Gents - was my DH being paranoid or protecting himself?!

[LowFatPumpkinJuice]

A question for the men!

DD is 4, but has been playing with our neighbours GC's who are staying with her for the holidays. There are 2 girls and a boy - all early teens (under 16).

The girls have been taking DD to the park most days and have come swimming with us. They also came in with another friend and played with DD in her bedroom for a while.
And while they have been there DD (who is no stranger to going in our neighbours by herself) has also been round there to play.

I have also lent them a few DVD's to help pass the time, and it has all been realy nice.

DD loves the attention and I think escaping her parents for while makes her feel grown-up, and it has given me and DH time to be 1-1 with DS or to get some housework done.

Yesterday before I went to work I said to DD that the girls could come and play in the afternoon, as if not round there or at the park they can only really play catch over the fence.

When I told this to DH he said he was'nt prepared to have the girls round while he was at home on his own because he thought it was inappropriate for a man in his mid-30's, to have a couple of teenage girls in the house, when his own daughter is a lot younger. And it would be different if I was in or it was me on my own.

I do kind of see his point, but after all the activities that have been going I did'nt think he would have this sort of reaction - it never really entered my mind.

Would you have done the same?

they're not good friends of the OP though - just grandchildren of a neighbour. my dh has been here with my dd's and ds's friends without any worry but i cant vouch for how someone else feels all i can say is i can understand why he wouldmnt want to be there on his own

I'd just like to add that when my dd's are older and they are round with their pals i would have no issue with this at all.

I can see why he might be a feeling a little awkward in this instance because of the big age difference between them and his dd.

Yeah.

If anyone thinks anything happened the News of the World will send round a mob to kick your door in and break your windows.

If you're lucky.

Tabloids might send a pack of journos instead.
That's when you're really shafted.

Whoa!!

Such sensationalising and scaremongering, apart from being absurd, is damaging to opportunities for healthy relationships, and....lets the abusers claim a victory.

the dh here has made a judgement that he is comfortable with. Others will come to different decisions.

I'm against the OP's DH on this, although I see his point of view. You cannot go through life assuming the worst of people - it turns you into a real misanthrope. You're not going to end up in the position of Chris Langham just on the say-so of two teenagers.

I have to say though, if he did have a particular reason to distrust them, for example if they were known to spread malicious rumours, then I would agree with him 100% (and I probably wouldn't let them in the house in the first place).

sanandol, I keep meaning to answer your question!
Tis late, but for what it's worth:

When you do a risk assessment probability is of course one factor.
Another is the potential impact - and that's where the problem is.

Chances of you being accused are thankfully small
but if, if an accusation is made then the consequences for
your life and the lives of all around you could certainly be devastating.

I would compare it to nuclear reactor:
fairly low probability of something going badly wrong
but if it does, the fallout is likely to be severe and very public.

There is no particularly good reason why I or you need to
be alone with other people's children - is there?

DaddyJ,

Well of course, technically you're right, but as I said earlier, that seems a pretty bleak way to live life.

In almost every scenario conceivable, there's a tiny risk of something cataclysmic could happen, be it a bus crash on a school trip, your kid falling off a climbing frame, your teenager being knocked down by a car. And let's be clear here, the odds on anything you suggest happening are incredibly small (far smaller than the other scenarios). Personally I'd rather not live life in a way that solely seeks to minimise risk and which expects the worst in people.

And in response to your final question. There are plenty of scenarios where you can end up being alone with someone else's kids (e.g. if mums are off out together). On balance, I'm pretty ambivalent about having those age kids around (particularly if it requires you do anything for them). On the other hand, if there's no other option or having them round makes DS happy and entertains him whilst I relax with a beer in the garden, then they're welcome whenever they want.

I agree with a lot of what you are saying there, sanandol,
a bit of common sense goes a long way.

I know, it is somewhat bleak to feel this way
but not the end of the world.
We are not talking complete segregation of men and children,
just a more aware approach to being alone with other people's children.

The main problem that I have is the lack of anonymity if
accusations are made. Does that not bother you?
Imagine your name in the same sentence as 'alleged sexual
abuse of 11 year old girl'.
Whatever the outcome in court, the sayings 'No smoke without fire'
and 'Mud sticks' will suddenly become very relevant to your life.

I enjoy fighting the good fight but in this context
I reckon it's worth being a bit more careful, just like the OP's DH.

I'll be honest, until the question was raised here, the possibility of such accusations being raised genuinely never crossed my mind.

Now that it has been raised, no, it still really doesn't bother me since the odds on it happening are vanishingly small and the scenario you describe, whilst horrific, would be far less horrific than many other, much more likely scenarios (e.g. child being run over).

Maybe it has been more on my mind because of the McCann story,
followed by CL's court case.

Not sure I understand the traffic analogy, though.

Life is full of risks but whereas dealing with traffic is unavoidable
being alone with other people's children is not.

'but whereas'??
Abuse of the English language there.

Guess we're both having slow mornings here!

You're right though, plenty of things are avoidable. You don't have to travel by plane. You don't have to let your children use climbing frames. You don't have to have to have teenage kids round your house. You don't have to do plenty of things.

That being said, just because you can avoid something doesn't mean you should. And personally I'd rather not have to avoid, what are to me, normal social occasions.

I suppose my girl is quite young at the moment
so I might understand your position much better in a few years time!

The issue for me is not whether you should have teenage girls round your house - when mine are teenagers themselves this is not an issue at all. I am used to having gorls round the house.

I am a stay-at-home-dad and i have two daughters and the house is constantly full of girls when i am at home during the day. For example - there were 5 three-year-old girls in my lounge today (including mine) and a group of four nine-year-olds playing in the garage at one point.

I think the issue in this particular case is the fact that there is such a huge difference in age between the OP's young daughter and the teenage girls? That's the bit i would feel un-comfortable with.