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Victims of crime

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Original poster

Domestic violence with child protection services involved

51 replies

Jadecali · 12/08/2018 15:04

Hi, i am currently pregnant with twins. around a month ago when i was 16 weeks pg me and my partner had an argument/fight that got out of hand. He had slapped me round the back of the head and threatened me with more physical violence. I called the police and moved to my mums for a few weeks. The police said social services were contacted. In my police interview i had told them my partner had been abusive in the past. This was at the start of the relationship and usually it was just arguments that we have both been as bad as each other in and wound each other up to the point of screaming and pushing. Anyway since then no charges have been made and my partner got no further action. We are back living together and things are going a lot better. We both have agreed to stop pushing each others buttons. I had a child support officer round last week and she seemed really concerned that there would be more domestic abuse/violence and she will be possibly applying for a section 47. I know they have the babies best interests in mind but im so scared that they are going to try and take them away. I really dont want to stress at this time while im pregnant. My partner already has an 8 year old who we have joint custody for and she wasnt here on the day of the argument. But he is a great dad to her and i have no fear that her or my twins are in any danger. We have never argued around the 8 year old and we both would put the twins before ourselves. We just have heated moments every once in a while that we really want to work on as we want to be a family. Does anyone have any stories/advice please. I just want to know there could be a positive outcome really? Thanks

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 12/08/2018 17:01

I am sorry to tell you that it is not best to stay as a family. It is very common for this sort of thing to start in pregnancy. Many women really believe their children are not at risk and it is best to stay together. It is not and social services are right to be concerned. Unless you work very well with them to prove that you would not keep the babies in a house with a person where there is ANY violence , including a slap, either to you or from you. then the risks are there. Countless women feel violence to them is not a risk to children, they are wrong

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 17:04

Are you both going on anger management and parenting courses?

Why would OP need anger management? She’s not the one hitting her partner!

BrizzleMaverick · 12/08/2018 17:07

It isn't just about the twins coming to physical harm it is about the emotional trauma they will experience seeing their mother being abused by their father and believing that is what happens in relationships and so the cycle of abuse continues.

I know it is easier said than done but you need to leave and do what is right for yourself and your children.

DewDropsonKittens · 12/08/2018 17:09

Domestic violence is proven to turn physical during pregnancy, it is a loss of control that causes an abuser to 'up the ante'

I advise you to have a look online at the Freedom Program, the effects of domestic violence on children.

Chillyegg · 12/08/2018 17:10

If it happens once it’ll happen again...

Leave

Babies being in a abusive environment are affected and there are studies that show the trauma effects their development

NerrSnerr · 12/08/2018 17:13

So hopefully it won't hurt when he gets cross with one of your children and hits them...

FrancesHaHa · 12/08/2018 17:15

They will be concerned as research shows that abuse escalates in pregnancy. Abuse in pregnancy can also impact unborn children, not just because of the risk of physical damage but also the raised levels of cortisol in your body during an incident of abuse.

They will also be concerned if they think you are minimising what has happened , or are not reporting any further incidents. Please be open and honest with them, they are more able to help you that way.

Incidentally, no one should be going on anger management courses, it's not appropriate when there is domestic abuse

Original poster
Jadecali · 12/08/2018 17:17

The social services have checked with previous partner and there was no dv. He was with the 8 year olds mother till she was 3 years old and he has always been an amazing dad. It ended due to cheating.

OP posts:
Bowlofbabelfish · 12/08/2018 17:20

It won’t stop at that. It never does.

He hit you after an argument this time, which shows that just arguing with you, when he’s had enough sleep and isn’t shattered is enough for him to lose control.

Once those babies are born, you are both going to be tired. Even the calmest couples find new babies tiring and can get a bit grumpy and snappy - dh and I are very calm and even we had a few grumpy words.

So the chances of him being able to control his temper when he’s shattered? What do you think they are? Are you aware of how easy it is to kill a newborn with ‘a slap’ or a shake or rough handling?

SS are right to be concerned. Get this waste of space out of your life now, before these babies arrive.

Domestic violence goes one way only - worse.

Starlight345 · 12/08/2018 17:26

Well regardless you aren’t a good combination together.

Things got so heated you needed to call the police and leave . This is not normal.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 12/08/2018 17:46

So the SW knows you are back together? Did she say that was ok?

A section 47 is a child protection investigation. Health and the police will also be consulted. If he has previous and not declared it that will throw further shade onto you and him!

I know you love him but I doubt it’s going to be the last time he hurts you.

Physical abuse is always accompanied by emotional abuse. You haven’t eloborated in that side of it as you may well not even know what it is or looks like on a daily basis.

