Am I being a jerk?

[DionysusUK]

Gosh, this is going to sound like a right moan but if I don't get this off my chest it will only fester. So, we have been married now for 8 years, she is a wonderful mum to our two children, amazing. She is a caring and loving person to everyone, our neighbours say she is the most gentle soul and I am so very lucky to have her.

We have always supported her family "emotionally" and her dad was and is still a bully to her I think despite me having a very frank and robust discussion with him. her brother is a weak-willed lettuce of a man-boy who is scared of his own shadow and like his dad, is a free-loader who doesn't think of anyone but himself. We have spent our entire married life pandering to her family to (I now see) the detriment of our relationship and try as I might, I am at the point now where I just feel detached from her.

I am basically a cashpoint, childcare and home help and am about 5th on her priority list behind her dad, her brother, the children and her friends. I work full time in a high-level executive position (but never at the weekend or late evenings), we have a nice house, nice car, very comfortable life. I get up at 4:30 am so I can give her as much sleep time while I breakfast with ankle-biter #2 then head to the gym 4 days a week, I get back in at 5:30 pm, she is a full-time mother and so I get we are both tired but it's like a desert now. We are in bed for 9:30 pm and she is always tired. We still make each other laugh, we still hold hands, we still chat but it seems so superficial. To top it all off I feel like I have been supporting her, her mum and dad, her brother since we got married and now her ogre of a dad is moving to be nearer and I suspect she will end up doing more than the current all day Saturday visits (after her piano lesson of course).

I do as much as I can for her, I do dinner almost every night, I run her baths, I read with the kids at bedtime, I make sure she can go for dinner with her friends, go to classes that she wants to, I iron, I clean, I taxi everyone around, I buy her flowers, clothes and generally (I hope) make her feel wanted but now, I think I am just being taken for granted. Try as I might, every conversation always ends up with her crying and, our physical relation (which was never fantastic as I genuinely think she has a trauma she has never shared with me) is almost non-existent.

What can I do? I am honestly at the end of my tether. I love her and we have made a home together but I am not dead from the waist down and am much more than a wallet and home-help.

Sorry, just wanna get that off my chest. Does anyone else ever feel like that or am I being a jerk for wanting to be a slightly higher priority in her life?

As you were :)

Why do you think of the DC as hers and hers alone? Why have you checked out of fatherhood to the point that caring for your children is seen as something you do for your wife?

The poor woman can't catch a break. Spending the entire day on her feet then get home only for her husband to spend the night pestering her for sex.

Shit husband, shit dad.

female here. you sound amazing OP, caring and considerate.

You need to suggest therapy, or sit down and talk to her. You should be coming 2nd to only your children. I find your post sad, and tons of women would be lucky to have you, so quite honestly your wife should be more grateful as per pointed out. If this was a reverse and you were a woman posting about a man i would say the same fwiw!

Having a break up and don't know how to see my boys

Many couples agree for the wife to be a SAHM and the husband be the sole bread winner. In that case the SAHM prepares the meals, does the laundry etc. The husband does only minimal chores. If the wife and husband both work outside the home they they tend to split chores.

This OP sounds like a good husband and dad, being the sole provider and doing many chores in the evenings. It sounds like your wife is busy with not just her home but her parent's and siblings too. If she worked outside the home she won't be as much.

A bit late to the party here so I hope things have improved for you in the last few months!

In short: no, you're not being a jerk.

It doesn't sound like a good position to be in and doesn't sound sustainable :(

The most important thing is to talk to your wife about how you're feeling, but take some time to really think about how you're feeling first, and exactly what it is that's causing you to feel it, which isn't actually all that easy. Maybe try thinking about a time you felt particularly taken for granted, then how it could have played out differently so you'd have been happy with the situation - that might help pinpoint things.

Everyone else has zoomed in on the sex, but maybe it's more about feeling appreciated. If it is, there are probably other ways to do that (cancelling her piano lesson to cook you breakfast, or something). Something that shows that you're her priority might help.

Then you'll have something pretty concrete to talk to your wife about: when this thing happens, it makes me feel this way and this is why (and here's how it could be better) - and it's not an attack on her or her family. You'll just have to run the risk of it making her cry and remember that this is about putting your marriage first.

And definitely don't exaggerate or use loaded language - that runs the risk of turning into an argument about the facts, which shouldn't be arguable, rather than their effect on you.

Dealing with her family isn't going to be easy, particularly if it means giving them less (or no) money, but you can try to see her father moving closer as an opportunity (or deadline) to make improvements.

I'd recommend reading the five love languages (pretty short) and 7 principles for making marriage work, or 8 dates (both by John and Julia Gottmann).

Or consider couples' counselling.

Best of luck with everything!

Sounds like you've been doing everything you can so far, so you'll be able to deal with it!

I dont think you sound like a jerk, i think you sound like youve got young kids and are drifting a bit and its frustrating. It wont always be like this. I think its really positive that you are still holding hands and affectionate. It sounds like you are quite proud of lots of things about her but of course its going to get frustrating if youre going through a dry spell sexually.
I dont think any of this sounds like a doomed relationship. I think work on more non-sexual intimacy and keeping your love and friendship strong. Keep holding hands and flirting with each other and I think it will pay dividends when the children are older and you arent all as knackered.
I think communication is in order around her family members though and boundaries need to be put in place. I think maybe she is being taken advantage of, but she needs to understand that youre trying to empower her rather than criticise her