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Creative writing

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Can anyone help with a little grammar query please?

28 replies

youkiddingme · 10/07/2021 20:24

I was critting a piece for someone and one sentence feels ungrammatical to me but I can't think what the grammar rule I need to refer to is. I want to be able to clearly explain the problem. Can anyone tell me what is wrong with this?:

"They had a look of worry on their faces, but I knew they weren't."

OP posts:
IsItShining · 12/07/2021 15:10

'From the look on their faces, they seemed worried; but I knew they weren't'
'Despite their anxious expressions, I knew they weren't worried'
'They looked worried, but I knew they weren't'

All sorts of ways of getting round it, but I now need to know why they had unjustifiably anxious expressions. Resting bitch face? Gaslighting? Drama queens?

DoeRay · 12/07/2021 22:06

I'd think about if this is really the sort of critique you want to give another writer on a creative piece of work, though.

"They had a look of worry on their faces, but I knew they weren't."

Not sure if the marks are to show a character is talking, or you've added them in to highlight the quoted work, but it's either speech or it's first person (so thought) and most people do not speak or think in perfect grammar. In fact, changing it to "Despite looking worried, I could see that their faces were not genuine" would be criminal if this is speech and wrong for first person unless the character was A) extremely eloquent and B) really thinking about what they were thinking... maybe musing after an event. Nobody would "think" that way while the people were in front of them. That's just a rewritten sentence, and it sticks out in first person a mile away.

Since the meaning of the sentence is abundantly clear (and shows the voice of the character talking / thinking) it's absolutely fine.

So I'm not sure why you'd crit the grammar of speech or thought unless it was clearly a "rule" the writer just didn't understand, like repeatedly getting confused about 's or capitalising / not capitalising Father. But honestly an editor / proofreader / program like ProWritingAid is going to pick that up anyway.

If you want to give them critique that might be more useful, I'd point out that they could enhance this by putting the look of worry into the readers head. Control them. Make them see exactly what you the writer want them to see.

And they could enhance it again by removing the "I knew", which is just filter and (unless it's an intentional / stylistic choice) keeps the reader a step away from the story.

Sarah bit her lip. Joey shifted from foot to foot. They were good at looking worried when they had to be.

Zilla1 · 13/07/2021 12:56

HNRTT and I could be wrong but if you want feedback on a side issue and it wasn't a deliberate creative choice - do you need the comma in the original sentence unless it was to give a pause in the reader's mind?

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