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Cost of living

Stretching your budget? Share tips and advice to discuss budgeting and energy saving here. For the latest deals and discounts, sign up for Mumsnet Moneysaver emails.

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Original poster

What the hell am I going to do ?

49 replies

potatoesalad · 03/01/2023 11:27

Just worked out Januarys budget. We are severely short of cash this month, a hell of a lot worse than I thought we we would be.

Its my sisters birthday this month she will be 40 and there are several huge celebrations planned plus a joint family gift plus a gift from me too. She is my sister and also my best friend, we are so very close.

Joint gift -£25 each
Celebration no1. - around £100 each
Celebration no.2 - around £30 each
plus my gift (TBC)

I cannot not get her a gift from me or not attend both the celebrations, No idea how I will afford any of this

OP posts:

ssd · 03/01/2023 12:54

I thought you were going to say you can't afford the heating on or proper meals for your family.
But instead you are making a big deal out if nothing.
No sympathy here.

iRun2eatCake · 03/01/2023 12:59

Does your sister like beauty treatments or afternoon tea's etc.... just thinking you could do a "voucher" for her to choose where to go and you pay for it then

butterfliedtwo · 03/01/2023 13:02

No grown 40 year old woman needs two gifts from you, especially when you can't afford it. Use your words.

I thought this would be about food and bills, not luxuries.

bestchristmasever · 03/01/2023 13:05

That's all optional. It's not essential spending.

butterfliedtwo · 03/01/2023 13:10

FleasNavidad · 03/01/2023 11:51

"How much had you been saving towards her 40th birthday?"

🙄

I don't get the eye-roll at this. The sister's birthday wasn't a surprise. If you plan to go overboard with gifts, it is a good idea to prepare for it.

TimeForMeToF1y · 03/01/2023 13:12

I'd you're so very close how is she not aware of your difficult financial situation?

Does she actually expect you to spend money you dont have on her?

mrssunshinexxx · 03/01/2023 13:28

My sister wouldn't want me to be short for hearing / food over buying her a present put an I owe you in her card for when you have more money

latetothefisting · 03/01/2023 13:36

Obviously don't spend what you can't afford but I hate the judgey tone when posters start querying why someone over 18 "needs" to celebrate their birthday or have any type of fun at all. Outside of mn joysuckers (who tend to also hate hen parties and work Christmas dos) celebrating big birthdays with presents and parties is quite a normal thing to do

In my family we've always tended to do mini breaks for big birthdays and bigger joint gifts so yes I would expect this when it came to my turn, in the sense that I would expect the "norm" to be continued unless anyone said anything. Obviously if someone couldn't afford it I'd never expect or want them to put themselves in debt but I'd expect my sibling to just tell me they can't contribute/come although ideally as early as possible. Its not clear whether this is something that has been sprung on you or whether they are plans that have been made well in advance but just your financial circumstances have changed.

Caramac555 · 03/01/2023 13:39

I think you're just going to have to have a blunt conversation with her.

Lots of us had 40th birthdays during lockdown, low key, a bit meh. It happens.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/01/2023 13:46

£100 and then £40 + gifts are too excessive for many people in current economy. If you're best friends, I'm sure she will understand.

LadyKenya · 03/01/2023 13:56

It is more important that you have money for your living expenses. Just talk to your sister.

Eeiliethya · 03/01/2023 14:14

I'd be mortified if I thought my sister was struggling on the basis of buying me anything even if it was a milestone birthday.

Speak to her, a joint gift is plenty. She will understand OP, especially if you're so close.

Newhousecrying · 03/01/2023 14:33

My siblings, cousins and I are all in our thirties and I make significantly less than all of them (up to 4x less). We’re quite close and do a lot of joint things. Last year one cousin had a hen party, wedding, and child, all in the space of 8months. So I chose to attend the hen party and went joint with someone else on a gift for the baby. My brother will sometimes put my name on big presents for his kids and make them joint presents.

I get the pressure to go to things and the ‘shame’ in having to say you can’t afford the same things. At first it awkward to have to say no to things because of cost but now it’s fine. It good to remind them that not everyone is in a 6 figure income household and it eases my stress because if I don’t bring a gift it’s ok.

Dryandirriatble · 03/01/2023 14:53

Of course you need to talk to her and I'm m sure she wouldn't want you spending money you can't afford, but it must be quite hurtful for people with January birthdays when no one wants to /can afford to anything for your birthday. You've known for 40 years when her 40th birthday would be and it sounds like the expectations have been quite clear for a while.

gamerchick · 03/01/2023 14:57

If you're that close to your sister then you can surely talk to her about it? Tell her you owe her a gift because you're mega skint. No way I'd want someone stretching themselves that much to get me a present.

FleasNavidad · 03/01/2023 15:04

"I don't get the eye-roll at this. The sister's birthday wasn't a surprise. If you plan to go overboard with gifts, it is a good idea to prepare for it."

Of course it is, but clearly the OP hasn't and that poster was just here to stick the boot in. If the OP had saved she'd have said so.

Blondeshavemorefun · 03/01/2023 19:33

As others said if she is your bf and sister then she will understand

you have contributed to a joint pressie. She doesn’t need another from you

go to the cheaper bash if you can manage that

if not the. Do go to either

Babyroobs · 03/01/2023 19:35

I thought this was going to be about not being able to eat or heat your home !

zazzabeans · 03/01/2023 19:39

Have you got anything to perhaps sell to get some cash? Old clothes and the likes sell really well on eBay and Facebook marketplace .

have you anything to regift that you don’t like/want?

I know there are spread payment options available on some websites (klarna and clear pay are two I have heard of but do t know how they work)

above al your sister is 40 and I’m sure will understand if you are open and honest with her 😀

Thatboymum · 03/01/2023 19:41

I would never want my sister to struggle to afford her basic necessities in order to celebrate my birthday and give me a few gifts. I understand it can be hard to say your struggling financially but she’s your sister she wouldn’t want you to be in this situation

Milkand2sugarsplease · 03/01/2023 19:45

I would be devastated to know someone struggled to pay their bills to get me a gift or go out with me.

If you're as close as you say you can tell her the truth, surely. You can even re jig to later in the year if things will ease up for you and it's a short term problem.

Failing that, it won't be an immediate fix but DH does some of those online research things and regularly gets a bonus 40-100 quid for those...??

Margo34 · 03/01/2023 20:47

FleasNavidad · 03/01/2023 15:04

"I don't get the eye-roll at this. The sister's birthday wasn't a surprise. If you plan to go overboard with gifts, it is a good idea to prepare for it."

Of course it is, but clearly the OP hasn't and that poster was just here to stick the boot in. If the OP had saved she'd have said so.

Agree @butterfliedtwo

No boot sticking from me, @FleasNavidad didn't even bother to respond to the OP anyway except for the eyeroll (how rude) or read my whole comment clearly (and didn't bother to quote it all anyway). I'd say an eyeroll from @FleasNavidad is far less helpful than anything I said about good sisters being understanding.

ifonly4 · 03/01/2023 20:56

Everyone is different, but I wouldn't want anyone spending that much money celebrating my birthday. Please be honest with her - I'd be tempted to not attend either celebration but offer my time with her, maybe over lunch out together or some other treat you might enjoy.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/01/2023 20:59

You need to be an adult and say you can't afford it.

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