Christmas presents...feeling guilty.

[ghostspirit]

This year xmas shopping was started late because I have had housing issues. And now my money has been halved. And it won't get sorted out till after Xmas.. I have bought 19 year old Dd 12 gifts and they are all things she had asked for. I also said I would give her 100 in cash. But now my money has been halved. It going to be really hard. So I told her I can't give it to her for xmas day but she will get it before new year. But she's made me feel really guilty. I don't feel I should feel guilty. But I'm fighting with myself not to. I think it's because I always aim for xmas to be 100% what they want. This year it's not.

[dinkystinky]

Your daughter sounds spoilt. She needs a wake up call. Has she seen anything at all about the refugees and Syrian crisis? Those children have nothing. She needs to appreciate what she HAS got and at 19 can earn and save for the things she wants to get, particularly as there is no spare money sloshing around for all her nice to haves.

Christmas is not about material possessions, its a time for family and pulling together and spending time (not money) with loved ones. 12 presents is a very generous number of gifts, especially as she's one of 5 children. Are they all getting 12 gifts and has it always been so? My children (and most children of friends and family) get 1 or 2 gifts and stocking filler presents from parents.

[gemm36]

DS is my only child so maybe it is because she's your first born, to be fair I was dreadin telling him because he can be a bit ungrateful and entitled at times and I fully take this as being the result of him being spoilt as several people are keen on telling me , (single parent most of his life with no father input at all)
What about you tell her if she wants the full amount of money she can take the other gifts back for a refund (bet she wouldn't).

[Blossomdeary]

12 gifts!!! - for goodness sake!

My children get one present costing about £50 each; and when they were small they also got some silly little stocking things that cost around 25 to 50p each.

12 gifts!....I am still getting my head round this!!

[Underthemoonlight]

Ghostspirit you need to get firmer y U have been in temporary accommodation and waiting housing your priority is the roof over your heads not giving your adult daughter a 100 you most likely need and relie on, especially when she's already got presents

[ghostspirit]

I guess it's kind of because she does not know any different. But then is that not a reason to think: well I have done well all theses years. And I'm still getting the money it's just a slight delay...

Is there different sorts of spoilt? Now people have said I feel maybe she is...but I don't feel that the others are even though they are treated the same.

[Underthemoonlight]

She's old enough to understand the situation ghost she's not a kid and should accept what she gets given the current circumstances so yes she is spoilt it's as if she's not bothered about you're arrangements

[ghostspirit]

moonlight I get what your saying but the money for xmas/gifts are not going to make a difference to a roof. It is temporary accommodation but it's not a hostel. I'm not really thinking about the roof just enjoy xmas for the kids ect. The situation eill still be the same anyway.

[Underthemoonlight]

You just said you had your benefits cut in half how are you going to afford your bills and rent? Surely keeping the 100 pounds will help to that. People I know who both parents work don't tend to give kids of presents plus a load of cash on top it's normally one or the other. Why stretch yourself?

[ghostspirit]

My rent is 2.50 a week. I don't get bills well phone bill that's it. And that's sorted

[FishlessCake]

Oh op you have nothing to feel guilty about. What are the other 12 presents? I think that's more than enough, at 19 I had a one year old and all presents for myself had stopped before he was born.

[ghostspirit]

Hair dryer set thingy. Straighteners. Curlers, pj's. Make up. Make up bags. Tony and guy hair stuff. Brush and shampoo type thingy.Jessica Parker perfume set. And another type of perfume. Gym outfit. Forget else.

[FishlessCake]

Wow she's very lucky, and you sound very caring. I bet she is already feeling bad for her strop, but please don't feel guilty she has more than enough

[insan1tyscartching]

That's a huge amount for a woman who is old enough to earn her own money to buy what she wants. In our house if you aren't in education you pay your way and earn enough to fill your wants. Yes I buy them all gifts but stuff such as hair straighteners/curlers etc they would have bought for themselves. There is no way would I be giving her money when she isn't even paying her way and you are feeding and keeping her much less if she had carried on as she has.I'd be telling her the £100 would be taken off her board and lodgings bill that she needs to pay in full when she has a new job tbh. No wonder she thinks she can just walk out of a job without another to go to when she knows you will not only feed and house her but also supply all her wants and give her a shed load of money as well. Time to give her a taste of real life ghost I think or she will continue sponging off you.

[ghostspirit]

i dont normally do all that its only because its xmas and i want to treat everyone the same.

i know what you mean though but some of it is hard to put into practise. the real world is paying some rent and food. i cant not feed her and i cant kick her out. i dont give her money for stuff but then her boyfriend and friends pay for her so again theres no reason for her to work. saying that she is looking. she has an interview but not till jan.

