Wife left me, her 'perfect husband'. Was it inevitable?

[SadDadNW]

Hello. Never been on anything like this before. Am looking for a bit of advice and support.

6 weeks ago my wife of 12 years told me she didn't love me anymore and it wasn't fair to either of us to carry it on. She gave me a few reasons, she said we had nothing in common, we had nothing to talk about and she hadn't felt a connection for a while. I was devastated, pretty silent while she sat there and said it all. After about a 40 minute talk she went upstairs and came down with a bag she had packed and went to stay at her mothers. I stood for a long time just watching the dry patch on the drive where her car should of been. I didn't even cry until the next day, i was so shocked by it. She told me i had done nothing wrong, i had been a perfect husband for her, and perfect father to our 2 young children.

When we met i knew we were quite different, she came from more of a fragmented family, her parents were separated, she had moved around a lot as a child so she wasn't well educated, she had tatoo's lived in a run-down flat. All of this was absolutely fine to me, i fell in love with her upbeat personality and it didn't matter we wern't a perfect match, we loved each other and i loved looking after her. I helped teach her to drive, we bought a house, and eventually had 2 perfect kids.

The last 12 months however started to show a growing divide between us. Its pretty obvious now in hindsight, but living through it i was so desperate to make it work for the families sake i would have done anything. She was always as long as we knew each other tired after work, and would often go to bed really early, sometimes 9pm on a saturday night. This would sometimes cause friction, but not to the point of it being a problem. I accepted her for who she was. I would do all the housework, cook her tea almost every night, because i knew she would be too tired to do any of it herself.

Anyway, about 6 months ago she mentioned in conversation she was Bi. I was pretty shocked by this, she was always a bit of a tom-boy but i wouldn't go as far as to say she was 'butch' or anything. I accepted her of course, she told me it wouldn#t change anything, she just found women attractive. Despite my insecurities about not being enough for her etc i tried to make it part of our relationship, i would get pictures of girls on my phone, say 'do you like her?' etc so it would be something we could share. Around the same time she always told me she wanted some more tattoos. She knew i didn't like them but she insisted it was her body and it was up to her. Despite some too-ing and fro-ing she got them in the end. I hated this so much but again, i tried to make it something we could do together, i said when she got more could i help her pick, make it something we could do together.

On top of these little rebellions against me i was also starting to feel really left out. We have always had our own social circles, with some mutual friends, but the last 6 months had really started to see her going out with her mates, but when it came to me it would be staying in and watching tv, or something chilled out like the cinema. I sat her down one day and said i could do the more exciting things too, but the conversation went really badly, and it the end made things much worse. She said i was paranoid and didn't trust her, which isn't what i was saying. I was worried she saw me as this boring stay-in-the-house dad who she didn't want to have nights out with.

We had a big argument in Sept and i ended up sleeping downstairs for a week while we had a cool off. After that week though we started slowly bringing it back, just holding hands at first, then hugging, kissing and finally sex. In fact the last 2 months before the end were brilliant, we were having sex several times a week, she seemed a lot more 'into it' too.

Anyway, im nearly done here, so bare with me. I have never snooped on her, but about a week ago, i couldn't help myself. I couldn't understand how she could walk out on the family after everything. So i checked her Facebook, she hasn't changed her password so i logged in as her. I felt ashamed doing it but i had to know. I found a conversation between her and a young girl in her early 20's. They were talking about how in love they were, how amazing the night they spent together was, how my wife couldn't wait to introduce her to our kids. This was obviously a kick in the guts to me, we had been separated for about 5 weeks but a part of me was still hoping she might snap out of this, that she might be going through depression or something and was focusing it on me. I have been worried sick about her, and she was with someone else the whole time. I feel like a fool.

Any advice and support welcome. The thing that's killing me is, was this always going to happen? If not now, somewhere down the line? Could she not help it, is this how she is wired? Does she get a free pass because its a woman?

If a woman had written this post at least 50% of this would be about the children, but apart from them existing as "2 perfect kids" you don't talk about them at all. Has she taken them or left you with them? They must be young...

Sorry - cross post due to internet connection dropping off!

You've grown apart, that's all. It happens. Lifelong monogamy is hard to maintain for most people, especially when you met at 21. She clearly wants to explore her interest in women and (I'm guessing/projecting here) wants to enjoy herself while she's still young enough to do it.
Breaking up hurts like fuck but it's something that most couples with young kids face at some point or another. You'll live.

