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Original poster

Dialogues I never have with DW

47 replies

UrbanDad · 08/03/2010 16:40

They only happen in my head and they start something like:

Why do you ALWAYS ask me to do something while I am in the middle of concentrating on something else and instead of reminding me when I finish, have a go at me for forgetting/not listening?

I AM listening to you, but could you please summarise rather than giving me a verbatim account as I tend to lose the thread of what you are trying to tell me.

No, it's not the wrong way, it's just MY way of bathing/dressing/praising/reprimanding/encouraging/playing with our DCs and it's different from yours, OK?

You do indeed look ravishing in that item of clothing, but are there not some equally nice items in New Look and (ahem) sub-prime retailers where you are not paying three times the cost for the label?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TechLovingDad · 21/09/2010 04:22

My reaction is usually to roll my eyes, sigh, shake my head and carry on doing what I was doing.

It annoys the hell out of DW and she admits it's a good way of getting back at her, when she's moaning / having a go / being a bit of a wally.

thumbwitch · 21/09/2010 04:53

agree with others - have a notepad/pen to hand and make a note of whatever it is she's asking you to do. Saves so much angst in the long run.

I have tried to summarise for my DH. This results in him interrupting every second sentence to say "who?" or "what was that bit about?" or other such questions that suggest the detail is actually necessary for his comprehension. This makes the telling 3 times longer than if I had put the detail in in the first place.

There should not be a "my way" and "his way" - there should be "this is the way WE do it to avoid confusion for our small child(ren)". Again as others have said, if the primary carer is the mother, then she will be doing XYZ far more often than the father and therefore her way will predominate.

So long as it's not Stupidly Expensive designer gear, then she is shopping Sensibly by not buying cheap crap. You would know this if you bought your work shirts in Primark.

HTH :)

Original poster

UrbanDad · 22/09/2010 12:20

Gracias for all your helpful input - especially indignant/unreasonable/bonkers responses - it allows me to cover those particular bases when I finally find the guts/time/energy to broach the above points among SO many others. Interesting especially to see the "you have a Y-chromosome so must be wrong, now let me see if I can work out why" approach wheeled out.

Clothes. Actually, you know what? The thing which really yanks my pudding is that DW has loads of clothes she doesn't wear because they "don't go with anything" (which I suspect, but about which am not sufficiently energetic, impoverished, unsympathetic or bellicose to argue with DW, really means "I didn't like them by the time I got them back from the shop and forgot/was too embarrassed/couldn't be bothered to take them back"). My point is this - if you're only going to wear the stuff once and then allow it to become an ancestral home for generations of tineola bisselliella, why buy expensive stuff in the first place? Cheap crap (albeit totally unethical and environmentally unsound) will do and won't break the bank. Why do I have an (only slightly evil) internal dialogue which says "clothes are symptomatic of self-image issues - tell her she looks great in those clothes she doesn't wear and that they 'go' well with other stuff"?

I REALLY DO want to listen to what DW has to say honestly, but in the 2.5 hours between the DKs' bedtime and the time we go to bed, I want to hear it and still have time to do a small proportion of all of the zillions of other things left to do in the evening.

AND kids CAN definitely deal with "Daddy does it this way and Mummy does it that way". I know - I was a kid once.

OP posts:

roundthebend4 · 24/09/2010 06:37

sorry the thought of some brave husband pulling out teh folder and saying on such and such a date you said this mad em laugh out loud

And wondered where the dw would then insert said folder

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 24/09/2010 06:55

Unfortunately for me DH wouldn't have these types of conversation in his head, he would just tell me where I am going wrong.

If I ask DH to do something and he is doing something else, when I ask I generally mean after he has finished what he is doing. His answer: What, you want me to do it RIGHT NOW? Can't you see I am doing something? blah blah blah. And then he doesn't do it. So, you're right, wait till someone has finished what they are doing and then ask them.

I think women love details, it makes a story, I do it. Summaries are boring!

I totally agree that doing baths, dressing etc differently is ok, as long as rules of behaviour are agreed on and there is consistency.

According to DH I look like I have stepped out of a jumble sale so he doesn't have your problem with expensive clothes.

rustinpeace · 24/09/2010 11:22

'Why do you ALWAYS ask me to do something while I am in the middle of concentrating on something else and instead of reminding me when I finish, have a go at me for forgetting/not listening?'

I SO agree with this. My other half will generally wait until I am either up a ladder or underneath the car, hands full of tools and mouth full of bolts/screws, before the list of other stuff to do begins....

Tortington · 24/09/2010 11:26

read this out to dh - he thought it v. funny and accurate

proudnglad · 29/09/2010 12:12

This thread is tres amusing.

I have learned not to bombard dh with requests/demands/reminders/gossip early in the morning or when he's concentrating on something else.

It took me years to realise I was being unreasonable in expecting immediate response and/or action from him.

