Scared about coping with newborn

[dadindifficulty]

My wife and I had our first baby on the 21st, so she's currently 8 days old. My wife is breastfeeding and so needs to be around the baby 24/7 for feeds (and she feeds a lot, at the moment she's asking around 20 times a day and feeds for anywhere from 5 to 20 minutes).

During the day, things are relatively okay. She sleeps between feeds, my wife and I can watch TV or doze on the sofa, etc. But at night, all hell breaks loose.

She simply will not sleep.

I'm off work for another two weeks (had three in total) but even now my wife has told me to try to sleep through the nights so I can be fresh to do washing, cooking, cleaning etc. during the day which I am happy to do, but it's hitting her so hard overnight and I hate to see her like it. I feel useless and like I'm being no help at all.

We had a big teary conversation a couple of nights ago where I'm afraid I said "I don't know if we can do this." I feel awful about it, and the situation as a whole is just so down.

I'm probably just talking about what happens with babies in general but I'm looking for any tips or advice to make this easier. I'm scared for my wife, she's 100% devoted to the baby even at the cost of her own mental well-being.

Hi, i'm new here but i thought i'd join after reading your message.
Our daughter was 1 on the 21st. You most certainly 'can do it'.
It takes a lot out of you but the effort is rewarded in the months to come
It's slightly early but definitely look at a sleep/feed routine in a few weeks maybe (we started at week 3 using 'The Little Ones' sleep guides), it will make the day (and night) more manageable and more predictable

I don't know if we can do this

Unfortunately, this isn't an option - it's a case of working out what works for the three of you.

My husband found that understanding why baby does things was quite useful - for example, feeding at night causes increases in the hormone prolactin in mum, which increases milk production so that there's plenty there for baby as she gets bigger and wants more - therefore evolution means they have feeding frenzies at night (plus cluster feeding) in order to help mum have a plentiful supply.

The Wonder Weeks book and app has also been a great tool in understanding what's going on when baby has seemingly random spells of being difficult.

Trial and error will be your friend (and what works one week may not work the next!). We found that our next to me crib was a real game changer though for night time sleep. Things also naturally really improved at about 6 weeks.

At the end of the day, your baby is still very new and the world is a big and daunting place. Likewise, being a parent is big and daunting for you two.

Can you get out and about a bit? Maybe both of you could go to a breast feeding drop in group? Chat to other very new parents, chat about what works and doesn't work for them etc.

The first 6 weeks are the hardest, but it gets easier. The early newborn days are relentless with little reward but once they start smiling, it makes it all worthwhile.

Don't forget your health visitor is there for both of you in terms of support as well.

ditto on the next 2 me bed, ours is actually still in a cot, with the side down, next to the bed as it makes the night feeds seamless. She can be lifted out before she's agitated, fed and slid back in and back to sleep asap

I have a 3-month-old. In the first few weeks the nights were crazy. I would doze downstairs on the sofa with baby in a cot next to it. I found it hard to sleep properly due to the baby waking up so often for feeding. It's perfectly normal and just a phase to get through, unfortunately.

By getting a good night's sleep himself, my husband was able to look after us both in the day. I had breakfast in bed each morning, washing done, meals cooked. He'd also have the baby in a carrier, rocking him to sleep so I could crash out for 2 or 3 hours.

We soon got to a stage where the baby would only wake up two or three times a night and we joined my husband upstairs in the bedroom. I'm sure you'll get to the same place, but I agree it's good for you to get sleep so you can look after then both in the day.

I had the cot wedged up against the bed with the side off. Big sheet around the cot mattress and across the bed under me so no chance of a gap.
It takes at least 3 weeks to get feeding established IME. Feeding little and often is normal and your wife should be eating, drinking and resting during this time.
You can help by doing everything else but also getting some sleep at night.
Baby doesn't necessarily need a nappy change with every feed, sometimes it is easier to get back to sleep with as little disturbance as possible.
Keep a night light on low.
You can do it. It gets better.

Look at safe co-sleeping and feeding laying down (obviously your wife, not you). Try cuddling baby while she gets some sleep before you go to bed or early in the morning if you can, skin to skin cuddles will help soothe baby and help you and baby bonding. She’s right though that sleeping at night and taking care of her/housework stuff during the day will help her. And remember this isn’t forever, my second was a terrible sleeper, I was permanently sleep deprived for about 2 years but I survived, you just do, and it will get easier, the first couple of months are the hardest as that’s when breastfeeding is being established. We’re having dc3 in a few weeks and starting the whole sleepless cycle again.

What a lovely person you are! You absolutely can do it. Babies are new to the world and need their mum/foodsource on demand.

You sound like you're doing a great job already. I cried for about 6 weeks or so after baby was born. I was so overcome with love and pride and exhaustion. It is difficult but within a few weeks when baby is able to drink more, they'll sleep better too. Their bellies are very little so they need it often!

Swaddling helps baby feel safe! They are so used to being in a small and comofortable space that they don't realise they're outside really or that they have limbs and everything can be quite overwhelming for them!

Congrats on your baby!

Don't underestimate how much it helps to have someone cleaning, shopping, cooking and doing the washing. That makes a huge difference.
Always cook double quantities and fill the freezer with easy meals.
Stock up with non perishables too.
My dh couldn't take more than a couple of days off work, so he used to come home via the supermarket. Thank goodness.
You are helping.
Keep posting.

It does help to remember that your baby doesn't know that it is night time, or that she is supposed to sleep. Unfortunately.