Sorry but you sound like you were far from the perfect husband. You sound controlling and insecure. I am telling you not to kick you when you are doing but because this is something you will need to work for future relationships.

Your wife had an affair and left though - this is her fault.

2boysDad has given you good practical advice.

No, she doesn't get a free pass because she's a woman. What she's doing is shitty. Your post does sound odd - you have chosen phrases which suggest you thought of yourself as her protector/ rescuer / dad ... The relationship sounds off kilter dispute her being the money earner and you the stay at home parent carrying the mental load. Looking for things to do together, hating tattoos but getting on board with them so you could do something together. It's a wee bit peculiar. The word rebelling especially, as others say ...

Possibly it was inevitable.

Possibly you treated her like a spoilt teen needing allowances due to exam pressure or upheaval - that's a lot what it sounds like!

However she's done wrong by your kids and by you in that she wasn't straight with you.

Just move on, be sure you get the house of she's assuming that you do the lions share of parenting and she pays child support and divorce ASAP. It doesn't sound as though you were healthy for one another.

I can't comment on your relationship, but I do understand what you mean by "rebellion"and I don't assume the phrase implies you were controlling. When I was unhappy with my ExP, I rebelled from the things that had become expected of our relationship. I didn't go for tattoos and women, but I tried out different clothes, different (silly) turns of phrase, hung out with new people etc. When I broke up with him, my ExP, in turn, rebelled by doing all the things he knew I didn't like. We had grown apart and we both needed to "rebel" to figure out what we each actually wanted for ourselves.

@SadDadNW apply for a residency order and move on!!! Most women would KILL to have a man like you!! I'm early 20s my DH is late 30s, trust me you will be fine in the dating world 😊

I think coming on here might have been a mistake. I was started to get my head around it but now this had made me feel worse. My heart was pounding reading some of the replies. I'm not sure if its a case of me not conveying the relationship well or just some keyboard warriors looking for a fight.

The thing is, i know i have been a good husband. I wasn't perfect, of course not, i only put that in commas in the title because that is what she said to me on the night she left. I did my best for her, i picked up up from the city if she went on a night out, i looked after her when she often ill/tired. She went to festivals and things without me, i always trusted her.

The tattoo thing, could i have handled it better? Yes probably, but isnt that give and take, compromise? Its easy to sit there and say i was out of line, trying to control her, but if you were doing something you knew your spouse hated, are they not entitled to argue their case? Same with the Bi thing, showing her pictures of women, maybe it comes across as weird or creepy, but i was trying to be part of her changing personality, i could see no other way of doing that. She seemed to respond to it well enough at the time, she would tell me what she thought.

She had total freedom, total control over herself, the money all that. I had no access to the online banking so there is no issue with me checking her spending or anything like that.

You sound like a perfectly nice guy and a decent husband. My abusive mandar isn't going off. I just think you grew apart. I'm not a big fan of lifelong monogamy as a concept myself and I see it failing to work in pretty much everyone I know - couples either split or aren't particularly happy/fulfilled.
Time to accept that the relationship is over and start moving on.

Im surprised by the responses as i read the op and was sure this was a wind-up.

Your wife was a lazy woman and a cheat.

You are far better off without that waste of space

I think coming on here might have been a mistake. I was started to get my head around it but now this had made me feel worse. My heart was pounding reading some of the replies. I'm not sure if its a case of me not conveying the relationship well or just some keyboard warriors looking for a fight. It seems you will consider any option other than the one that your own behaviour contributed to this outcome. You are really patronising about and towards your ex.

Already thinking of dating when she's only been moved out 3 weeks??

You must be so heartbroken

You know a woman can be bi or lesbian without being butch, right?

I can't decide if you are completely controlling or have just picked some really poor word choices to use to describe your relationship.

At any rate, cheating is wrong but people change and marriages end. You cannot control who she is or what she does. You just need to accept that your marriage has ended and behave with dignity towards her and the divorce process.

On the off chance that you are a bit controlling or perhaps see yourself in a 'better light' as a husband than you should, I'd suggest seeing a counselor to deal with not only the breakup of your marriage, but also to do a 'personal inventory' to be sure you are being the best 'you' that you can be.

You grew apart and I think your wife changed the most. Move on with self respect

Sounds tough. Just sounds like she cheated to me and has now decided to leave as a result.

