Am I seeing my child enough?

[DadJ93]

Hi all,

I'm really worried about my long distance relationship with my son. Im a 32 year old man, my son is 7. For the last 5 years I've been having a long distance relationship with him. I see him for 4 nights overnight once per month and then he stays with me for Christmas, easter and 2 seperate 10 day periods in the summer holidays.

Ive worked this out to be about 1090 hours per year. Which averages out to about 20 hours per week. Inbetween this I spend about 2-3 hours per day playing online games with him and videocalling, talking about his day that day, how schools gone, what his plans are for the weekend etc, what we'll be doing the next time I see him and anything inbetween. We have what feels like a close relationship but lately I've been thinking that maybe im letting him down by not being physically closer to him. Im also worried about what the future holds as he grows. Ive been thinking about moving nearer to him, but this could potentially mean losing all of the holiday contact I currently have with him and just seeing him every other weekend. His mum and me didn't end on good terms and there was a lot of court proceedings so, all of the contact i have with him is court ordered.

Please help

Im not sure if it was an aggressive tone. I was just stating my point of view on the topic. Have there been any studies done showing that gaming is detrimental to young children?

He isn't overweight, is doing well in school and is very confident and sociable. He's been gaming since he was old enough to hold a controller. Gaming has also been proven to help children develop hand eye coordination, problem solving abilities and social skills. I think your way of thinking is outdated and a bit ignorant if im being honest. He also has plenty of friends that are his age that play with him all the time, so hes not an outlier in any way.

If he only has a small amount of time awake/active after school and before bed surely 2-3hrs of that being spent gaming or on a screen isn't healthy? As he gets older this is time he would be spending playing out or going to clubs or activities. I don't think anyone is doubting your intentions or commitment, but screen time in adults is very different to a still developing brain. More balance may be appropriate - it sounds like you do help him learn though which is great

Exactly, if he gets home from school at about 4pm and the gaming starts then he is solidly taken up by gaming until 7pm, when is he having dinner, doing homework, reading, going on playdates or going to hobbies outside of the home.

I also don’t imagine the games are rated suitable for a seven year old child.

OP with regards to contact, I think a good rule of thumb is to ask if the amount of time you spend with him would also be a suitable amount of time for the resident parent to spend with him, if no, then it isn’t enough.

An application to vary a court order is around £250. If you've been to court before then you will realise there's no need for solicitors etc, you can self represent. Your ex wife doesn't get to change a court order just because your address has changed. If parents live close enough to make it viable and there's no risk to the child then courts start from a premise of 50/50 contact, you can't change the current court either without applying for a variation.
People do it all the time, it's not overly complicated. Have you fully considered the impact of having him for longer times, are you prepared to do the school run, pay for childcare if you're working etc. In your position I'd move first and then apply to make a variation to the order once everything is in place.
2-3 hours gaming a night is excessive at age 7 but if his mum has agreed to it then it's part of your 'co parenting' style, I personally wouldn't do it but know plenty of parents who do.

Where did you get this idea?

Who moved away from who?

Have there been studies showing gaming is detrimental?!!!!! Seriously? Yes. Many. There is absolutely no doubt that amount of screen time at his age is massively detrimental.

I'm not sure if it was an aggressive tone.

Oh, it was. Believe me.

I was just stating my point of view on the topic.

Yes, in a highly combative form of words. Are you always so unwilling/unable to have a calm discussion?

Have there been any studies done showing that gaming is detrimental to young children?

Good grief, yes. Haven't you Googled it?.

Addiction to gaming is described in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR), which is used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental disorders. In the DSM-5-TR, the condition is referred to as Internet Gaming Disorder

See also:

How Gaming Affects the Brain - Game Quitters Link

Yes, isn't it odd that the OP hasn't researched this?

"Excessive gaming for a 7-year-old can be harmful as it displaces time for essential development, potentially leading to isolation and poorer academic performance. To prevent this, set strict time limits, with the American Academy of Pediatrics recommending no more than one hour per day for children over six. Parents should also know the games their children play, avoid violent content, and consistently enforce rules to foster healthy habits"

It's really not fair on your sons mother either, that you are intruding into her home and time with her child every single day. A quick phone call sometimes, fair enough. But her time with her son shouldn't accommodate your wants.

It sounds like you are seeing enough of him to have a strong relationship.

Of course moving closer would be good, because especially as he gets older, your time with him will have to fit in with his friends and hobbies and longer school hours.

His mother doesn’t get to decide how much you see him. Holidays should be split equally - she cannot just reduce that because you move closer and are able to have more term time contact. If she is being unreasonable you can take it to mediation and, if necessary, court.

You sound like a great dad BTW

The kid is 7 - I am pretty sure the mother knows this is what’s happening (or if she doesn’t she isn’t doing her job well) and it presumably suits her, or she would stop it.

It is too much time spent gaming, but that’s an issue for both the parents to tackle, not just the OP.

I agree with this.
The child has to be given the opportunity to settle in both homes. A quick phone call once or twice a week, but not hours spent daily gaming with a parent who lives hours away.

Yes. This is really intrusive and not acceptable.