and my sister has no contact. He has undiagnosed frontal temporal dementia. No, I am not a neurologist, psychiatrist etc. etc but these days all we have is doctor google. I have no choice but to diagnose him for myself. I have given up work and time with my children to travel to look after him (he lives a long way away). I justify this to my family by saying I have compassion for him but we are suffering financially and emotionally by my absence. We can't afford residential care and social services need proof that there is no other possibility for care. I am going to have to withdraw completely to allow any care to step in.

I am angry. First of all because my dad has a kind of narrative going that he is a free spirit and part of the permissive society ( a good thing apparently) which means he did not need to do the dull things when I was a child like paying bills, being a responsible member of society and actually being at home. So, I don't even know him very well and can't say I am now giving him care that he gave me as a child. Secondly my dad grew up in the post war generation which assumed the state would take care of him and his female relatives would be available to do the emotional top up care. But, I have to work and there is very little state care on offer.

So, either I give up work to care for him (something he never would have done himself) or I spend my time fielding calls from carers, neighbours, GP, taxi drivers, social workers, nurses asking why he is alone, not coping, walking naked in the street, locked out of his house etc. several times a day. It's shit.

We either need a great big moral change in society where it is clearly understood what responsibilities parents have in terms of bringing up happy, balanced children so it's clear when these responsibilities haven't been met and their children are therefore not obliged to feel reciprocal duties and/or a state system which is prepared to step in when elderly people are not coping. At present this only happens when the elderly person is in danger and the system has completely broken down.

So true Bonny

I am sorry you have been forced to care for someone who never gave you adequate care. I can see my life edging towards this and some difficult decisions to make in the future

Fuck this

Sorry to hear that AF and I really hope you avoid this.

I have devoted many months to doing the 'right thing' for my dad. ie. that which people declare is lovely and kind, 'you're a star!' etc. The consequence for me is that I am utterly exhausted, am not able to work and earn money or spend time with DH or DCs. All this for a man who did not 'care for convention' ie. spent all his earnings, wasn't at home etc...

I know that society would not function if we were all selfish and yes I do have compassion. But. OTOH surely there has to be reciprocity OR a functioning state system?

I want to be be brave enough to say to GPs, neighbours, nurses etc. NO! I am not giving up my life for this person who never sacrificed a thing for me. I would put myself out for a while if i thought the state (which he paid into for decades) could provide adequate care. But it can't.

This is personal to me but it is also a political and economic issue. In case anyone didn't know. If you can't afford £50.000 pa private care fees you will be in this situation too sooner or later. And as a woman you will be expected to engage with this even if it isn't your own parent. Even if this person cba to look after you as you grew up. You will have to clean and maintain their house, buy and cook their food, manage their medical care, wash them, do their laundry, entertain them and generally be lovely and kind (because you are a lady) almost certainly on top of caring for your children, running your own home and having your own life.

Just say no! If your DM, DF or DMIL/DFIL did not care for you, do not sacrifice your own life. Campaign for better social services and btw train your daughters NOW to understand that love and care are reciprocal. Women are not masochists!

I'm glad you got a supportive thread OP. My own mother is not currently suffering severe ill health but we are NC which I am struggling with lately and her deteriorating health (physical and mental) does play on my mind.

I needed to read this. Thank you.

It is a feminist issue, Bonny

No fucking two ways about it

I am lucky to have a H who gets it and understands and helps me out with my own dysfunctional parents (hopefully you do too) but it doesn't change the fact it usually falls to the woman

Interestingly, my H has lost his own two wonderful parents who never gave us one moment of shit in the 3 decades I knew them

Not fucking fair

I just wish I didn't have to pretend my mother was a saint. It was just me and her for years and she was quite nasty for a lot of that time.
Now she's ill and has to have care and I'm supposed to give it graciously. Well I'm not. I resent having to look after her. She irritates me and I wish I diddnt have to pretend.

My step dad has dementia. I've never really had any feelings for him, he's always been my mum's partner instead of step dad.

I hate to say it and I feel like a terrible person, but I get so fed up sometimes. I don't care for him and I don't see him often (nor my mum) because of distance. She has 3 hours a month to herself when someone comes and sits with him. Other than that, he follows her everywhere. He dropped 6 points at his last memory clinic....I don't even know what that means, but mum says it's not good.

I resent him and his dementia. It's stopping my mum having a proper relationship with my 10 month old DD. I find it very awkward talking to him. Sometimes I look at him and he looks empty but full of confusion and I get a pang of overwhelming compassion and realise how utterly horrible it must be for him. But I still wish he was in a home somewhere. I'm awful, aren't I?

Not awful at all @FannyTheFlamingo I have been thinking the same all day.

@13bastards Glad I'm not the only one. It must be so hard for you. I'm hardly around my step dad and I still feel like this!

Not my mother (she's dead) but my grandmother. Haven't seen her in years, after the way she behaved when I was a child o feel no guilt.

Hardly awful fanny. I long for the day that my dad's wife puts him a home, so I won't have to deal with her any more. The strain of dementia is extraordinary.