Help...when to have children?

[WinnieP]

I don't know if anyone out there can help...I could really use some advice as I'm really really confused about what to do.
My husband and I have recently been discussing having children. The problem is that neither of us are particularly broody and always said we wouldn't have kids full stop. Lately, we've started to think that maybe we'd like to start a family, but neither of us are completely sure. However, time's ticking on, I'm in my mid-thirties and we're very aware that we shouldn't leave it too late if we do go ahead. What if we never get broody but regret it later?
I'm not really sure what I'm asking, but can anyone tell me if they felt like this before they had children, and how they feel now they've got their kids! Plus, I also worry a lot, and I am concerned about whether or not I'd worry too much about a child.
When do you know the time is right, or is it something you're never entirely ready for, you just have to go ahead and do? Also, how to anxious mothers cope??
Any help and advice appreciated...

I know I know I know!! All of that! All of it! I really feel you are another me writing this, it's freaking me out a bit!

The seven points I'm scared of were just a starter for ten, or should I say seven - my full list has about 25 headings with subsections. Well really it's more of a matrix, as it includes all the options of child hating me/me hating child/marriage going off the rails due to child etc., and a variety of ways in which one or all of us might die. Should we try to deal with our individual fears one by one, do you think, or try to stop thinking and just act?

Something else I struggle with is the finality of it - there are very few other choices in life that I can think of where there is absolutely no way back. Where you live, the job you do, who you marry (and indeed whether you stay married), all of these important things can be changed, but once you have a child you have a child forever. Eek.

ALL my friends either have children or know they want them, so I don't get anywhere trying to discuss with them - just get funny looks.

It doesn't help that I don't have any URGES, as it were - broodiness, body clock ticking, womanly stirrings, womb-twanging - whatever you call it, I don't have it. If I lived in a bubble, I don't think the idea of having a child would ever have occurred to me - the fact that I'm even considering it is based almost entirely on society telling me that "it's what we're here for", and that I don't have forever to think about it.

What does your husband think about all of this?

Yes, I did Google to get here, and yes, you can call me Lyra!

Lyra, your messages could be written by me also. Perhaps I have schizophrenia?!
Only 25 headings?? I think we could do better than that. I'm trying to keep my most crazy thoughts to myself. But yes, I'm with you on the child hating me/me hating child/feeling trapped/marriage breaking up/death/cancer/pregnancy/whole person coming out of your vajayjay - um, hello, but who ever thought THAT was good idea?! Illness, anxiety (worrying about worrying). Plagued with worry about child for the rest of my life and not being able to cope with it. PND...the list goes on and on in a whole spiral of worries.
I think only a fellow worrier can really understand!
I don't have urges either. I'd rather have a pet, which I don't think bodes well. I'm with you as well on the whole social pressure thing, too.
Husband is used to fact I freak about everything, but he's not broody either. He's like me - not really bothered, but wondering if we might be missing out. You?

PS It's the not leaving it much longer part that's freaking me out the most...the 'we'd better start trying now if we want to do it'. But I'm not ready! I'm not I'm not I'm not! I need more time.

I was never clucky, always had a full life, busy city person. Not that great at relationships.

Had my baby 18 months ago aged 40 - my strongest feeling in those first few weeks (apart from that of love) was that I wished I had her 20 years earlier as then I would have 20 more years to love her.

I guess my point is although having a baby late was the right thing to do, we don't often think about how many years we have at the other end of my life - and how much richer life is with my daughter in it. Everything else became meaningless.

I have no regrets, but I'd have children much earlier if I could go back in time. I'd give up 10 years of freedom & parties & lie-ins, for 10 more years of being a Mum.

the best thing in the world is being a mummy go for it,me and dh ttc no 4 i have 3 kids ds1,19,dd1,16,ds2 2.6 only the youngest is his tho

ljhooray8, Igivein*, thank you for advising us, I thought perhaps MN would be the absolute worst place to post, almost by definition IYSWIM, but no-one has been mean to Winnie and me yet!

Worrying about worrying, I believe that's known as meta-worrying, I'm a big fan.

We have a pet, a dog, he was found on the street and was going to be put down, so that was a decision that took almost no worrying at all, we just had to have him. All done and dusted in about 3 days.

Some people say that if you get a pet you must actually want a child, it's a child substitute etc, but that winds me up no end, if I want a glass of wine does it mean I actually want a bacardi breezer?