From what you've said, I think in the long term, once you have mourned the relationship, you will be happier without her. You did lots of things to keep her happy. What did she do to keep you happy?

@SadDadNW Firstly you have my sympathies, being cheated on and being left is truly awful.

Secondly having read your post I think controlling is the wrong word to describe you. In the nicest possible way I think you have (unintentionally) suffocated her, with the way you’ve described your affections I would feel quite claustrophobic in this relationship.

You met when she was only 21 she’s had more rocky childhood in comparison to yours and I’m sure it was your calm caring and steady nature that attracted her to you in the first place. I speak from experience here as I met someone like you when I was young (18) I also had a childhood similar to your wife. My ex was naturally caring, very hands on with doing stuff for me, spoiled me with attention, steady, dependable, settled, came from a family with a lovely mum, parents still together etc. He wasn’t remotely my type but somehow the way he cared for me I ended up falling for him. It lasted 5 years and in that time I grew up and changed and what felt like being cared for soon came to feel like being suffocated. The more I changed, the more independent I became, the harder he tried and the harder he tried the more trapped I felt. I did talk to him many times and no matter what I said he couldn’t or wouldn’t hear me...I left. No kids but had a house we had not long bought, I felt so awful about leaving I left it all to him.

I can understand why you feel you haven’t done anything wrong because on the face of it you haven’t. However right now she’s the bird and your the cage and there isn’t anything you can do to change that. Honestly my best advice is to give her space, be civil, don’t ask questions that don’t need to be asked (it will only give you information to torture yourself with) and concentrate on making a new relationship with her that consists of Co parenting your children amicably.

You know the saying of if you truly love something set it free, I think that it applies here. Maybe she will come back, maybe she won’t, but I’m certain she’ll never come back if coming back means being back in a cage.

You are much better off without her

She sounds like a selfish waste of space

Get your ducks in a row money wise and kids wise

File for divorce

Lose weight

You will be fine - I think you've dodged a bullet

It doesn't really sound as though you were well suited. You're more mature, settled, responsible and laid back. She's rather self centred, immature, selfish and thoughtless. She's also bi or lesbian and has just decided to go down that route.

It's not uncommon you know, OP. I know a woman who was married for sixteen years with two dc, and her H suddenly decided he was gay and went right off the rails. She was devastated and they divorced. I also know a man whose wife came out and got a gf (and then another gf)!

So don't rush into dating and make another mistake. Choose more wisely next time and make sure you pick someone more suitable.

"I think coming on here might have been a mistake."

You should have reversed gender when you posted and called yourself "SadMumNW". I doubt if you had done that, that anyone would have had the nerve to call you controlling. Anyhow too late now.

Ignore the loons on this thread and crack on with your life.

Look forward not backwards & as several people have said - you need to get your ducks in a row ASAP. It would not be a surprise if one day soon she refuses to "return her kids" when you go to pick them up, especially once she realises that she'll now start having to pay maintainence for them. Just think how that would make you feel....

You're the only one acting like an adult here - you have to be the one who is strong for your kids.

2boysDad if a woman had written that post, would they have written "DH said he was bi, so I shared pictures of boys with him and asked if he liked them, so we'd have something in common" ?

Quite apart from the fact that if a woman had written it a large chunk of the openning and later posts would have been about the kids - how they're taking their other parent's departure, questions they are asking, telling school, behaviour changes, emotions... The op here barely mentions the kids as people seriously impacted. They'd be a woman's main concern, not getting back to dating after 3 weeks...

If a woman had posted that she'd enabled a man child to continue acting like a spoilt teen the way the op dop describes doing with his wife she would have been pulled up by at least a few posters though the vocabulary might have been different.

The main thing that strikes me though is the lack of concern for the emotional impact on the children. Just name changing wouldn't have convinced anyone this was a genuine female poster.

"Despite these little rebellions against me"

Wtf? I was with you until that point, excusing your remarks about her background and tattoos but that line made it 100% clear that you are either a genuine control freak with a God complex or a troll hoping to stir up the whole "you wouldn't say that if the OP was a woman" argument.

Hi there,
People have been a bit harsh with you on here. There’s not a model of how a perfect marriage works. There’s all sorts of power relationships and hierarchies about different aspects going on. My wife abruptly left me in 2017 for her 14 year older than her boss, not long after her Dad died, so I obviously wasn’t enough of a father figure for her. I suppose the one observation I’d make is, possibly like yours, I don’t think my wife was a fully formed adult when I met her.