[insan1tyscartching]

But ghost she is an adult,so she needs to be treated like an adult. I have 5 dc and the oldest four are adults (the youngest two have autism) For the oldest three their budget is the same but it isn't the same as the younger two because they are able to buy whatever they want because they earn their own money. My youngest son is in college and so has the same budget as my youngest who is a child because obviously he isn't earning his own money yet.
Your daughter is acting like a child because you are enabling her to act like a child by shielding her from the consequences of her actions. My own dd worked in a job she hated (in a bank) for a whole year, she stuck at it until she had another job to go to because she had bills to pay and she is an adult and leaving and expecting me to keep her would never occur to her (of course I would never put her on the street but if she had to work in Mcdonalds to pay her way then I would expect her to do that because sitting on her backside was never an option here)
At what age are you going to consider your daughter an adult and treat her like one and expect that she behaves like one?

[ghostspirit]

with the xmas stuff i think maybe its more to do with me than it is the kids.. as i kid i just remember mountins of wrapping paper. and then even when it was just me and my dad i got given alot of money. normally i would not have questioned myself because it would not have come up. because normally i start much earlyer.

its hard to answer the things about dd. because my threads often turn into a madness and it just stresess me out when its to do with dd.

[insan1tyscartching]

But when you were 19 did you honestly get up to piles of presents? I had big piles of presents as a child but things changed when I became an adult and I got just a couple of nice presents because I wasn't a child anymore. If I wanted anything besides I bought them with my own money.
My adult dc have three or four nice presents each, nowhere near the amount you have bought your daughter but they wouldn't expect more and they definitely wouldn't expect cash on top. Even my two youngest don't have twelve presents and I think they have more than enough.
What incentive does your dd have to go to work and earn her own money and be independent when she still gets whatever she wants and money besides without having to lift a finger? You are doing her no favours by being such a soft touch, you are preventing her from being a responsible and independent young adult.

[ghostspirit]

In get what you are saying but it only happens xmas and birthdays. I guess she expects it because she knows no different. I was more upset because of her response. I was not working at 19. My dad used to give me 1000 for xmas

[Chipscheesentomatosauce]

She is an adult and she should be helping to reduce your stress, and tell you to concentrate on the younger ones. Tell her to grow up and that regardless of finances, she should expect a lot less from now on.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

It sounds like your dad had a lot to give though. If you're living on benefits then you simply do not have a lot to spend, however much you want to replicate your childhood for your dc you just can't as the situation is totally different.

[ghostspirit]

Yes your right. 100 %

[insan1tyscartching]

But it's not is it? Your dd is happy to walk out of a job because she knows you and others will fund her lifestyle. Each week she isn't working you are paying for her, a grown woman! Even if you charged her a token rent she is profiting from you by at least £30pw for her food and laundry. I bet you are also paying for her phone,internet access and most likely bus fares and going out money. You say yourself your benefits have halved,you can't afford it so funding your adult daughter who you should reasonably expect to fund herself is taking from your babies who obviously can't. How will she learn to manage her own budget when she leaves home if you allow her to be completely irresponsible now?
My own df was very wealthy and could have afforded to give me similar to you at 19, he wouldn't though because we were expected to fund ourselves. Likewise I could give my dc far more than I do but I don't because I like the sense of pride they get when they buy their own cars or book their own holidays that they pay for by working hard.

[ghostspirit]

Yes I get your point. I'm not funding her social life though. That's her boyfriend. But I do buy a weekly bus pass my I don't use it in the evenings or at weekends so I do let her use it. That's all though.

[insan1tyscartching]

Come on ghost, stop letting her take advantage, it's time she knew how it feels to be a grown up. I know it's tough, you don't want to upset her, you want her to need you and you love her. But you'd be doing her a favour by making her grow up, be responsible and get some ambition to fund the sort of lifestyle she wants. It's great, you know, when your child brings home the car they have bought or goes abroad with their friends that they have funded. Don't let your dd miss out on these things by allowing her to swerve her responsibilities.

[ghostspirit]

insan and others i 100% agree but I don't know how. The present thing although I get what your saying we all do things differently. I've as only ever upset about her reaction when I said about a delay in the cash.

But I do get the growing up bit. What I do is feed her and she has a roof. I do not pay for her social life. Or give her money. But as I said I let her use my bus pass. Her boyfriend pays for her gym membership. And all of their nights out and treats. I can't stop him from doing that...if I could I think she would feel it but I can't stop him. The thing is its all well saying what she should be doing and what others were doing at her age. But how do I stop her fucking up. I can't follow her round stopping her messing up. She had an apprentice that I set up for her. She's now got an interview for jan. My niece has arranged that for her and said there's a 95% chance she will get the job. I'm really hoping she will stick to it. It's in London and she does not have to be there till 2pm.