Anyone out there who took longer to conceive than they expected - can I ask you some questions?

Bucky2008 · 25/01/2009 18:25

I thought it would take about 3 months or so (not sure where I got that figure from )
I did get pregnant in about that time but miscarried after 9 weeks. It has been nearly three years now since I started ttc and last November was my 2nd pg and mc.
Feelings vary, initially I figured what was meant to happen would, then I got angry that it was so easy for so many people and we have been trying for years, then I got it into my head that if I wasn't going to have a baby I would make the most of my life as it was and went on a big bender for months. It was during this time I got pregnant for a second time 2.5years after my first.
Where is question number 4?
See No. 3! However, generally it is difficult to escape the lack of control that you feel and the helplessness in the fact you cannot do anything to make it happen. I now try to put it to the back of my mind when I can, but it is always there.

What is your situation?

fymandwhenisthisbabycoming · 25/01/2009 18:42

1)2-3 months
2)6 months
3) awful, even though 6 months isn't long
5) hypnotherepy - made me really relax about the whole thing and was pg next month....[http://www.justbewell.com/acatalog/fertility_therapy.html]

pinkmook · 25/01/2009 18:50

bout 6 months
Still trying 18 minths later - no chemical pregnancy or anything to suggest its ever going to happen.
stressed, sad, angry, obesessed with finding ways to make me get pregnant, hopeless, lonely
(I am guessing q4 was the second part of Q3 )It affects my life pretty much cyclically (is that even a wor!!?) in that its always there but is much much worse around a week before I come on my period and probably the first day of period. Then I seem to get on the obesessive, right lets find a way to make it work this month (never does)
pretty much as bucky says, the only only way I have found of coping (of a fashion) is to seriously consider how I want my life to be if I dont conceive, A BIG part of that though is putting a time limit on TTC. My DH and I decided at xmas to TTC no more than 2 years from then. So that means we will give it our all from now til then , including IVF IUI or any other intervention. Then in xmas 2010 we stop. And so I have begun to plan things we will do when that poinr arrives, including getting a dog (prob sounds silly but its not something I would do now as wouldn't want a young dog and a baby, It gives me something to look forward to, and also things like improvemnts to the house, holidays, These might sound really superficial things but they help me

pinkmook · 25/01/2009 18:55

Oh and just to add to number 5 - I basically have begun to realise that you cant have everything you want in life. I have seen lots of very unfair and unpleasant things happen to people in my work life, devastating things and I have come to recognise, no matter how hard you want things, sometimes you just dont get it. LIfe really and truly is unfair. So I look at the things I do have and hope that in years to come I dont look back and wish I had spent more time appreciating what was right there in front of me, wishing for something that didn't exist. Not easy to always think like this though I fully admit!

helips · 25/01/2009 19:23

6 months
almost a year
I found it upsetting especially when a lot of my friends fell pregnant and would say things like 'ooh it happened the first month we tried' . However, my best friend was going through the same thing but she'd been trying 18 months prior to me, it really helped to talk to someone who was going through the same thing. When I found out I was pregnant I was worried she would be upset but told her straight away. Then 2 months later she fell pregnant so got to share that with her too, was lovely!
Being able to talk to my friend and my dh helped me to cope with the disappointment. I decided that I would go out a lot, celebrate my 30th and Christmas and worry about it after the new year. Then lo and behold, once I stopped worrying I fell pregnant!

Original poster

PeppermintPatty · 25/01/2009 19:31

Thanks for your replies.

My answers are:

I am trying to be realistic and expect it to take a year or so (that's what I've been told to expect anyway, before being referred for tests). But my DD was conceived straight way, so I think I expected No 2 be fairly quick as well.
Unoffically for 9 months, offically for 6 I was still breastfeeding DD at the beginning so that might have been affecting my fertility. When I stopped breastfeeding we decided to properly try.
Up to now I have been fairly pragmatic about it, but this month it's starting to really get me down
Don't know what happened here. I obviously can't count
I don't know the answer to this one which is why I'm asking

Some of you have been trying for a lot longer than me

OP posts:

hazeyjane · 25/01/2009 20:03

at first 6 months to a year. Then we were referred to a fertility clinic and I thought maybe 1 or 2 years.