Stories like yours are ten to a penny. I know in your heart you long for him to change and be your Prince Charming but that’s never going to happen

I hope you don’t feel too afraid to call the police next time for fear of SS. It happens a lot. It means they get away with it

Did you drop the charges?

Melliegrantfirstlady · 12/08/2018 17:47

Or worse not turn up at court to defend yourself

AnyFucker · 12/08/2018 17:52

My babies safety is my number 1 priority

Nope.

PortiaCastis · 12/08/2018 17:59

Get out now!!
I was in an abusive marriage, the violence started with a clip round the head and dnded with severe facial injuries and the bastard broke my arm. I was young and stupid and I thought he'd change.
I was wrong.
Unless you want to end up in hospital like I did just get the fuck away as fast as you can.
Your babies deserve better!

deepsea · 12/08/2018 18:07

If you want to keep your babies, you need to move out (or he does)
You know this already.

He is a danger to you and to them.

He has compromised all three of you, four of you if you include his dd. Move out whilst you still can safely and take up every ounce of support this is open to you from friends and family op. Don't wait until you find out the true extent of his violence. It will then by far too late, for all of you.

NO ONE hits a pregnant woman around the head, no one. He should be taking the utmost care of you and the babies, but he isn't. Please listen.

deepsea · 12/08/2018 18:09

A police record does not show a history of DV, only that his victims may have been just as young and afraid as you are/have been to report him.

Your prosecution was dropped, so how would you know if he has or hasn't had several 'dropped' cases.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/08/2018 18:16

*If it happens again I'll call the police.
*
Only if your conscious and alive.
That's great but what if he's injured one of you and left life long disabilities or scars?

Is it worth waiting until then before you call police and leave?

Flipflop789 · 12/08/2018 18:19

Your job now is to protect your babies...not stick around until it happens again

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 18:21

OP you’ve gone back, as many of us did, but the difference is I had nobody to tell me it gets worse, and I’m guessing many of the other women who’ve been there didn’t either.

He’s “got away with it” which means in his head it wasn’t that bad and he’ll be able to justify it, and the next time, and the time after that.

You love him, and you think he loves you.

Love is not raising your hand to your partner. That’s not love, it’s a choice. Sure he’ll tell you that you drove him to it, or that you provoked him, but it’s a choice. Every damn time.

Do you know the next bit of the cycle?

I knew when a hiding was coming, so I’d wind him up to get it over with. Because then he’d be kind to me for a bit.

Do you know how utterly soul destroying that is? Because I was broken, absolutely and completely broken by the end. Verbal, physical and sexual abuse of the worst kind.

And it started with a slap.

I’m sorry if this is distressing you, but you need to understand the reality of life with a man who lifts his hands. And you need to keep your babies away from him, or there’s a very real risk that you’ll lose them.

I’m sorry to be blunt, but it’s the truth.

TomHardysNextWife · 12/08/2018 18:25

He hit you while you are pregnant.

You are putting your needs before your childrens.

And you wonder why SS are involved Confused.

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 12/08/2018 18:33

Be careful OP, don’t minimise what he has done to you.

You’ve agreeed to stop pushing each other’s buttons. Think carefully about what that means.

Does it mean taking the time to listen to each other more. Or does it mean you will walk on eggshells scared to challenge him on anything in case he gets angry?

Only you know him well enough to answer that. Be aware though that if he is generally controlling then you might not be thinking clearly about your interaction with him.

Remember that Women’s Aid are just a phone call away if you need advice.

Jupiter9 · 12/08/2018 18:34

Just wondered if you ever hit your husband?

HelenUrth · 12/08/2018 19:09

"He had slapped me round the back of the head and threatened me with more physical violence. "
"We both have agreed to stop pushing each others buttons."

It seems to me that he is trying to push the responsibility for his physical abuse on to you "I wouldn't have hit you if you hadn't ..." And then you agree not to do whatever so as not to push his buttons. (This will never work because it's about control not about you doing something he doesn't like, the goalposts will move all the time).

But he, and only he, is responsible for hitting you. I don't really think you understand that, hence it makes sense SS are concerned.

simonamprodan · 21/12/2018 21:11

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Chocolate50 · 16/02/2019 08:40

I think OP you are not unreasonable to want it to work out. You called the police when he hit you which is right. In order to give your relationship the best shot you should go to relate together or relationship counselling & your partner should find alternative strategies to reduce & resolve his anger & his responses when he is angry as he sounds like he has a problem with it.
Has the SW explained what a S47 is & what it means?

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