But my point was actually going to be - I wanted a dog, I knew I wanted a dog, we got a dog. And for another e.g., I wanted to marry my husband, I married him. Surely something as big as motherhood, you should know that you want it before you attempt it?

I'm 90% sure that if age was not an issue, I would not be on MN today.

Husband, by the way, knew I didn't want children when we got together, but over the last year has started moving in the direction of "not wanting to be without a family forever" - and I guess he is one of the main reasons I'm here.

Raychill, that is a really interesting point, that has never occurred to me. I shall ponder further.

I would get a pet tomorrow, absolutely no problem at all about that. And I'm with you - surely there's something wrong to want an animal more than a baby?!
I'm 100% sure that if age wasn't a problem, I'd skipping outside in the sunshine, not giving this a second though. Probably worrying about skin cancer, mind, but you can't have everything :-)

Of Lyra's points:

1. Yep, was worried about that
2. Yep, was worried about that
3. Yep, was worried about that
4. Yep, was worried about that
5. Yep, was worried about that
6. Yep, was worried about that
7. Comes with the territory

Still worry about worrying and I suspect I always will - but mostly it just gets blown away when I look at dd. She's worth all the worry in the world (you may wish to add your own nauseous emoticon ).

SOunds like the inevitable pressure from all round having children and I really sympathise. Like you've both said, it's the fact you can't go back (don;t fret - I'm under similia pressure and thinking the same as you about having another child! Check out the one child threads - it's the same type of anxiety applied to having one child!) 2 close friends of mine feel very similiar to both of you (and one has just got 2 dogs!) Think the pet substitute is a bit of a red herring and frankly rather insensitive to you. You'll get lots of people projecting their desire for family onto you but it must be your decision. However, I'm also quite sure that everyone that has children is not 100% certain! Peer pressure and people saying you should is not a good enough reason to but worrying about your capabilities as a mum is not a good enough reason not to as I suspect reading from your posts you are both caring and loving people that if they had children, their children would occasionally roll their eyes and and say with a smile 'it's just mum, she's such a worrier!

LOl at winnie and Lyra with their 25 headings and matrices.

I have 2 cats, didn't have a moments thought about getting them.

Having children was a completely different decision altogether, there's so much more responsibility (plus there's little chance of a dog or cat catching malaria in a gap year ).

I have likened having children to having cats to my friends except everything is multiplied a million times over. Children are a million times more hassle than having pets, but the love you feel for your children is a million times stronger and more satisfying.

Just a note of caution - I can't comment on the readiness etc as within 3wks of meeting dh we had discussed what we hoped for in our future - luckily we both envisaged a family.

Anyway, I was married at 29, but decided to leave it so that we had some 'us time' at the beginning of our marriage - we started trying when I was 30 a year and a bit later. Ds didn't arrive until I was 36. No2 has failed to materialise (no, that's wrong - 2mc later, still not had a No2 that wants to stick around). I do hope that, when you feel that you are ready, you don't have to wait as long as we did - but it happens...

Thanks all for further comments, you are lovely here on MN.

Winnie, I know we're not ready, and I know we're terrified, but I think we might have to "feel the fear and do it anyway" - otherwise the choice could be taken away from us, and we don't want that, do we?

The missive from Royal College of Obs and Gynae this week was pretty strongly worded

Who knows, it might take so bloomin' long to have children that we might be ready (or at least, more ready) by the time they finally arrive.

We could arm ourselves with plenty of information and preparation, that sometimes helps with the fear? At least we know that there is an answer to ANY question we could think of - any many we could not - on MN.

I'll try it if you will!!

Lyra - this is a double dare of epic proportions!

Lyra what are you saying?! Someone pass me a paper bag, I'm hyperventilating.
That is a scary article though. Oh God. Can we apply for another year to be inserted before the Birthday of Doom?
I always was crap at dares.

Obviously given that we over-think everything it would be madness to approach motherhood on the basis of a dare.

But how about if, as control freaks, we look upon it as taking control of the situation and making an ACTIVE DECISION to TTC? Because if we don't, and the decision is made for us by biology, well that's not a great place for a control freak to be, is it? I know I know, it's an appalling idea, but if we want families in the fullness of time, it's kind of the only way to get them.