2)After 1 round of Clomid I became pregnant, and miscarried at 8 weeks. About 2 years later I had a laparoscopy, and became pregnant again. I miscarried again, and this time it was a molar pregnancy, which unfortunately was persistent, meaning I had 10 months of chemotherapy, after this I wasn't allowed to ttc for a year.
In 2005 , i found out i was pregnant (no assistance) and had dd1 in 2006 (7 years after starting ttc). Oh and I had dd2 14 months later - also with no assistance!

3)I felt a mixture of anger, embarrassment ('why can't my body get it right'), frustration. I found it hard to get on with my life, whilst also feeling pissed off with myself for letting it take over my life.

4)My dh was the single biggest factor in coping, he was (and is!) fantastic, it means as much to him as it does to me to have children. But we talked and talked about what we would do if it never happened. I think it is important to face up to the fact that it might never happen, and we had all sorts of plans for business ideas,travel etc and also looked into adoption. I can't say I ever found anything that really took my mind off it, except that I really wanted to enjoy every day with dh, rather than look back and feel upset that I had spent, what turned out to be 7 years trying for children and feeling bitter. A lot of friends and family were having children around me during this time, and, whilst it is hard, I really tried to enjoy their children, and be a good aunty and friend, and as a result feel very close to them.

Good luck to anyone having problems ttc, it is so hard.

Claire236 · 25/01/2009 20:11

Having got pregnant with ds within a week assumed it would be really quick this time round.
6 months & counting
Sometimes feel ok but other times feel like a total failure, convinced there must be something wrong with me & scared I'll never have another child.
I've recently starting marathon training with a group of people which I find really helps me. Gives me another focus & lets me think without thinking iyswim. I've recently discovered someone at work is in the same boat & talking to her really helps. We don't sit & talk for hours or anything, more of a case of having someone else who understands how shit ttc is.

spongebrainbigpants · 25/01/2009 20:11

3 - 6 months
5 long and agonising years
Devastated and it took over my life completely. I avoided pg friends and spent less and less time with those who had children. I became very depressed .
Finding friends in my situation, making lots and lots of plans for how my life would look childless. We were going to emigrate.

It is miserable and isolating.

Good luck x

LeninGrad · 25/01/2009 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angel1976 · 25/01/2009 20:23

A vague few months - DH's family is very 'fertile' while seemingly no problems on my side either...
Depends on how you count it - After coming off BCP, I didn't get a period for 8 months before being referred to an endocrinologist who discovered I had elevated prolactin levels which was stopping me from ovulating. Once I got on medication, my period happened in about a month and we conceived the next cycle so altogether 9 months?
The problem with wanting a baby is... DH and I were married for 5 tears before we decided that we wanted a baby. Before that, we weren't sure. Once I turned 30, I got broody and once we decided we wanted one, we wanted one straightaway and you NEVER expect you will be the one to have problems conceiving so that 9 months was agonising. I found charting really helpful but like I said, once I decided I wanted one and it wasn't happening, it really was the first and last thing you think about everyday...

And the most important one:

Not really. I just tried to focus on work and DH. Work was going well for me and truth be told, DH and I had a nice life together and I tried to focus on that but it was hard as the moment you start TTC, that's all you think about and then all you friends start getting preggers!

angel1976 · 25/01/2009 20:25

We now have a very healthy and happy 11-month-old baby and just decided to start TTC the second. I'm back on my medication but on half the dosage so am not sure it will happen so quickly this time.

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 25/01/2009 20:27

Peppermint PAtty I will answer this as you are similar to my situation.
DS1 was concieved almost immediately. DS2 ended up taking 1 year. I didn't expect that after first time.

I did find it hard, and feel that may have affected chances of conceiving.

After 1 year I went to GP. Cried at him , he promised blood tests to see if I was ovulating. Next month I was pg. I think that knowing the GP would help me actually relaxed me enough to get pg.

It will happen good luck, and try to relax, although I know how hard that is

MrsTittleMouse · 25/01/2009 20:29

3/4 months
2 and a half years (with fertility treatment - there was a 0% chance without)
It was devastating - it felt like a bereavement every month (and yes, I have been through a "real" bereavement to know how it feels)
??
Nope! Had things not worked out, then I know that we would have dealt with it and come through the other side. In some ways, it was the hope that was the hardest thing - I couldn't ever let go.

