I witnessed a domestic violence incident and didn't do anything

[Ifeelsickk]

I can't stop thinking about last night. I recently moved to a new area and the house is on an estate.

DP and I went for a walk. Had heard neighbours arguing all evening, when we were out of the house it sounded as though he was hitting her down a different street. They were both drunk and screaming abuse at each other. Things about betrayal and no food in the house and run back to mummy then.

She then limped down the street slowly. After a couple of minutes he came out of nowhere and dragged her back to their house, first by the arm, then the neck.

Then it was quiet.

I didn't intervene. I didn't shout. I didn't call the police, although I tried to call 101. That got me nowhere so I filled out a form on the police website. I'm actually struggling to recall the details, I think my mind is trying to block it out.

There was a neighbour in an upstairs flat watching the whole thing as well. Who knows how many other people saw and heard it all go on.

This is how women are murdered by their partners all the time, isn't it? People just stand by and watch. I always thought I'd be the type to intervene, call the police, record the incident, etc etc. But no, I just stood there, rooted on the spot

That poor bloody woman.

You should have called 999 as soon as it was safe to do so.
My friend intervened in a similar situation and the boyfriend hospitalised him, the girlfriend then told the police my friend was lying and her bf is lovely and wouldn’t hurt a fly.
So I do understand not wanting to put yourself in the middle of that situation. Hopefully now it’s reported she manages to get help.

You should have rung 999 obv.

Inteteresting the studies that show people call police when 2 men fighting but not a man attacking a woman. Seen as personal / domestic / maybe drop rooted subconscious ideas about property etc.

Don't feel too bad though op. No one knows how they will react. And anyway. I rang 999 when I saw a young man violently assault a girl he was with, they took 10 mins to answer and they had gone away by then.

Op why on earth didn’t you walk to safety and phone 999 straight away . It seems your making excuses and passing the blame. Oh the neighbour was watching loads of other people must have seen it, she had cctv etc. No it would have taken you seconds to dial 999

I understand not getting involved, I'd probably have done the same.

I don't understand not calling 999.

I hope she's OK

Bystander effect.
Close your eyes, walk away. Someone else will do something.

Inteteresting the studies that show people call police when 2 men fighting but not a man attacking a woman

Because intervention in a “private matter made public” (basically domestic violence made public) typically carries a higher risk to the reporting individual than two blokes who’re clearly trying to “settle a score”.... so the perception of risk is greater.

Incidentally my friend called 999 when she saw a domestic incident between two men who went from kissing to one battering the other viciously in about 5 mins.

Because it was a domestic she felt a “different kind of scared” from calling 999 about that to the typical reporting of fights up and down the high street of where we used to live (Holloway Road).

Perception of risk that one (or both) will turn on you.

I can’t understand why you or your partner didn’t call 999.

I have intervened in things before, possibly stupidly but my instinct was to intervene. The very least people can do when seeing something going on is to contact the appropriate services.

It's called 'the bystander effect'. It's a common response to this type of thing.

This link explains it in more detail:

allthatsinteresting.com/kitty-genovese

Yes people can get murdered when being a bystander, however you could get murdered by intervening.

You made contact with somebody, you shouldn't be feeling "bad" the abuser should be feeling terrible.

Call the police next time you can do it autonomously x

Anonymously 🙄

@NoraEphronsneck Kitty was exactly who I was thinking of when I read this post!

Thank you for the links. It helps to explain a few things.

I know I should have called 999. I know, I know know. But I didn't. I don't know why. All I know is that I was frozen and my mind was blank.

I am angry and disappointed and upset with myself today. I haven't left the house so I don't know how she is.

Whilst I understand you may have both been paralysed whilst it was going on, I cant believe that you would wait till you got home to do something about it. Hopefully the guilt will help if another incident should occur.
How would you feel if this excuse was given by people watching you or a loved one being attacked.

If you didn’t actually get through to 101 yesterday and you only logged the report via a website, what about calling 101 or 999 today and asking if they can send someone to the house?

@PaulHollywoodsSexGut calling the police and alerting them to an incident isn't putting yourself in the middle of the situation. The call could have come from anyone, they will never know, you don't even have to give your name to the police. You seem to be conflating direct intervention with calling for help.

People aren't berating the OP - I'm certainly not, I'm urging her to do something NOW. She could call 101 (admittedly not a 999 issue now) and follow up, and someone might be able to go and check on this woman.

Why don't you phone 101 now, explain your concern?

Yeah totally agree not to late to dial 101.

As a woman who was in a DV relationship please please next time call 999 it could save her life, I would pray someone would have called for me several times over the years and they never did. Thankfully I’m out now, and alive. Please call them OP it’s not too late now

@Bacardi101 I’m so glad you are out now and explain why it is so important that people act and don’t ignore what they see and expect others to act.

@Bacardi101 I was also in that situation and I too was desparate for someone to call the police for me.

OP I echo everything Bacardi says.

How did you get on with 101yesterday OP?