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Original poster

help from dad's been falsely accused of dv

49 replies

dd1987 · 09/09/2016 18:35

Hi... I am a female in need of help.

My ex and I have had a crazy relationship. Full of so much love neither of us could handle it. I was constantly pushing him away. He would end up online cheating and it went over and over.

When i was pregnant last year I found out he had cheated online again. So I punched him in the head in rage.... he then punched me in the stomach, smashed my phone etc etc and the police were called I had to make a statement and didnt press charges he got a caution.

I had the baby and all seemed okay. He then went into a rage one morning at 5 am as I hadn't made his lunch. He put his hand around my throat and went to punch me. Then tried to run off with the baby with no where to go with him.

I sought help to stop him from taking the baby. I was told to go to the police for a crime ref number to then apply for a prohibitive steps order. Long story short I couldn't get one.

I have everyone tossing this term domestic.violence at me left right and centre and it's not correct.

We had a row that got out of control.

He plead not guilty to dv at court yesterday and now I am supposed to stand up in court as a witness and give evidence that he is guilty. I refuse. If I don't go I may be arrested.

I don't know where to turn. The guy was a shit boyfriend to me overall. But domestic violence it is not. I've read all the leaflets and that does not sum our relationship up. Also social services are not happy with me and investigating further as they as concerned I do not understand domestic violence. The problem is I do. It's just not correct. What do I do now?

They have insisted on pushing this and won't listen to me. They wanted bail conditions set so I made it that he can contact me for child contact and come to my adress for access. This has worked well for the past 2 months. Now at the hearing yesterday the judge decided to revoke it and he is not allowed any more. Dispite no further issues. He doesn't have any where to take my son to see him so until the trial he won't be able to. Any advise appreciated.

OP posts:

MooPointCowsOpinion · 09/09/2016 19:16

Errrr there's so much love between me and my husband, I've had 'so much love' in past relationships too, and never ever has a man laid a hand on me.

He doesn't love you, he is an arsehole, and your son deserves a good role model. The kind who testifies against a violent man to bring him to justice.

merrymouse · 09/09/2016 19:17

However much you may see the situation as 'just having a row', when you were with your partner your child had a home where an adult or both adults were violently out of control and your child was not safe.

It is their job to protect your child and it doesn't sound as though they have done anything wrong,

Original poster

dd1987 · 09/09/2016 19:17

We are no longer in the relationship. Nor will we be!

The term domestic abuse covers a widea range of controlling behaviours. None of which are applicable to our relationship.

We had two very heated arguements in 4 years of being together and we are both in the wrong. Hence why we can not continue in a relationship. I'm not stupid.

Hitting a child is not okay... so now I've gone from this to apparently condoning attacking a child in your opinion. No!!

OP posts:

WhisperingLoudly · 09/09/2016 19:19

He punched you in the stomach when you were pregnant. How can you even begin to make excuses for that

NameChange30 · 09/09/2016 19:19

Violence is controlling. If you had stayed with him, you would have modified your behaviour in order to avoid provoking a violent rage or a violent attack from him.

You would make him lunch without fail, for example.

ayeokthen · 09/09/2016 19:19

Hiding this thread now, feel like I'm banging my head off a brick wall. OP, you carry on kidding yourself. Your child won't thank you for it.

merrymouse · 09/09/2016 19:20

You sound as though you are normalising the behaviour and it isn't normal.

Those were not 'heated arguments', they were dangerous and violent.

MakeMyWineADouble · 09/09/2016 19:21

Dd1987. Pp weren't saying you agreed with hitting children they were trying to show you what happened to you wasn't right and was abuse by swapping your role for that of a child

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 09/09/2016 20:06

I punched him in the head in rage.... he then punched me in the stomach, smashed my phone etc etc

He put his hand around my throat and went to punch me.

This is DV and you are both out of control, I see so much anger and aggression, but not 'so much love' here.

Also social services are not happy with me and investigating further as they as concerned I do not understand domestic violence.

You don't.

PovertyPain · 10/09/2016 01:20

Hitting a child is not okay... so now I've gone from this to apparently condoning attacking a child in your opinion. No!!

You don't get it, do you, OP?
How is it ok to hit you, but not hit your child?
Are you worth less than your child?
How do you know that this is not what the future holds for your child?
What age should your child be, before his daddy's love for him is so passionate that he can't help smacking, punching, slapping, grabbing, etc, him?

ptumbi · 10/09/2016 09:52

The term domestic abuse covers a widea range of controlling behaviours. None of which are applicable to our relationship. - it also covers violence. Which IS applicable to your relationship.

