Cancelling Christmas plans due to family disagreements

[violetanemone]

I am strongly considering cancelling plans to spend Christmas with my family and just wanted some opinions on this/ whether IABU.

I live a long way from my family - like a 6 hour drive - but very close to them emotionally. 15 people coming for Christmas dinner at my parents place, which I didn't make it to last year because of Covid - I was devastated about this as I love my family Christmas.

There are 4 people in my family who are unvaccinated/ anti-vaxers. My mum was adamant that she is going to make sure everyone does an LFT on the day - fine, I was happy with that.

Now though my older brother (unvaccinated) has a sore throat - I had to ring up and make a massive fuss in order to convince him to go for a PCR. He otherwise wouldn't have bothered and is now saying "I'm only doing it because you're moaning so much". Mum also thinks I've made a massive fuss about this and am overly worried.

I also talked to my (anti-vax) cousin about doing an LFT on the day before she comes up - she said my mum hasn't mentioned it to her - made me look stupid and also like I'm making a big fuss. Annoyed with my mum for lying to me.

My other brother (also unvaccinated) also had Covid about a week ago - he insists it will be 10 days by Christmas but I don't know if he's lying because he doesn't want to miss Christmas. He has definitely seen my mum since anyway and they have hugged etc.

I care about all these people a lot, and I know they'll all be upset if I don't go for Christmas, but at the same time they all think I am making a big fuss over nothing. I literally just want them to follow the guidance and I don't see that it's such a big ask, but I'm made to loudly argue my point in order to get anywhere. It's horrible.

We have plans to spend new year with friends (also a much needed catch up after a long time apart) and I'm worried about ruining this by catching Covid from my idiot family members. My friends take it seriously and we will definitely be testing before going there - if we have it we will miss the celebration.

So, at would you do?

My mum will be devastated if I cancel but I don't feel like I am being respected or taken seriously, and I just don't trust my own family. It's horrible to feel this way just before Christmas :( I'm so stressed about it all.

Scientists predict almost everyone will come into contact with Omicron over the next month or so, so there's little you can do to avoid it completely.

@Scottishskifun Don't blame you for that. When I asked my cousin to test she misunderstood and thought I was asking her to test her child (I wasn't), and she reacted very strongly.

People just seem hyper-emotional about all this, I don't blame them really but it makes things so difficult at Christmas.

@Mistyplanet

Scientists predict almost everyone will come into contact with Omicron over the next month or so, so there's little you can do to avoid it completely.

Well this is exactly what some of my family members are saying but it's not the point. I'm not trying to avoid it completely... I just wanted people to do the very small and simple thing that they can do to mitigate some of the risk, in order to save my partner's family time.

But people are selfish and I guess this is teaching us that we have to live with that!

NYE is likely to be cancelled/scaled back anyway.

I'd go but not talk about covid, if at all possible.

Each individual has to decide what they’re comfortable with. You can go to this gathering knowing that not everyone has tested or you can choose not to if you feel the risk is too great. But you can’t make other people adhere to your risk level, you have to acknowledge that theirs are different.

@IKnowAPlace Very good advice to not talk about it! :)

We're not going out for NYE or anything, we will literally just be in a house with partners family and a few friends. We'll be there from boxing day so even if there are restrictions it won't really affect us as we would just lock down there if we had to.

The issue is if we arrive with Covid or develop symptoms whilst we are there, things will be cancelled and everyone will go home to try and prevent it spreading. Which would be devastating after 2 years of cancelled events with these people.

@WiganDiva

Each individual has to decide what they’re comfortable with. You can go to this gathering knowing that not everyone has tested or you can choose not to if you feel the risk is too great. But you can’t make other people adhere to your risk level, you have to acknowledge that theirs are different.

Yes, and I absolutely do acknowledge it. But I'm still extremely disheartened that my family are so selfish they won't go to the very slight trouble of sticking a cotton bud up their nose. I don't even know why really.

If someone I cared about asked me to do something so small, even if I thought they were being ridiculous, I would just do it to make them comfortable.

It's just common decency. Or not so common to be honest!

@violetanemone yes I would have had the same reaction if you meant child (realise you didn't!).
It's incredibly tough for young children you can't explain to them properly and it's bad enough just getting a swab in order to see a Dr when they are ill!

The thing is my family's risk level is only lower because the stakes are much lower for them.

By the 26th, they'll have had their family Christmas, so they don't need to worry. They don't care if they get Covid at that point because by then it's all over anyway and they can just cosy up at home until January.

But my partner won't have had his family get together, so naturally he needs to be more cautious and cares more about not getting it.

