What do you pay to your ex?

[MrStranger]

Hi. New to this board.

Im wondering what separated dads pay their ex's when they leave.

I pay £1500 a month to cover the mortgage and bills. I then have my own rent and bills on top of that, plus cost of living and travel to central London for work.

This has been going on for 4 years, and I simply can't afford it any more, and I am going to have to lose the flat and find a flatshare.

Whilst I obviously want the very best for my 2 children, and I want them to remain in our house, I'd be interested in what other men pay to support their ex's.

I should point out that this is an entirely voluntary arrangement, and no court was involved.

You have been very good to support her in this way, but I do think talking about it and explaining your need to keep the flat. Surely she would worry about the kids coming to stay with you if there is no where for them to sleep? Is that even possible at your friend's house?

You need to work out what the maximum you can pay without taking away your rent and necessities. Offer that and see what she says, but do make it clear you wish you could continue the current amount, but it simply isn't do-able. She will know she has it better than most, I am sure. Hopefully she won't cause a fuss and will be understanding. Good luck.

You sound a decent person and value the "relationship" that you have developed since the split. My ex has made me fight for everything - funnily enough we dont have a good relationship and my DS is the one who suffers as a result. I receive more than you pay, but ex earns a lot, I gave up a very good career and I am not rolling in it. That money covers our bills, and means that DS has a similar-ish standard of living in both households. A factor that the court does take into account quite rightly. I don't have a new relationship but if new man is living with your ex then yes it is appropriate that he contribute fully financially towards the household. That is a conversation that would be worth having - any court settlement would normally take that into account.

Have you actually sat down with your ex and said these payments are not feasible anymore? Where do you see your children? Do you have them overnight and if not, why not? How can you build a future for yourself with your kids if you dont have anywhere for them or you to sleep, and live in? Surely she must realise that things must change.
Even if you paid £500 less, that would be much more feasible for you. You dont just have to think of the children, you also have to think of YOU, and in turn that DOES affect the children as their daddy has a place where they can visit and stay.

If only everyone thought like you.

We receive £1.78 a week

I don't need to tell you what that pays for

Trouble is though the mortgage is an agreement with you and the bank, so you can't add that on to your maintenance, as Crotch said.

I imagine that your share of the mortgage is actually around £600-1000, assuming she is paying half as well?

So you are paying around £500-900 for maintenance? Or did you take on all of the mortgage?

The problem with people is rather than be glad of others in our life who go that extra mile for us-- most become entitled

It appears to be working v well for your ex up to now, I'm sure she is resistant to any change

Will she make it difficult for you to see your dc?

You cannot go on like this, what about you?

How old are your children? I think your wife needs to work more than two days a week.

Several things concern me in what you're posting.

You talk about good equity in the property. Are you divorced and financially seperated?

Do you have written agreement that when your youngest is 18 or 21 she will leave the marital home? Isn't the average age for children leaving home now about 30. What is your house exit plan?

You have the right to a life . Your DC need to have safe space to stay with you on access visits and this is very important too.

Life needs to move forwards for you, you need to have money to take the DC out, go on holiday, plan for your future, put money away for a university fund/ wedding fund for the DC etc.

Have you sat down and calculated how much money your XW probably has access too by using one of the benefits calculator tools? Now look at your own available cash - do the amounts seam balanced?

Regarding her partner moving in. If he does she would no doubt loose all benefits so he would be taking on a significant financial role in the blended family without any adjustment in your payments.

Finally you can renegotiate many things in life, including mortgages within the contract period. It takes a phone call. Ideally after searching around and seeing what other deals are out there. If your current provider has a newer better deal on offer they may let you swap to it if you agree to a new tie in period. Whats the worst that could happen?

you are paying way way too much, how ridiculous.the amount you are paying is most peoples full wage!

Lioninthesun
"I think some of the posts here are clearly from men who are assuming she is spending the money on a rather expensive manicure every month, clearly hmm."

Your prejudice is showing.

i pay 400GBP a month, any school trips clubs for two girls, i buy all there clothes or pay them to shop online, ex wife gets them nothing pays for nothing for them, always on the cadge moaning she has no money .. asking for money early..

This is a zombie thread. It's 3 years old.

do you not like an old thread popping back up then

3 years later, the other posters have moved on and the conversation is no longer relevant to their current circumstances.

Rather than post on a stale thread that ended so long ago, it's better to create your own thread to be bitter about your ex on where a timely conversation can be had.