is it ever OK to get pg behind your partner´s back? at my wits end...

[Figfingers]

OK

DP and I are both 35, together for 2 years. I want a baby, he says we need to be more financially secure. We do have good savings but due to DP´s job we have moved to another country (been here almost a year)and Could be here for another 2 years. After that he´s considering another move. We still haven´t got a house because we still don´t know where we want to settle...

I still haven´t done anything, just stopped taking pill, but now horrified my period won´t start for months which he will definitely notice...

Any advice most welcome.

Figgy

Just tell him you've stopped taking the pill as time is running out for both of you to have a family, especially if you want more than one child. It makes me quite cross actually that in relationships where the woman wants a child, the partner still thinks she should take responsibility for preventing that happening!

Fig, I think you really need to plug the age thing - my DH is quite a bit younger than me and had decided in his head that he wanted to wait until he was 35 to start a family because it seemed like an appropriately mature age to him. I pointed out that by then I would be lucky to even get pg and the risk of Downs etc. would be so much higher and that if he wanted 2 (which he does) that we would have to crack on immediately and not wait the 5 years he thought he had.

It took a couple of goes - his mum was in her mid-late thirties when she had him, and his cousin was born when his aunt was 42, so he didn't really appreciate the time problem until I drilled it into him!

Lucky for us, we had DS last year (I was 40 by then) and are planning DC2.

Good luck!

Damn just typed long post and lost it

Hello Fig,

Don't have time to retype whole post, but wanted to say that I really empathise with your situation.

When I married DH (I was 32) I was convinced he was anti-kids and I wasn't particularly bothered. It took me ages to (1) realise I wanted kids (2) pluck up courage to ask him (3) convince him 'now' was the time. I'm now 37, I stopped taking the Pill nearly a year ago and have been 'properly' TTC for 7 months and nothing has happened.

What I learned from that, that I hope might help you was

• don't wait to talk about it
• be honest about your feelings, they are just as valid as his, and more urgent
• men often don't appreciate the difficulties and risks of putting off TTC so they need educating (!) and time to absorb the information
• give him plenty of examples of people whose lives carry on being just as active and interesting after having kids

My DH was convinced he had to 'see the world', save up loads of cash, have a sports car etc etc before we started TTC. In the end we had an amazing holiday in the USA and when we came back I told him I'd go back to the doc's for 6 months' worth of pills, then that was 'it'. He was actually ok with that as it gave him a while to get used to the idea. Perhaps you could try a similar strategy?

Good luck, I'm sure you will sort things out soon
xx

ended up a long post anyway!

Flirty, I recognise the dilemma of knowing you HAVE to say something but not quite being able to do it. With me I said, 'hey, d'you think WE should have kids?' in a probably-obviously-fake jokey way, like 'hey, let's be really crazy and go to Paris next weekend' - so I could pretend it was in jest if he really freaked out.

To my amazement, he said 'yeah, we could do' in an equally-fake casual way. Took ALL my effort not to jump up and down whooping with excitement, and muster another-fake-casual 'great' [thinking, how long should I leave it before asking 'when?']. I was SO happy that day!

Flirty/Spangle

Thanks for the lovely encouraging posts.. (can tell I am new around here, can´t quite believe you bothered to reply to my ramble)

Thumb - good luck with baby thumb 2

It goes on to show you that talking is always the best route.

Have taken your advice on board and will defo bring it up with DP.

Lots of positive stories here...

Thanks again and I´d better get on with it if there are to be any "figgies"

I had this too Fig.

We already had 2 and I was desparate for a 3rd. The desparation consumed every moment of every day, it was awful. I asked, begged, pleaded....it was all I ever thought about for 17 months.
For every reason he said no I had 20 reasons for it to be yes.

It was Boxing day 2004 and we were in the car, I approached the subject again and it went around in circles again.
There was pause in the converstaion and DH said "what are you thinking about?"

I have no idea where the tears came from, I didn't know I was going to cry but with tears in my eyes I said "you knwo what I'm thinking about.....I always think about it"

It was that sentence that changed his mind, 17 months of feeling I was totally wasting my time came down to that moment.

I was pregnant before 2005 started

We now have a 4th, which totally took us both by surprise. Dh wanted 2, I wanted 3....we ended up with 4

Good Luck Fig, I hope you get your wish.

xx

fig, i started a smilar thread to yours in New Year 2007.
Now we are without contraception
and welcome to mumsnet
It is useful having people on MN to share these things with, because generally there aren't many people in real life who you can share these dilemmas with
Good luck, but get talking to your DP

Thanks fig and i hope you get your little figgie(s) soon too!

I know many men who want children, but would like to enjoy their 'freedom' for just a bit longer. It is true that they don't have the pressure on them that women do. Also with so many stories of women in their 40's having children, I wonder if it really enters their heads that if they delay it too long, there is a risk it might not be so easy.

And the other ironic thing is that so many men who eventually do that make decision, after the scary patch of 'oh my god, we are having a child', actually really quite embrace it. However it is a new set of pressures and quite a lot of them so it is so so important that the man takes on that responsibility instead of having it thrust upon him unwittingly.

I was subtle about having a second child, too subtle as it turns out, and it was almost a year before we agreed to ttc. He relented, but was quite hestitent and as a result almost resented me being pregnant. As it turned out, I miscarried and then he felt really shit, and then suddenly realised how much he had been looking forward to it. Now we are both equally and happily ttc - a much better state of affairs.

It really helps to agree fairly and equally. There was a great article in Grazia a few months ago about men who put off having babies and then absolutely loved having kids and wished they had started earlier. I wonder if you could dig that out.

There is never a perfect time to have a child!

no, it's NEVER okay.

there's very little materially that i can get for my kids, although we try our best.

but i felt the least i could do was to give them a father who wanted them so much.

Ladies a quick report back!

Thanks to your brilliant advice I have had a lovely chat with Mr. Fig, he seemed a bit evasive at first but agreed that although we won´t start TTC immediatly (just came off the pill)we should start getting ready and now looking at April next year.

Had to play the age card and explained that I can not just say I will have a baby at 37 and start then and there.. also mentioned the fact that I really wanted to get myself ready (physically and mentally)to optimise my chances of conceiving since I will be 36 in April

I think he was a bit shocked but somehow seems different, more loving and even talking about what our figgie will look like.

To say I am pleased is an understatement!!

Thanks for your lovely words of wisdom.

Fig.

Ladytop:

What a beautiful story!!!

Fig

Fig, well done, that's great news. Good luck TTC when you get round to it

Oh, how lovely, very pleased for you