Christmas presents...feeling guilty.

[ghostspirit]

This year xmas shopping was started late because I have had housing issues. And now my money has been halved. And it won't get sorted out till after Xmas.. I have bought 19 year old Dd 12 gifts and they are all things she had asked for. I also said I would give her 100 in cash. But now my money has been halved. It going to be really hard. So I told her I can't give it to her for xmas day but she will get it before new year. But she's made me feel really guilty. I don't feel I should feel guilty. But I'm fighting with myself not to. I think it's because I always aim for xmas to be 100% what they want. This year it's not.

[Bearsnumberonefan]

£100 is my total budget (each) for my dc so that's all presents, stocking fillers, Christmas activities and the advent calendars. I think 12 presents is more then enough for a 19 year old and she should stop being so ungrateful.

[ghostspirit]

stressfree sod all I can do about it. So hard cheese really. But in general she does not think of others. She had 20.00 in her bank. For some reason her card would not work in the pub she was in. So her bf paid for everything. Then the other day she was asking about hair being trimmed. And I said well if L was paying for you all night should you not do something in return. She just shrugged.

And she tells me how L gets hardly anything for xmas. And then his parents pawn the presents. Even though she sees that. She still does not see how lucky she is. I'm thinking she will be ok. If not I will send her to her bf house haha

I hope that one day she will look back and see what a cow she was.

[wannabestressfree]

I have been guilty of having a pop at you in the past and to be honest I think 'there for the grace of god go I' as in it's easy to tell you where you are going wrong but I think you are aware of that...., and you bloody try.
Life is not easy. I just think you need to be honest and hope she isn't too stroppy.
And if she is hope she buggars off to the boyfriends
Don't be hard on yourself.

[ghostspirit]

my life style is not chaotic busy yes. Life has been a challenge over the last year or to. But I do my best. Defo not over compensating though. We do similar every year. I agree with the rest though.

[LIZS]

Dear me she's an ungrateful cow! Her behaviour doesn't warrant any further encouragement. Just tell her you don't have the money atm and you are sure, as an adult, she'll understand. Tbh I'm slightly shocked at your planned expenditure, your choice of course. But I sense you may be overcompensating for your chaotic lifestyle through buying them material things which simply won't be appreciated for long.

[ghostspirit]

My tax credits are every Friday anyway.

[wannabestressfree]

Remember if you are paid weekly you get paid again friday due to the bank holiday.

[ghostspirit]

stressfree it is tax credits. It's only an issue with the baby. But I had been getting money for him. I think it might be that they have stopped baby's money plus I'm paying the money back that I have had so far that's why it's roughly half. I be ok once it's sorted.

[wannabestressfree]

It shouldn't for tax credits you can ring them and they will do it. Even then they don't just 'halve' them. I don't understand........
I share the sentiment of most the others though...... you are living hand to mouth [you must be if you can't take it from savings etc] and she needs to learn. I would tell her under the current circumstances its not doable. I have had to before. She contributes nothing so why expect to take......
I don't think the constant comparisons with her brother are helpful. Most kids are different and if she has been brought up with a sense of entitlement that won't change if she reaches a certain magic age.......

[ghostspirit]

Why would I return her presents.?

stress it's to do with paper work the request for it went to my old address. It will take about a month to sort out

[chocolateee]

Can you return any of her presents for a refund ?

[wannabestressfree]

Why have they halved your benefits?

[HighDataUsage]

I've read your other threads Ghost and I think you're doing a grand job given the circumstances. However it might help you to gradually put some boundaries in for the coming new year. Slowly start to scale back gifts for the next round of birthdays and Christmas for all of the dc. It's more important for children to grow up having future aspirations & a good education than mountains of stuff that's forgotton about easily.

Your kids need to learn that things cost money and if they want luxuries then they need to earn to pay for it. Your dd is taking financial advantage of people paying things for her. The only way for her to become independent is for people to stop paying for her. What would happen if her bf ditched her for some reason? Would she find another boyfriend quickly to pay for nights out and stuff etc. Do you see how that makes her look?

Stop feeling guilty and think about how you can encourage her to move out and be a responsible adult. Do you want your other dc to follow her
example? They will if they think
throwing a strop & being dependent
will give them an easy life. It's really important for her deveopment as an adukt that people must stop bailing her out.

[ghostspirit]

insan and others i 100% agree but I don't know how. The present thing although I get what your saying we all do things differently. I've as only ever upset about her reaction when I said about a delay in the cash.