Congratulations on your new baby. Don't worry, It gets easier! Breast feeding is bloody hard work, my midwife told me the baby smells the good milk come in the early hours of the morning and that's why they scream and won't sleep. Also they don't know the difference between day and night yet. I had to express and then bottle feed and it exhausted me, I gave up after 6 weeks. But I didn't have a man around to help. If you want to help, batch cook lots of food so your wife can just grab food out of the fridge. Eating is very important when breast feeding. When you get home from work, make her go for a bath and a nap. As for house work, sack that off! No ones house is tidy when they have a new born. I also got myself a good coffee machine for emergencies. Give it 2 months and you will start to find your routine and things will settle down. If it gets too much there is no shame in giving up on breast feeding. I had terrible Mum guilt but now I can see I needed my sleep in order to be a good/functioning mum to my DD xx

Just to second the posts above saying that you can do and it already sounds like your being amazing. Those first few weeks are so hard but it does pass. I agree that having someone keep on top of the house and keeping the cupboards stocked with food is a godsend.
I also did the sleeping arrangement suggested above with a cot with one side off pushed against the bed. Meant I could feed without really waking up properly. Also take loads of photos. I was so sleep deprived during those first few weeks that I can’t really remember anything. It makes those pictures even more precious!
It will get better soon and make sure you take care of yourself too.

Get your wife to agree on this but you don't have to spend the entire night sleeping in the same room as them. My partner slept a few hours in another room until our daughter started sleeping in 6-7 hour chunks. He initially had a month of work.

Will baby sleep on you / your wife if not in a moses basket or crib? My DS2 was born on 22nd but we've been lucky in that he sleeps a lot just not necessarily in his bed. What's been working for us is taking the night in shifts - DH stays up while I go to bed, lets baby sleep on him and then wakes me for feeds. Then about 2am I've been taking over and staying up while he goes to bed. As someone else said, it helps to understand why baby wants to feed so much and remember that they're so tiny and have never been alone so they want cuddles all the time.

Otherwise, do you have any family that can help during the day so that you can both nap or get things done? Keeping the house clean, cooking meals etc are all helpful but I would say it's letting mum sleep that helps most.

Honestly, it does get so much easier fairly soon. About 6 weeks or so is often a big turning point, but those can be very very long weeks!

I found that the first few months were a blur of thinking "I can't do this" and then realising that I had managed to do it for another day, and another day, and finally we hit the 3 months mark and were in a good routine and actually quite happy.

Keep doing what you're doing. Don't feel guilty about getting a good night's sleep, as long as you then pull your weight during the day so your wife can rest as much as possible. You sound lovely!

You sound so lovely and supportive. There's nothing quite like the shell shock of the early days with your first baby but you and your wife will get through it together! Some great advice above-keep talking to each other, take it day by day and before you know it you'll be months down the line and these days will be a distant memory. Hard to believe now, I'm sure, but it's true!

Get her some snacks and cartons of drink that can be left near her when she is feeding. Take the baby for a walk in a pram or sling while she has a sleep. Just knowing I'd at least get two hours per night probably saved my mental health in those days.

You’re doing great! Babies don’t really sleep well at the start, mainly a survival instinct. I real point to trying to start sleep patterns but I used to have the lighting lower in the evening.

I second the looking at Co sleeping or the next to me cot, made a huge difference to us. My husband collected one on day 5, we still use it.

Being able to bring things when she’s stuck feeding is a huge help, my DH used to bring loads of drinks and snacks within reach when I was feeding. And simply doing the food shopping. Once you go back to work, leaving premade sandwiches, yoghurts, fruit on a plate to grab along with bottles of juice is amazing.

Look into getting out to a breastfeeding cafe, that really can help as you can find out how best to support her (HAAKAA or Nature Bond pump carrying to fridge). It will also allow her to network for additional support.

Finally, newborns are hard work and congratulations!

Google the 4tb trimester. 8 days ago all your baby knew was the inside of your wife’s body. They have no idea about day or night, no idea about anything.

You have to do it. Whether you think you can or not, you have to. Anything else simply isn’t an option. And it’s hard, especially with your first when you’re adjusting to a new normal (I can promise you from experience that it’s very different 2nd and 3rd time around 😊) and you’re not used to existing on so little sleep or, infact, having someone else rely on you. But it does get easier and you get used to it and your body adjusts.

Reading thoroughly about the 4th trimester helped us. We're at 13 weeks now and things are SO different. You can do this, it's not going to be fun and the next few weeks will be a slog. It passed us in a haze to be honest, can barely remember it now! It really does get easier.

I just want to say thank you to everyone for all of these amazing replies. I don't know what else to say right now except thank you hugely.

One more piece of advice? Take photos. Because in 6 weeks you won’t believe they were ever as tiny as they are now. And then you’ll turn round and it’s 2025 and you won’t be able to believe it’s been 6 years...

Been there. Was horiffic. I luckily also have a lovely husband.

My advice- you will survive. Just take it one day at a time.

Is she getting up in the night to feed?
I did this and actually collapsed after a few weeks.

Ended up cosleeping.
I'll find the link to the safe cosleeping guidelines and post it.

When you go back to work it would be super lovely to make her a packed lunch and leave it in the fridge. It's really hard to do anything with a velcro baby.

And what my husband realized was that all the dads at work had mostly gone through the same stuff, so should give you a little bit of leeway (if they are nice)

It's only day 8! Going to have to toughen up I'm afraid. Good luck.

www.laleche.org.uk/safe-sleep-the-breastfed-baby/#safe

Hope this works
It's pretty thorough

Only other thing is say is, mum must be between you and baby. Her hormones are programming her to be alert to baby. You just don't have these, so you are more at risk of turning over onto baby.

Separate duvets for you both, then she can be cozy with baby and you are your own sleeping unit.

We felt exactly the same at this stage - honestly the first thing that helped was my husband going to the spare room. As your wife has said at least then you'd be feeling fresh to cook etc. I didn't mind as like you've also pointed out I was able to doze during the day on the sofa. Things will get easier very soon - I promise!