And to be honest, what else are we going to do in our 40s if we don't have children, and all our friends do? We'll have no-one our own age to play with, and we'll be missing out on all that family stuff (although we wuld have tidy houses and great holidays).

As a frightful American acquantaince once said to me "sometimes you have to take the leap before the net appears"

PS Winnie, I hope you're not doing what I do and thinking "if I'm not grown-up enough mentally to do this, then maybe I'm also younger than age biologically, so this over-35 stuff doesn't apply to ME" - there are enough horror stories on here to tell you that that's dodo doodoo

Waaaaah! Lyra, you have turned in just a mere day! I still have months more procrastinating to do.
I actually had a funny thought on the way home from work - Fast forward several years:
Mini Winnie: Mummy, why did you decide to have me?
Winnie: Well, a lady on an internet forum I'd been chatting with for less that 24 hours dared me to.
I can't make that decision yet. I really can't.

There is never a right time. Once you have kids your life changes more than you can possibly imagine - the fact is once you've got them you don't care. I was a bit like you - never really felt broody, heard the clock ticking around 34 and went for it. Thank God I did - since having the children I can't imagine anything worse than not being able to have them. I'd get on with it if I were you otherwise you might miss out on the greatest experience life has to offer.

Lyra and Winnie - I just think you're both fabulous. Just wanted to say have found this thread really interesting. I can totally sympathise with the way you feel, although I was one of the "feel the fear and do it anyway" ones. Two scrumptious boys later it was the best decision we ever made.
I really hope you go with the "dare" idea - perhaps that's what you need to jump start the idea. I don't think there's ever the right time, I remember thinking that just before we got PG the first time, but it just works.

Winnie, I know it sounds like I've "turned in a mere day", but to be honest, I've been thinking/worrying about this for years.

It's not like I woke up one day last week and thought "gosh, I'm nearly 34, I wonder if I want a family!"

I met my husband when I was 28, and I remember on my 29th birthday saying to him "I don't want children, I don't know if I'll ever want children, do you still want to be with me if I don't?" And I've been flipping backwards and forwards on the issue ever since then, so we're talking almost FIVE YEARS of serious fretting, cogitating and procrastinating.

I think I'm looking for something to push me over the edge, and all these positive comments, coupled with the reassurance of knowing that being terrified doesn't make me a complete freak, are nudging me towards that precipice.

I assume it didn't just dawn on you a few days ago either. But maybe you haven't been working this through in your head for as long as I have, or maybe you've got the luxury of a bit more time to think about it - I think I mentioned that I have PCOS, which could really complicate things.

So. I'm off on holiday to Kenya in August, which means I've just had lots of really unpleasant vaccinations, and I'll be taking malaria tablets while I'm there. I imagine we'll be doing a bit of boozing too! But come September, it's out with the alcohol, in with the folic acid, out with the contraception, and in with seizing the day/grasping the nettle, and all the rest of it.

Maybe

Lyra, in that case, lots and lots and lots of luck! I'm so glad this thread managed to help
To be honest, I do keep walking towards the precipice, then jumping back going 'I can't, I can't! I'm not ready!' But like you, the replies on here have helped me feel more positive and that it's normal to be terrified. But this is still pretty new to me, and I haven't been thinking about it as long as you, so I still need to think through some things first.
Let me know how you get on!
(I was only joking about the turning in a mere day, by the way.)

Drink more gin. We drink a lot of gin in the mid-thirties thread and we are almost all now prepared to bite the bullet even though we may have to miss at least one ski trip and perhaps default on Glasto next year.

Of course I'm not saying it is something that should be entered into lightly, but stop worrying and let the old hag Nature do what she will with you. There is nothing you can do now that you won't be able to do in the future. Except perhaps fire ping pong balls out of your fouf.

triggerhappybaby, I'm looking forward to joining the mid-thirties TTC thread in September, if you'll have me. I have lurked a little this morning and it looks right up my street - I love gin and have a completely cream house

Winnie, maybe see you over there in a year or two? Given the parlous state of my ovaries, can't imagine I'll be up the duff anytime soon!

lyra just come an join us now. You can up the collective gin intake nicely for a few months, especially as it looks like we may be a gin drinker down, or even possibly two!

In France, don't they send new mothers to a Ping Pong Ball Fouf Trainer to get you back up to speed?