Re clothes, even though I am the main breadwinner and we are fine for money - I still lie about how much I've spent. What the feck's that about?

minipie · 29/09/2010 12:24

Why do you ALWAYS ask me to do something while I am in the middle of concentrating on something else and instead of reminding me when I finish, have a go at me for forgetting/not listening?

Answer: because that is when you are available, and we can't tell the difference between "concentrating hard on work project" and "browsing car websites"

Why not try saying "Can we talk about this in 5 minutes" and then go talk to her in 5 minutes...?

Original poster

UrbanDad · 28/10/2010 17:04

DW is apparently not the only one who relates an account of her experiences "in real time". Have noticed that quite a few "chatty" people do it. It's not that they've got more to say, it's just they feel the need to impart a depth, texture and detail which others don't and consequently tend to take up the lion's share of a conversation. If two of them get together, it's exhausting - I just zone out waiting for the point to arrive in a neatly-packaged conclusion.

It's not a "right" or "wrong" thing, I just think my brain's wired up to ask "Is this a problem which needs my attention?" within about 2 mins of it being raised and if not (or not apparent within that timescale), then my brain tends to lose focus on it, whereas some people's brains seem to be able to cope with a constant flow of detail. Perhaps what might engage my attention is an executive summary at the outset, to let me know what to look for.

OP posts:

eeore · 12/02/2011 21:14

"I'm not thinking about anything, I really am just staring blankly into space."

missmehalia · 12/02/2011 21:16

So.. what was your question exactly?

missmehalia · 12/02/2011 21:17

'yanks my pudding'. Excellent. Keep 'em coming..

eeore · 12/02/2011 23:29

"no I haven't seen you glasses, and I don't know how many times I have told you always leave them in the same place! Oh look you have found them on the fireplace, where you always leave them. Why are you asking me where your glasses are?"

scarlotti · 15/02/2011 21:50

Loving this, and the new insight I'm getting into DH!

I too am one of the 'chatty' ones, as are many in my family .. DH spends a lot of time waiting for the executive summary and a lull in the conversation.
Has given me a deeper appreciation of him, this thread

Rieslinger · 17/02/2011 11:18

Just read your post ABetaDad.....ha-ha

No I mean it that's your clue to laugh, not in a nasty way but if you both watched that on TV it would seem ridiculous so laugh it away mate.

Saltatrix · 17/02/2011 11:31

"Why do you ALWAYS ask me to do something while I am in the middle of concentrating on something else and instead of reminding me when I finish, have a go at me for forgetting/not listening?"

I suspect this is their way of actually getting us to agree with something covertly. Whenever your busy with something and someone comes along and starts asking questions you just agree so they would leave you alone only to find out what you agreed to later...

Blackduck · 20/02/2011 08:02

UrbanDad - another one who relates everything in real time - dps glazed look is starting to make sense now! I hadn't really thought about it until you mentioned it...ds is currently like me, do you think he will change as he grows up?

Greenwing · 20/02/2011 08:39

I AM listening to you, but could you please summarise rather than giving me a verbatim account as I tend to lose the thread of what you are trying to tell me.

That is something I still find hard to understand but have had to learn to accept as a wife but, more particularly, as the mother of adolescent sons! They get irritated (and let it show) when I give them background, detail or even reasons.
For example, they want a succinct instruction ?Unload the dishwasher?. Not ?Your brother loaded the dishwasher and _ has done the sweeping up so please would you unload the dishwasher when you?ve finished that game.? I used to try to explain so that they knew I was trying to be fair.

Research, however seems to show that women do not really speak much more than men:
the sexes came out just about even in the daily averages: women at 16,215 words and men at 15,669. In terms of statistical significance, Pennebaker says, "It's not even remotely close to different." He does point out that women tend to jaw more about other people, whereas men are apt to hold forth on more concrete objects?so the stereotypes of ladies as gossips and guys engaging in car talk can live on.
from this website www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=women-talk-more-than-men

Just look at the length of this post.
Might change my nickname to 'Verbose'?

FakePlasticTrees · 20/02/2011 08:58

re the dresses - you should have said - OK - let's go skirt/top/trousers shopping instead.

New Look clothes don't last and will always look as cheap as they are. OK for slumming around, not for any other occasion. They also assume you don't curve in and out.

comixminx · 20/02/2011 09:02

Greenwing, glad you are debunking the "women speak more than men" myth - at first glance I misread you & thought you were arguing the opposite! There's a lot of interesting stuff in that area in the books "The Myth of Mars and Venus" by Deborah Cameron, and "Pink Brain, Blue Brain" by Lise Elliot.

I am a succinct woman whose partner is a verbose man, and it drives me crazy! I ask him to summarise all the time, not that it has as much effect as it might do. But his parents are both very verbose too so it's clearly a family thing there.

givemesomespace · 20/02/2011 09:02

Be careful LostVagueness, the floodgates will open soon and the ANGRY ONES will come for you. They're waiting.................

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