But I do get the growing up bit. What I do is feed her and she has a roof. I do not pay for her social life. Or give her money. But as I said I let her use my bus pass. Her boyfriend pays for her gym membership. And all of their nights out and treats. I can't stop him from doing that...if I could I think she would feel it but I can't stop him. The thing is its all well saying what she should be doing and what others were doing at her age. But how do I stop her fucking up. I can't follow her round stopping her messing up. She had an apprentice that I set up for her. She's now got an interview for jan. My niece has arranged that for her and said there's a 95% chance she will get the job. I'm really hoping she will stick to it. It's in London and she does not have to be there till 2pm.

[insan1tyscartching]

Come on ghost, stop letting her take advantage, it's time she knew how it feels to be a grown up. I know it's tough, you don't want to upset her, you want her to need you and you love her. But you'd be doing her a favour by making her grow up, be responsible and get some ambition to fund the sort of lifestyle she wants. It's great, you know, when your child brings home the car they have bought or goes abroad with their friends that they have funded. Don't let your dd miss out on these things by allowing her to swerve her responsibilities.

[ghostspirit]

Yes I get your point. I'm not funding her social life though. That's her boyfriend. But I do buy a weekly bus pass my I don't use it in the evenings or at weekends so I do let her use it. That's all though.

[insan1tyscartching]

But it's not is it? Your dd is happy to walk out of a job because she knows you and others will fund her lifestyle. Each week she isn't working you are paying for her, a grown woman! Even if you charged her a token rent she is profiting from you by at least £30pw for her food and laundry. I bet you are also paying for her phone,internet access and most likely bus fares and going out money. You say yourself your benefits have halved,you can't afford it so funding your adult daughter who you should reasonably expect to fund herself is taking from your babies who obviously can't. How will she learn to manage her own budget when she leaves home if you allow her to be completely irresponsible now?
My own df was very wealthy and could have afforded to give me similar to you at 19, he wouldn't though because we were expected to fund ourselves. Likewise I could give my dc far more than I do but I don't because I like the sense of pride they get when they buy their own cars or book their own holidays that they pay for by working hard.

[ghostspirit]

Yes your right. 100 %

[MyKingdomForBrie]

It sounds like your dad had a lot to give though. If you're living on benefits then you simply do not have a lot to spend, however much you want to replicate your childhood for your dc you just can't as the situation is totally different.

[Chipscheesentomatosauce]

She is an adult and she should be helping to reduce your stress, and tell you to concentrate on the younger ones. Tell her to grow up and that regardless of finances, she should expect a lot less from now on.

[ghostspirit]

In get what you are saying but it only happens xmas and birthdays. I guess she expects it because she knows no different. I was more upset because of her response. I was not working at 19. My dad used to give me 1000 for xmas

[insan1tyscartching]

But when you were 19 did you honestly get up to piles of presents? I had big piles of presents as a child but things changed when I became an adult and I got just a couple of nice presents because I wasn't a child anymore. If I wanted anything besides I bought them with my own money.
My adult dc have three or four nice presents each, nowhere near the amount you have bought your daughter but they wouldn't expect more and they definitely wouldn't expect cash on top. Even my two youngest don't have twelve presents and I think they have more than enough.
What incentive does your dd have to go to work and earn her own money and be independent when she still gets whatever she wants and money besides without having to lift a finger? You are doing her no favours by being such a soft touch, you are preventing her from being a responsible and independent young adult.

[ghostspirit]

with the xmas stuff i think maybe its more to do with me than it is the kids.. as i kid i just remember mountins of wrapping paper. and then even when it was just me and my dad i got given alot of money. normally i would not have questioned myself because it would not have come up. because normally i start much earlyer.

its hard to answer the things about dd. because my threads often turn into a madness and it just stresess me out when its to do with dd.

[insan1tyscartching]

But ghost she is an adult,so she needs to be treated like an adult. I have 5 dc and the oldest four are adults (the youngest two have autism) For the oldest three their budget is the same but it isn't the same as the younger two because they are able to buy whatever they want because they earn their own money. My youngest son is in college and so has the same budget as my youngest who is a child because obviously he isn't earning his own money yet.
Your daughter is acting like a child because you are enabling her to act like a child by shielding her from the consequences of her actions. My own dd worked in a job she hated (in a bank) for a whole year, she stuck at it until she had another job to go to because she had bills to pay and she is an adult and leaving and expecting me to keep her would never occur to her (of course I would never put her on the street but if she had to work in Mcdonalds to pay her way then I would expect her to do that because sitting on her backside was never an option here)
At what age are you going to consider your daughter an adult and treat her like one and expect that she behaves like one?

[ghostspirit]

i dont normally do all that its only because its xmas and i want to treat everyone the same.

i know what you mean though but some of it is hard to put into practise. the real world is paying some rent and food. i cant not feed her and i cant kick her out. i dont give her money for stuff but then her boyfriend and friends pay for her so again theres no reason for her to work. saying that she is looking. she has an interview but not till jan.