Okay, opinions: I want to move out of London a bit, to somewhere a bit more spacious...

[TheHerdNerd]

but I'm a bit worried that DW won't find other mums all that easily! We know some new parents here already, so we'd have to meet new ones.

Has anybody done this? Results/caveats/tips?

How old are your children?

And are you likely to have any more?

Very likely to have more, and we have one 12 week old girl!

I wouldn't worry about her. Mums seem to have this uncanny ability to attract each other and make friends. It starts at the baby/toddler groups and goes on from there.

We moved from London to Glasgow when we got pregnant cos we wanted to get more house for our money and somewhere a little less mad and close to her family.

As soon as she starts to get out and about with the baby she will start meeting others.

We moved from London to Medway in Kent. 35 miles away.

We'd never move back to London now, schools seem better, less crime, nicer area generally. There are plenty of parent and toddler places, clubs, church groups, etc.

Yeah - we had a great time there being young and free - but as soon as we got pregnant i guess we realised we shouldn't be living in a seedy flat and out partying all the time anymore.

DAMNIT!

From a woman's perspective, we moved out of N. London to Surrey in Jan of this year. I have made tonnes of new friends (much friendly here than in London). Having children is a real ice breaker tbh.

Have moved twice in the last 5 years up and down the country. Having kids is definitely a good way to settle into a new area. Depends on how outgoing your wife is though - if she is very shy she might find it hard to just turn up on her own at a new playgroup.

There is a find a mum service on netmums where you can find other mums in the area you are moving to - bit like a dating service! I used this when we moved to Surrey and met a lovely friend with a little boy a bit older than mine.

IME the best way to meet other mums is to have a child at pre-school or school, or to go to breastfeeding support groups, or NCT coffee mornings. I've never met anyone at playgroups - chatted often, but never made any friends that way.

Personally I wouldn't want to live anywhere where I couldn't walk through houses to get from A to B. No country lanes for me thank you very much! But, being within walking distance of school and our town centre, I meet the same mums over and over again, and our connections are not just that our children see each other.

We moved from London to Wokingham last year, it's lovely, and I've made more friends through my children than I did in London. I do miss London though .

Oh PC we're considering a move from London to Wokingham - might pick your brains!

Okay, good! She's very outgoing (if a bit overwhelmed at the minute!), so should be okay.

How about commuting for the dads? Did you find it a bit problem moving jobs/commuting to the old one?

My DH commuted an hour and a half into work both ways every day when we had our first DD. It was hard but you adapt and get used to it. We specifically kept a late bed time for DD1 9am-9pm as opposed to the earlier 7-7 most people do. It worked well as he got an hour with her in the evenings. Now we have our 2nd though I am lucky he works nearer.

Sorry, rambling. My point is that you do what you need to do, and adapt to fit in accordingly.

Commuting wise, for dh it is the same length journey as when we lived in London (Northern line, need I say any more), only downside is the trains aren't as frequent as the tube. We have a big 4 bed 3 bathroom 4 storey house for not a whole lot more than we sold a small 3 bed terrace, more greenery, good schools, commutable to London, 10 mins from Hampton Court. It is lovely, best thing we ever did moving out of London.

I agree, mums with babies just seem to make friends with other mums with babies. If it's what you want to do, then go for it.

We have moved from Sidcup to Kelvedon in Essex near Colchester and life is so much nicer here - got very worried about the crime rate and house prices - we have a lovely 4 bed grade 2 listed huge house up here for a lot less than it would have cost in SE9 where we lived before and the school is fantasitc - travel is more expensive (45 minutes from Liverpool St) but I get a seat everyday as does DH and after 6 months I have a social cirle here. But above all life is slower and safer and I won;t have to worry about the kids getting stabbed for looking at someone the wrong way on the bus oneday!

Do it it will change your life!

Pick away, MrsR - only be sure to wash your hands afterwards

Yes, children are an icebreaker, but I have had a less-than-brilliant experience of moving away from London. I don't know how to put it without revealing myself as the most hideous snob, but it's to do with choosing the area you move to. I feel slightly like a fish out of water at the school gates where we live because I am about 10 years older than most of the other parents (which was not the case when we lived in North London). I also speak to my children differently from most of the parents I overhear, I don't like seeing people smoking over their children, and I've never got very far striking up a conversation. I try to be friendly and smiley, but I think my accent makes me stand out (very boring RP). So I guess what I'm saying is that if you're middle class (and since you use the word 'caveat' in your OP I'm guessing it's a safe bet ) you might find it hard to fit in if you go for a less-privileged area.

I think that making friends through children works but only up to a point. A) if the children are quite young (mother and toddler group age) and B) if you strike lucky with the group. After all, having children is common enough ground for women to make allies but not necessarily friendships. Think about it, are you friends with or likely to be friends with every man you meet who's fathered a child and lives locally?

We've thought about this too but decided to stay put in London, luckily we're in a fairly leafy bit of North London with some good schools. I love London ( I come from rural Derbyshire) and could never , ever, ever go back. I think you can make friends wherever you are through your children but I love London for its hustle and bustle, colour and culture. I honestly couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I would love more space but its a trade off I'm prepared to make. I do worry about my children though, how they will ever be able to afford to buy here I don't know.

NKF, I know what you mean and of course the answer is no - but women are more often than not thrown together by these groups as they are the ones taking the parental leave, and seem to find anything in common will draw them together. Having said that, DW did end up with an especially odious post-natal group and hasn't stayed in touch with any of them. They all talked about Denby pottery, what their cars and holidays cost and what great jobs their husbands had.

The question for me would be whether the friendships created by being thrown together for that particularly intense but relatively short period of one's life are satisfying enough. Raising children is a common bond but it's also so individual an experience that it doesn't always make for good relationships. Look at the arguments on here if you don't believe me. If I thought that after moving, my friendships and social life would depend on who my children's friends parents were, I wouldn't do it. At school age, it happens less anyway. And at secondary school, making friends though children is a non starter.

I agree about the 'class' thing, Lio. It was certainly on our mind when we were exploring areas to which we might move. I would not, by choice, have moved to an area without having wandered around it and chatted to people a lot beforehand. Even so, I would say I'm an oddity here, whereas I fitted in in London because of the multiculturality and multi-classness of my previous area. OTOH, I'm sure it's also why I didn't make any friends at my dc's nursery back in London.

But why would one make friends at a nursery? It's a place for children, not grown ups.

I agree with you to a point NKF, you can't be friends with everybody who you meet just by virtue of the fact that you are all mothers but it is a good starting point. I moved when DS1 was 15 months and made friends via a toddler group. OK there were lots of people I talked to but never saw from one session to the next but I did eventually form a proper friendship with 2 or 3 of them.

The same happened again when DS2 was 7 mths - we moved house and I made one or two friends at toddler group and then another couple at the school gate when DS1 started there a couple of months later.

Depends if you are after quality or quantity. Quality is OK with me - I don't need a huge circle of friends.

Making friends through your children isn't the only option. There is are also evening classes, gyms and health clubs, hobby clubs and societies, churh groups, voluntary work, or paid employment which all provide opportunities for making friends for the OP's wife.

It is hard at first but if you persevere and keep going to things eventually you make real friends.

Seriously though, who has ever made a friend at gym or health club. And I did agree that it's possible to make friends when one's children are at the baby stage. After that, I'm not so sure.

I understand the quality over quantity argument. It depends of course how important your old friends are. In my case, I prefer my old friends to making new ones. If in moving I saw less of them, it would be a poor exchange for the struggle to get to know a new bunch. I agree that it's lovely when an acquaintance becomes a friend but better by far is a day out with a friend from university.