What are you asking in this thread? He IS violent. It IS Domestic Abuse/Violence, however you try to minimise it. He SHOULD be prosecuted, and SHOULD go to prison for it. If he'd done it to me, or to anyone in the street, he would be put away.

With a punch to the belly while pregnant, your child could have died then.

With a choke to the throat, you could have died - it is VERY very easy to cause death by strangulation - it's not the cutting off of the airways necessarily, but crushing the blood vessels to the brain, a break in one of the small bones of the vertebra... it's a MAJOR red flag to DV officers!

Your child IS at risk from him. He SHOULD NOT have unsupervised access to your child, Preferably in a contact centre (solely as a result of him being a violent thug) If you don't agree, or try to minimise this to SS, your child MAY be taken away, for his own safety. (Becuase you do not understand why he is at risk)

Your relationship was NOT 'full of love' in any way. It was full of hate - he hates women, you hate him. You should get counselling, to find out why you are confusing love and hate. What was your childhood like? What were your role models?

Casimir · 15/09/2016 09:56

you punched him in the head in rage. New research, so more needed, indicates 60% of DV is initiated by women

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 15/09/2016 10:02

I have never met a woman who describes themselves as "a female"

BertieBotts · 15/09/2016 10:07

What the hell was your childhood like to view this as 'an argument that got out if control'?

hoddtastic · 15/09/2016 10:12

so much love hun

Kewcumber · 15/09/2016 10:18

This is domestic violence and social services will be very concerned that you don't recognise that. Be very very careful that you don't fall into the trap of losing your child whilst trying to justify why a little bit of violence isn't domestic violence, that only controlling behaviour, regular violence or physical injuries are real domestic violence.

"I am supposed to stand up in court as a witness and give evidence that he is guilty" - no, you have to stand up in court and tell the truth about what happened, not your version of what you think just the plain unvarnished facts of what happened. It is for someone else to decide if/what he is guilty of.

Lelloteddy · 19/10/2016 21:43

Casemiro interested in links to the research you mentioned if you could post them please?

FifaFater · 24/10/2016 20:45

Ok, first off I want to say that i'm not disagreeing with anyone above, this is DV, however you are both guilty of it. Don't see this as DV as a one way street, the stigma isn't that he's abusive and you're a victim, you have both been violent to each other, and if I get this right you hit him first originally?

From the socials POV you now defending his actions as not DV is a red flag, they think you are scared of him, and he's had access to you and your home regularly so intimidation could be occuring (it does happen).

You probably see the grey here more than most, people see DV, or no DV, without considering the context between the lines, there are guys who are deemed as woman beaters for, while getting pumbled pushing their way past the woman while trying to escape and knocking her down (I've seen a case like that), however that said you need to understand the social see violence and take a no risk approach.

My advice, turn up, be 100% honest on what has occured, but if you like state your opinion rationally on what you feel you would like to happen going forward.

Good luck!!!

OlennasWimple · 24/10/2016 20:54

My DD's birth mother didn't agree with SS that she was a victim of domestic violence. She had a series of relationships that were physically violent (maybe "only" once or twice in each relationship). She was punched in the stomach when she was pregnant. She point blank refused to accept that what had happened to her could be classified as DV.

She has lost three children as a result, as SS could not be satisfied that she could keep them safe, when she repeatedly got into violent relationships, refused to engage with SS in any meaningful way to address their concerns (because SS were wrong, in her eyes), and lied to SS about her relationships to try to hide them.

OP - don't be like her, please.

MycatsaPirate · 24/10/2016 21:00

Both of you have serious issues. Punching in the head? Punching in the stomach? Throttling?

If you keep insisting that this is not DV then expect SS to hang around you and your child for a very, very long time.

eyebrowsonfleek · 24/10/2016 21:09

Are you in denial because you aren't in legal trouble like your ex and your guilt is leading you to minimise things?

As the others have said - what happened was domestic violence. No question about it. Even if it happened once, it's domestic violence.

"Too much love" is nonsense. I know someone in a dv situation who claims that they are "too passionate" which is just as ridiculous. A relationship without any violence is the only acceptable type. Everyone deserves that.

AyeAmarok · 24/10/2016 21:12

This is a violent relationship and if neither of you can see your actions are violent and put your child at risk (he punched you in the stomach when pregnant - so he punched your unborn child then?), then neither of you should have the child in your care. That is why Social Services are involved, and thank god they are.

So much love... I hope neither of you have the same amount of love for the child

Horridhenryrules · 07/11/2016 22:11

OP if you lost the child after he punched you in the stomach how would you feel about it then?

thetreesarebare · 02/02/2017 10:40

"Female" . Of course it's DV. You know it, as does your ex, the police, the court, all of us. No matter how much you try to justify yourself it is DV.

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