It's not so much about risk level as pure selfishness tbh. They don't care about my partner's family gathering or anything we are doing afterwards, they are simply not seeing beyond their own Christmas.

People are infuriating.

Yes, and I absolutely do acknowledge it. But I'm still extremely disheartened that my family are so selfish they won't go to the very slight trouble of sticking a cotton bud up their nose. I don't even know why really.

If someone I cared about asked me to do something so small, even if I thought they were being ridiculous, I would just do it to make them comfortable.

Everyone has the right to make their own risk assessments and decide what to do for themselves.

Personally if you are that worried about covid affecting your other plans then own it and don't go.

Personally if you are that worried about covid affecting your other plans then own it and don't go

Seems simple doesn't it?

Except if we don't go, that is basically making a massive statement and falling out with my entire family. All my family will talk about on Christmas Day is the fact that we're not there and how ridiculous we're being, and it will cause friction for months.

Not all that simple really!

All over a bloody cotton bud

I mean we've made the decision anyway and we're going to go, but I'm just absolutely gutted that my family are so selfish.

I'm not sure what needs to be risk assessed about doing a LFT.

Besides you can risk assess for yourself but also factor passing the virus on to others (as I would do for a cold or any minor but inconvenient illness).

@violetanemone

Personally if you are that worried about covid affecting your other plans then own it and don't go

Seems simple doesn't it?

Except if we don't go, that is basically making a massive statement and falling out with my entire family. All my family will talk about on Christmas Day is the fact that we're not there and how ridiculous we're being, and it will cause friction for months.

Not all that simple really!

All over a bloody cotton bud

I mean we've made the decision anyway and we're going to go, but I'm just absolutely gutted that my family are so selfish.

It is that simple.

I have never made any decisions based on what the family might talk about. Some things we haven't agreed on but if I want to do them or not do them I make that choice and own it. So for me yes it's about making decisions which others might not agree with. It's having faith in your decisions rather than saying I have no choice.

And it isn't just a cotton bud. You are asking them to do a test which for you is nothing but for them it isn't. Again you need to understand you cannot dictate what others do or not do in this situation.

I see you have decided to go. That is still your free choice and I hope you don't plan to start blaming anyone if your plans end up being altered.

Because people so fed up with it they don't want to do it any more.

I have had nightmares even just getting people to wear masks in business. Swearing at my receptionist when they have been asked to put one on. Peoples patience has definitely run out in the real world.

@Stuffin I appreciate your comments but whatever this whole situation is, it's not simple. And it's extremely stressful to be dealing with at this time of year for everyone involved.

Again I understand I can't dictate what people do (although I was actually led to believe everyone was doing an LFT - and have driven halfway across the country on this basis, only to find out this is not the case, so how's that for my ability to make a risk assessment?)

But even though I can't tell people what to do, I can still be upset that my family are behaving in a very selfish and inconsiderate way towards me and my partner .

If we're all going to get Omicron then chances are NYE will be messed up anyway. At least you'll have had Xmas

“Idiot” (your word) anti-vaxxers aside, your cousin’s response indicates that your mother lied to you about asking guests to do LFTs. That wouldn’t sit well with me.

Uunvaccinated people are at greater risk of becoming very ill if they contract the virus so if you go you need to be careful not to pass anything to them - LFT, keep your distance etc. The NHS could do without that lot showing up gasping for breath on Boxing Day I’m sure.

And if I were your partner I’d be unhappy at the possibility of potentially missing out on time with my own family due to the actions of this cohort of fools/liars. I would probably not attend tbh.

The advice is to think carefully about socialising. Everyone has their own view about what is sensible.
People I know are limiting contact before Christmas or before New Year to try to be sensible.
You are choosing to go straight from one multi household gathering to stay at another with no gap. Some people would say that is irresponsible or not cautious. You are trying to get other people to do something to help you feel comfortable with what you have decided to do.
Some people would be uncomfortable with what you are doing. We all have our own level of risk taking that we feel comfortable with and there isn’t a risk free option for your plans.
Good luck making a decision.

@OnTheHillNotOverIt That is true - we aren't avoiding all risk by any means and some almost certainly would say we are being irresponsible.

Tbh that's one reason why I'm finding it all a bit strange that my family are acting like we're being extremely sensitive - in comparison to most people, we're not!

We are seeing our close families and a few close friends, and we have barely left the house in two weeks in the lead up to this.

Several of my siblings/ cousing gave been to night clubs in the past few days - another reason why I have been asking them to just do a test. They're not exactly taking measures to be careful in the lead up to Christmas socialising.