Hulababy · 25/01/2009 20:32

How long did you expect it would take you to conceive?

I was only 26y, as was DH. No one I knew had any problems concieving; family hsitories was that it was all siple. I just assumed I'd get pregant within the first few months.

How long did it actually take (if you have been successful)?

15m; early m/c; another 15m - then had DD
TTC #2 - been over 4 years so far

How did you feel when it took longer than expected? How much did it affect your life?

I was much better first tme round and took it in our ease. Didn't stress, no mnitoring or tests. Was still convinced it would happen.

This time round has been different. Was fine for firtst year or so, then went for tests, had treatment, still nothing. Treatment - two minor ops, heavy duty horones, and more recently Clomid - lots of horrid side effects, verging on depression during last year due to the amount of hormones in my bidy, etc. Tablet free at moment which is better but no sign of pregnancy

Did you find anything that helped you cope with stress / disappointment of TTC, or anything that took your mind of it?

Nope. Struggling at moment. See consultant again in a couple of weeks. But run out of options now (DH won't consider IVF), so that is it. Not got my head round it yet - just trying to keep afloat regards it all.

ohdearwhatamess · 25/01/2009 20:43

How long did you expect it would take you to conceive?
No time at all - 2-3 months
How long did it actually take (if you have been successful)?
8 years with ds1
1st month of trying with ds2
How did you feel when it took longer than expected? How much did it affect your life?
Took over my life, dominated everything, particularly the last 18 months before conceiving. Made me feel very inadequate and frustrated, and it was almost too much to bear watching friends and family conceive at the drop of a hat.

And the most important one:

Did you find anything that helped you cope with stress / disappointment of TTC, or anything that took your mind of it?

Best think I did - easier said than done - was to stop stressing about it, stop using OPKs, stop charting, and just relax and have lots of sex!
Conceived ds1 when we'd given up hope and were about to have IUI. Because that decision was sort of out of our hands we were able to forget about all the other stuff.

thehairybabysmum · 25/01/2009 20:48

3-6 months

18 months, no treatment but did have an ovulation test by dr at 15 mths.

Tis horrible every month when it doesnt happen. I just tried to carry on as usual really. didnt do special diet or change lifestyle so didnt feel it had taken over.

I also ran, did a marathon...can highly recommend. Good luck to the other poster doing one.

Top tip from me is to book a mega holiday. We booked flights to NZ to see friends for xmas in early March...found out i was pregnant in April. Just make sure you have travel insurance!!!

fishiedewar · 25/01/2009 20:49

6m

18m for ds, 2+ years trying for no2 but no joy.

how i feel varies. i am fortunate to have one child so it seems churlish to want more. but i feel dreadful that he might be an only and i'd be so happy with another.

i got a more demanding job, the hunger for another baby has abated. haven't stopped trying, but not to the extent of going for medical intervention. i'm 40.

ohdearwhatamess · 25/01/2009 20:57

Oh yes, should have added that I got pg with ds1 when I stopped eating the 'right' things, started eating 'wrong' things (peas, strawberries stand out), drank coffee and alcohol with gay abandon again. Dh likewise.

chancelloroftheexchequers · 25/01/2009 21:06

Just out of interest and to get some tips / advice on how to cope.

Anything up to a year according to my rational mind but for some reason I really expected it to only take three months.
3 months of not using contraception (but not much sex) then 5 months of trying
A stupid amount, even though in reality it happened in a relatively quick amount of time. I thought about it all the time

And the most important one:

No. Nothing took my mind off it but the way I dealt with it was by doing as many different things as I possibly could to up our chances. I know they say you should relax and it will happen but the month I conceived I was taking: B6, EPO, using pre-seed, using a CB fertility monitor, having accupuncture, drinking grapefruit juice and even used a hot water bottle to encourage implantation!

I do not do things by halves!!

callmeovercautious · 25/01/2009 21:12

How long did you expect it would take you to conceive?

6m as I had been on depo provera for years and that is the "average" length of time according to them.

How long did it actually take (if you have been successful)?
2 years exactly. I fell pg a few days after the GP reffered us for "investigation". It was early december so DH and I both relaxed and partied I really believe that did the trick.
How did you feel when it took longer than expected? How much did it affect your life?

