@everythingcrossed
I can't thank you enough for starting this thread. I have felt incredibly alone and defeated, and I have just read through all the posts on here with a growing sense of dread yet also relief. I honestly thought I was just some kind of fuck up. This isn't a side of things that generally gets covered so it feels so comforting to know there are others in the same situation.
I sent my first novel out to agents at the start of 2019 and was overwhelmed to get several offers of representation pretty swiftly. I didn't follow my heart: there was one agent who completely "got" me and my book, but I chose instead to go with the agent I have now, because she was much more experienced and had great sales.
Lockdown hit, and over the course of a year, she sent me off to do revision after revision, and the novel gradually became something almost entirely different. I regret not being more assertive now. Instead, I executed all the changes she asked of me, even when it didn't feel right.
A year an a half after being signed, she finally sent it out to 7 editors, but I could tell her heart was no longer in it. We got three replies back. One took it to a meeting to present to their team (can't remember the name for this), but despite loving it, couldn't get everyone on board. One liked the setting but not the MC. One liked the MC but not the setting. It's been 4 months now and we haven't heard back from the others.
There are two things that haven't been helpful for me, not sure if anyone can relate:
- I told people about signing with my agent and I really, really regret this now. I was just so excited I felt like I couldn't keep it in. Now it's been almost two years and it's absolutely unbearable when someone inevitably says "so what's happening with the book?!". It's so draining having to briefly explain (again). I wish I had totally kept quiet, but in my head, it was like you get an agent, you do 6 months of editing, and then you're off on submission.
- Reading a few posts on here, it seems there might be a common theme with a few agents, where you're getting this frazzled "busy busy busy" vibe. It feels very difficult to get her on a call. She always replies to my texts but it's a kind of effusive "life is really hectic" vibe in which basically when you cut through the talk, shes delaying speaking to you. I resent the attitude because I'm not someone who is sitting around at home with nothing to do but stare out the window and ponder and write 🤭 I work full time as well as having other responsibilities, and I know "this is publishing" but I don't necessarily find it professional.
Initially I was really open and understanding that life is fast paced and stuff but after a while you just start to think "look, I'm not too interested in your hectic schedule, I'm your client. Call me."
I sent her an outline for book 2 which she never read.
Most of our conversations about the book have been about making it commercial, its been very businessy. I guess now that it hasnt actually sold though, I feel it's a shame I didnt have a better, more philosophical or incisive relationship with my agent, because if it was going to become unsellable, it would have been fun to at least turn out unsellable with a few interesting chats about the book along the way. It feels like I disappointed her and she lost interest in my novel and then had to force herself to sell it. I lost confidence in both my writing abilities, and my sense that she actually "gets" who I am and what I want to write about and how.
Sorry for such a massive whiny post but I really needed to get all this off my chest. It feels GOOD!
All I can do now is get deeper into Book 2. She has taught me so much about stripping back, editing myself, being ruthless in that way - her insight as an editor has been invaluable. I have three first draft chapters I could show her, but should I? Part of me is like @FittedSheet and I just want to crack on without her input. Another part of me is a feedback whore who wants to get reassurance for us both. Any thoughts?