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Can I ask your opinions of this?

39 replies

welpboop · 10/10/2018 17:03

As the title says Grin Could I have your opinions on the following?


“What is this, James?!”

Esther Bailey stood, with one hand on her hip and the other clutching a crumpled up piece of paper. She gave it a small wave in the direction of the man who had just entered the room. A deep frown was etched upon her usually beautiful face.

James Alexander raised an eyebrow. He was stood at the entrance of his classroom with his hands buried deep in the pockets of his trousers. An amused smirk graced his lips.

”Well?!” She persisted.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you, Ms Bailey. Am I suppose to be able to identify a piece of crumpled up paper without even looking at it?” The man walked toward her and held out his hand patiently. “Give it to me and perhaps I can shed some light on the matter.”

She hesitated a moment before reluctantly dropping it into his open palm.

He wrapped his hand around the paper without giving it a second glance. “Where did you find it?”

“In the top drawer of your desk. At the back.”

Alexander raised his eyebrows. “Do explain, Ms Bailey, why you were rummaging through my drawers without my knowledge?”

The blonde woman shuffled slightly before composing herself. “I was looking for an envelope,” she replied smoothly. “I needed one”

“Is that so?” Alexander spoke quietly. His voice surprisingly soft. “Well. As we are on such good terms; good enough that you feel able to let yourself into my classroom, snoop through my things and borrow my possessions without permission, perhaps you’ll join me for a drink?”

She shook her head. “No, James. Not today. Not now. I want you to tell me what the meaning of this piece of paper is. I want you to explain what the hell you were thinking when you wrote it.” Her voice quivered ever so slightly.

He let out a small sigh and rolled his eyes. “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, Ms Bailey.”

”Bullshit. Look at it!” She took a step back and leant against the edge of his desk; rubbing her forehead with a pained expression.

Alexander cocked his head to the side and watched the blonde carefully for a few moments before reluctantly unravelling the scrunched up paper. His eyes glanced quickly over the words written upon it. “Not a clue. Sorry.” He shook his head; his gaze now fixed back upon her. “I didn’t write this.” He held out the piece of paper.

She looked up incredulously and gave a small snort. “Don’t lie to me, James.”

He rolled his eyes again and dug in his trouser pocket for his cigarettes. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He said; popping a cigarette into his mouth with a small grin.

She slammed her fist onto the surface of his desk; sending papers flying in all directions. “Is this a joke to you?!” She spat. “How am I suppose to help you if you won’t help yourself.”

Esther snatched the piece of paper out of his hand and held it up to his face. “This” she said pointing at the words, “this isn’t right. And it’s going to destroy you, Alexander.” Her voice was now barely more than a whisper. Her eyes were filled with sadness.

Alexander allowed a small smirk to dance at the corners of his lips. “I’m ‘Alexander’ again now, am I?”

Esther shook her head in disbelief and dropped the piece of paper to the ground.

She walked toward the door and before exiting turned slightly to look at the man; her face screwed up in a snarl. “Screw you, James Alexander,” she whispered.

Alexander waited a few moments for the sound of her heels to fade into the distance before he knelt down and picked up the paper.

He settled himself into the chair behind his desk and took out a half empty bottle of whiskey from the bottom drawer. He unscrewed the cap and took a small sip as he flattened the piece of paper on his desk.

His eyes glazed as he read the words over and over.

OP posts:
welpbloop · 15/02/2019 17:29

@AdaColeman I appreciate your honesty! Grin Thank you for reading and taking the time to provide feedback.

I've got some great tips now going forward.

AdaColeman · 15/02/2019 17:33

Best of luck bloop!

Papergirl1968 · 15/02/2019 17:59

There's something there but it needs some editing/polishing.
Get rid of the semicolons and the use of exclamation marks after question marks.
It sounds odd to say pop a cigarette into your mouth, though you might pop a throat sweet or a mint into your mouth. A hero, if he is meant to be the hero, who smokes would put me off anyway.
He has raised his eyebrows twice within a few seconds.
"Was stood" jars.
There's a word missing in the sentence "his voice surprisingly soft."
It's intriguing but it is a bit cliched. Definite potential though.

welpbloop · 15/02/2019 18:17

@Papergirl1968 Thank you for taking the time to read and provide honest feedback. It's well and truly taken on board!

I really want to avoid cliches so I'll definitely be working on that. Definitely needs a lot of work.

He isn't a hero though and he's actually not supposed to be particularly likeable. Grin

itsbritneybiatches · 15/02/2019 18:24

I'd read more of it. I'm dying to know what was on the paper.

Will you be publishing?

Will you be putting anymore extracts on?

welpbloop · 15/02/2019 18:44

@itsbritneybiatches Thanks!

I mostly write for my own enjoyment and pleasure but this particular set of characters and their story has been floating around in my mind for a few years now. I feel like I know them inside out and if I don't get their story written down they'll never leave my mind!

So yes, I'm certainly determined to see it through to the end. The overall goal isn't to publish but I suppose if I'm happy with the end result one day, it might be something I'd consider.

I've no doubt I'll need more tips along the way so I'll probably return to MN for feedback! Grin

MostlyBoastly · 15/02/2019 19:31

TimeTravelling That’s a great attitude. You’d be amazed how many writers don’t feel that way (and it’s the biggest reason their writing doesn’t improve!)

welpbloop · 15/02/2019 22:51
Smile
itsbritneybiatches · 16/02/2019 17:05

Can
You tell us what was written on the paper?

welpbloop · 17/02/2019 00:36

@itsbritneybiatches it would be a massive anti climax if you knew what was on the paper. ^^

ohgawdwhat · 11/05/2019 22:26

GinGin

MintyCedric · 30/07/2019 09:45

Hope I'm ok to post this long after thread starting.

The premise sounds great, I'm really intrigued about the piece of paper, but it's hard to tell what time period it's set in.

The names, dialogue and smoking/drinking in the classroom made me think 1950s England, then Esther comes out with 'Bullshit' and 'screw you' which to me personally, implies a more contemporary and possible American setting.

Inches · 30/07/2019 16:08

The problem here is point of view. Each character is described as though they are being seen by someone else ('the blonde woman', 'an amused smirk graced his lips'), but in fact we aren't inside in either character's head -- why not?

And given that this is a straightforward scene with two people, one a man, the other a woman, both of whose names we know, there's no need at all for all those references to 'the blonde' and 'the blonde woman' -- you can just use 'she'/'her'/'Esther'.

And I'm not sure about the diction -- one the one hand this is a pair of teachers in a classroom having an argument, but the smoking, swigging out of whiskey bottles, snarling and 'Screw you, James!', not to mention all the references to 'the blonde' make it sound weirdly film noir...?

meelamo · 07/02/2020 21:36

Very easy to read but quite a few cliches

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