I felt a failure. Every family gathering - including my Grandfathers funeral - I was grilled by everyone about our plans for a family. In the end I started being honest and telling them we were struggling - that tended to end the discussion!

And the most important one:

Did you find anything that helped you cope with stress / disappointment of TTC, or anything that took your mind of it?

Having a friend in the same boat. Sadly she is still not pg and her DH is refusing medical assistance.

And my job, I changed jobs and did something I enjoyed, I really threw myself into it and it did help take my mind off of things.

Good Luck X

procrastinatingparent · 25/01/2009 21:24

DC1 was very quick but DC2 took almost 18 months, which really shook me as we had had no problems the first time.

I felt worse and worse each month, and the only thing which really helped was going to the doctor and getting referred - because I relaxed once we were seen by the consultant (and I handed in my dissertation which was a big weight off my mind), and got pregnant straight away.

But telling people to relax is probably the most unhelpful thing you can say - so I try not to.

popadopalis · 25/01/2009 21:56

Can't remember how long I expected it to take but I didn't want it to take very long at all and was disappointed from the first month

2)It actually took me 8 cycles but about ten months if that makes sense? Due to my weird cycles i was tested by the doc and told that I didn't ovulate and would need help to concieve. I'm a Christian so after a lot of moaning to God and shouting about how unfair it was (I worked with pregnant teenagers which didn't help!) I prayed with my sister for healing and I got pregnant the next month without help. My favourite sister quote from that period is "God is bigger than the NHS!"

3)I felt angry, impatient and grumpy with everyone. I think because I worked with teenagers who hadn't planned on getting pregnant and everything in my life, at work and home, was to do with pregnancy, it made it all worse. Plus I am a very impatient person anyway.

4)I think when the doc told me that I didn't ovulate then I kind of gave up a little and went into a depressive state rather than a stressy state. My dh and I went on holiday and drank lots of wine which helped too!! It was never far from my mind though.

Not sure if any of this helps. That was dd, with ds I fell pregnant within two months but I can't say if that's just because my body knew what it was doing or whether it's because I had been healed. I obvioulsy have my beliefs.

Treats · 26/01/2009 11:38

No more than 6 months
16 months and counting (no luck yet!)
Initially I didn't worry too much and thought it would just happen whenever the time was right. I was having a bad time at work for the first 6 months (but didn't want to leave because I thought I'd be going on maternity leave......) and thought that the stress was affecting me. Having been made redundant from that job in the summer (hah!) and then getting a MUCH better one, I thought it might sort itself out, but it didn't. Since the summer, I've had some weepy moments, but now I've kind of come to terms with it. It's still something we're very focussed on achieving, but have reached a level of acceptance that it's out of our hands and we'll have to wait and see.
To begin with, DH and I put our lives on hold - we wouldn't make plans to do anything 'in case I was pregnant'. Now, we don't make plans for too far in advance but we've got some great holidays booked for 2009 and are getting the bathroom done - stuff that doesn't matter if I'm pregnant or not. We're still being pragmatic about it.

And the most important one:

The most important thing has been to share the whole experience with DH. Every part of our relationship (including the sex ) has been made better by going through it together. It's his sadness as well as mine and I try not to wallow too much in self-pity as it's not fair on him. Having my new job to concentrate on has also been a very positive experience - which I'm very glad to have had. If everything happens for a reason, then the reason I'm not pregnant yet is because I needed the opportunity to do this job and really focus on it for at least 6 months.

I've done at least 4 months of charting, OPKs, etc and DH and I swore off all alcohol and caffeine for three months. We've now moved on to medical help - follow up appt with the gynae in 2 weeks - and it's certainly helped to feel that we're controlling the things we can control and giving ourselves the best possible chance.

So - feeling quite positive right now, but ask me again in 3 months.......

Sorry - long reply! Think your questions made me want to unburden myself.......

beanieb · 26/01/2009 11:53

I was prepared for it to take a year but never thoguht I would get to Cycle 18 and still not be pregnant; am still trying.
on my 19th Cycle now and just starting proper fertility investigations.
Frustrated, sad, angry. It's taken over quite a lot of my life.

And the most important one:

Reflexology to some extent. Also talking to people about it helped.