Approaching this correctly?

[Vretz]

First time post on here.

Recently split from my long time fiancée after she experienced a recent bereavement. We have 2 kids and split twice before.

She's become very close to a female friend, and i got a little jealous over time as i felt ignored and neglected. It ultimately resulted in me not so nicely asking her to leave 1 night as it was 11pm and the kids kept getting woken up. Sadly she lost the family member the following day so i got the blame for being insensitive as this family member was on his last days and i basically lost it after working, doing school run, dealing with a 2yr old, mice in the loft and a demanding dog. It was a mistake on my end.

Since then, she's blanked me, and moved out 2 months back taking the kids. I live in the family home, jointly owned, but im the breadwinner and she's always been good primary caregiver. I'm the enemy of her family and friends now.

She and her family now insist i should move out so she can move back in with the kids, however the solicitor says dont as my ex is also denying me visitation with the children.

I've offered mediation but she's refused, spoken to our GP as she was having treatment for depression. I think it'd be horrendous to put her and the kids through a court battle.

What's the best thing to do?

I don’t think it was forecast that the person was going to die.

It was 11pm. The dc were getting disturbed.

I am a little confused as to who died and who was round at the house till 11pm

In your first post I get the impression that they was the friend that died but then you say it was her father who died.

I don’t see how one has anything to do with the other

The friend was at the house, the OP asked the friend to leave, next day the fiance's father died.

It's not linked, it's just an unfortunate series of events. Though the father was ill and expected to die.

In which case I suspect this new friend is having a field day turning your Dp against you and encouraging her to withhold the kids otherwise it doesn’t make any sense why she would have walked out in the first place.

I would be interested to know if this friend had an interest in your partner above friendship.

I have seen these sort of “friendships” before and nearly always seem to end up in the bedroom.

Yes it does appear that the friend has a part to play here for sure. It's a really tricky situation OP. I really feel for you.

Oh and I've not seen any man haters in here - just people trying to be helpful so wind your neck in @z0flora

You need to sort out having contact with your DC as a priority. Start with the court process as she is refusing mediation.

Finances and contact are separate, your DC are not pay per view.

If you did move out whilst the house was sold would you have anywhere to stay?

Could you afford to give your ex a minimum of 50% of the equity in the house?

Can you afford to move out and also pay the mortgage in a house you don’t live in and won’t be able to sell for many years.

Stay put then you have somewhere for your children when they visit.

Your gf chose to move out on a whim with no thought for how she was going to house the children.

Do as your solicitor says. Don’t move.

I am thinking this friend has got her eye on moving in to your house and living there rent free whilst you pay the mortgage for the next 20 years.

I think the fairest would be for you to buy her out or for the house to be sold.

On no account move out.

As you are not married it should be a lot simpler to split.

Thanks all. I do think this is the right place, as in the last few days, it's helped to get the 'mum perspective' as I need to understand her viewpoint better for the children's benefit, so I can get to the best outcome for everyone involved.

The friend is female, works with my ex (at a nursery) but i think she's a bit of an outkast and lonely. I don't think she is malicious, but she hasn't exactly helped. It feels a bit like it suits her to have me out the way socially.

My ex (finally) has said she wants to sort visitation but only after lockdown ends. It feels like an attempt to punish me, as I can't see why i couldn't have them unsupervised (having had them alone the entire weekend before she left!) but clearly she is feeling hurt and lacking trust. It seems to me that court action would be akin to 'kicking her when she's down', and I can't see that being a great example to my DS (8yr old).

I'm not sure i truly understand why she doesn't trust me, so I've just sort of accepted she doesn't for whatever reason instead of trying to work out 'why', so even if I have to jump through some hoops to 'prove' that, then I guess it's something I'll have to do for the kids benefit!
A few years ago, this was usually the time she used to rattle off the list of things I'd done and I'd relate to Lee Evans...

I've arranged some flowers to go to her with an apology, hopefully as a peace offering to show some kind of truce.

What is her reason for not during lockdown? Are you working with the public etc increasing your risk of catching Covid-19?

Unless there would be a real increased exposure risk to them from you whilst I would be happy to delay a few more weeks I wouldn't agree to some currently indefinite "when lockdown ends"

Obviously you know her situation such as whether she is living with other people that are vulnerable etc and that all makes a difference.

Vretz

I doubt that will do anything except be another reason for being wrong.

As has been said don't move out, sort something legal out with seeing your children.

I know that you feel bad about this but IMO she is making all the right noises to make you feel bad.

She has left. Time to move to the next stage.

but clearly she is feeling hurt and lacking trust. It seems to me that court action would be akin to 'kicking her when she's down', and I can't see that being a great example to my DS (8yr old

I think from your update it sounds like your gf is one to pick and berate over little things
Couple that with someone agreeing with her that you are the worse person on earth and making out everything was 100x worse than it was and your gf lapping up the attention and you have the reason why she doesn’t trust you.

You describe this other woman as an “outcast”. Could it be her co workers know what she is like and avoid her at all costs.

I gathered the friend was female. My point still stands that you have to look on her as a rival. As I said I have seen this type of relationship develop before.

Personally I would go through the courts.

No one knows when this lockdown is going
to end and when it does there will be other excuses on why you can’t see your children then it will be twisted to say you haven’t bothered to see them.

Whatever has happened, you should be able to have access to your children - that should always be the case unless a parent presents a danger to the well-being of the child/children. For the sake of the children, of course you should think about what's best for them and that goes the same for the mother. If it was me I'd be following my solicitor's advice whilst obviously making it clear that all you want to do is pursue a healthy relationship with your children and have an amicable one with the mother.