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Calling all readers! Please can I have your feedback?

35 replies

Racka · 10/08/2007 11:12

I have been writing a (hopefully) amusing blog from the perspective of my baby who is bent on my total destruction. It's just a bit of fun but family and friends urge me to try and get it published. It's impossible for me to take their praise seriously given who they are, but I thought some relative strangers such as yourselves would be able to review it objectively and honestly. I really want some impartial advice. If you have any spare time (a rare thing, I know) I'd be eternally grateful for your thoughts. If you do choose to read it, please can you read it in chronological order, starting with 'Welcome to My World', the link's below. This is a big ask, I know so no problem if it's ignored!

Thank you.

www.breakingmummy.blogspot.com

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Racka · 16/08/2007 21:28

Oregonian, that is such a good idea! I'm going to work that in at some point in the future.

Stuffy, those blogs are very good , cheers for pointing them out.

Desi & kathy - please don't fight, it's all subjective (apart from the grammatical errors)!

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meandmyflyingmachine · 16/08/2007 21:29

I also disagree with Desiderata .

I really enjoyed it.

I would prefer it as a weekly column-type thing though, rather than a whole book.

Sort of like you're doing now really, but in print... So I'm not much help .

bookwormtailmum · 16/08/2007 21:52

Tbh I don't know about any writing competitions but sometimes you see leaflets in local libraries or bookstores run them sometimes. It might be worth looking at some publishing websites in the UK to get an idea of what they're looking for. A parenting magazine is a good idea as well.

Racka · 16/08/2007 21:54

It's all helpful.

I've thought of Prima Baby, does anyone have any idea of any mags that might go for this kind of thing (when edited properly)?

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bookwormtailmum · 16/08/2007 22:52

The NCT magazine I used to get had a columnist at the back of it and there was a local version as well. Pop into a newsagent and have a look .

RoxyNotFoxy · 17/08/2007 01:23

Roxy: 'It also means attention to detail - e.g. "luxuriantly" doesn't mean the same thing as "luxuriously".'

Racka: 'RoxyNotFoxy - Oops! Where did I make that particular gaffe? That's embarrassing.'

'Amy had snuck into the rabbit run and was napping luxuriantly and peacefully amongst a huddle of new warm and cosy friends.'

Since you seem to be open to criticism, I'll try to encapsulate mine in some observations about the sentence I quoted. Because I'm aware that what I said in my last post is probably so vague as to be unusable. So, at the risk of telling you more than you ever wanted to know, I'll disembowel that sentence.

Your idea of a conspiracy of babies against mummies is a good one, but it must be consistent with what we see babies habitually doing. They can't act out of character. If your book is read by mummies, they must be able to say, "So that's what my baby is up to when she does that". You must turn babies' well-known characteristics into a weapon.

Every word counts. While "luxuriously" would be grammatically correct, it would be a stylistic failure, because it conjures up an image of someone taking up a lot of space, lying full-length with their hands behind their head. Babies curl up and merge with the landscape. "Snuck" is also the wrong word. It's something older children might do. Babies gurgle and crawl around with open intent. They go where they're not supposed to go, but they do it without any subterfuge. They know what they're doing of course - it's all part of the conspiracy - but it has the appearance of innocence. They're always wide-eyed. They're astonished when someone picks them up and puts them somewhere else. So my advice is: lose the "snuck". Amy clambered in amongst the rabbits and fell asleep as if it was her right. Somehow you have to convey that, but you have to do it with a turn of the wrist. You can't go on too long.

If I can borrow your word for a moment, your writing is often too luxuriant. It sprouts too many shoots. That sentence is one case, where you are firing off double-adverbs - "luxuriantly and peacefully" - and double-adjectives - "warm and cosy". This over-describing is an example of unsureness in the writing, which really stems from a lack of vividness. The excess of words only approximately achieves what you want - to evoke the image. Word-wise, the sentence is an expensive flop. Too many passenger-words.

I could pull out other examples from your blog and do the same with them, but I've probably over-used my critic's privilege as it is. So I'll shut up now.

fiddlemama · 17/08/2007 01:54

Can't entirely agree Foxy. Many babies at the older crawling stage do indeed sleep "luxuriously". I have a gorgeous 'photo of my DD1 age 4 months fast asleep on her back with both arms flug above her head. She also on her first Christmas, aged 8 months used to "sneak" (there really is no other word for it) up to the Christmas tree and touch one of the lower decorations with a cheeky "nooo!" whilst looking over her shoulder to see if we were watching!

I do agree though that a "punchier" style would help the flow.

It's a great idea and good luck with it!

fiddlemama · 17/08/2007 01:57

flung even! But the image sits awkwardly beside the "huddle" of new, warm and cosy friends.

Niecie · 17/08/2007 02:29

I thought it was great and very funny. Yes it might have been a bit wordy but then I am guilty of using 6 words when 1 would do so it isn't necessarily something that puts me off. But I am no expert as some of these other posters obviously are (Very skilled dismantling of the sentence RoxynotFoxy). The one thing that jarred for me was the use of 'one' instead of 'I'. Not sure why; I just felt it didn't fit.

My worry with it is how you would spin it out for a whole book. Where is the plot going? The total breakdown of the mother? Where would it go from there - would the child have a change of heart and take pity on the mother?

I was thinking that there are parenting blogs on the Parentcenter.com website which might be the sort of thing you could aim for if you don't think you could do a whole. They have writers posting weekly updates and thoughts on parenting. It is an American site - not sure if there is something similar in the UK.

Racka · 17/08/2007 08:41

Roxy - I'm totally with you on the over-description and I take your point on the style, which I'm aware I lapse in and out of here and there, however I want the children to be a little cartoon-esque so when the ridiculous happens (Rosie riding a pig, for example!) the readers have alread suspended their disbelief enough to accept the absurdity of it.

I do think I should think more about a baby's characteristics and give them more sinisiter motives - thanks for the tip. And thanks for taking the time to give me such useful and constructive criticism. Who needs editors when you have Mumsnet?

Niecie - I started using 'one' because I wanted the baby to be precocious and a little pompous, but if I use it all the time it becomes a burden and difficult to read, so I switch between them, which I know is inconsistent so I'll probably stick with 'I' or just use 'one' when Rosie's being self-aggrandising.

I didn't start the blog with the idea of it becoming a book, but since I've thought about it I'd planned that Mummy would be sectioned and then Rosie would soften up. All very schmaltzy, but there would be plenty of cruelty along the way to balance it out.

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